When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah. How many chances do we give them? I'm wondering too. 

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , tbh , l mean l've known this a long long time but l suppose you could say it's just sinking in lately- or something, bc it's never ending.

But lately l've  been getting a bit tired of our whole relationship just all being about her and whatever whim or drama it is next.

lt's weird but it has , ever since she went back anyway. You know in person , here, together, she's about the most loving considerate person you'd ever meet, but it's almost been just me me me since . Even just last night she said something , " l need such and such" . Well , tbh l felt like saying yeah yeah , "you" need , and what about what l need for once.

She's so use to it all being her her these days it's going to her head.

So l'm actually becoming a bit iffy and whhateverish anyway tbh of late , it's getting beyond a joke.

[Guest_1584]

l could say as in a little like your situation , l'm just starting to wonder - is this how it's gonna be.

[CMF]

Yeah. It's sad. I think M needs sis to organise his life for him. She's arranging his boys' passports so they can travel next year.  She's probably arranging the whole trip.  If that's what he needs, someone to arranging his life, it ain't me.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , damn shame l mean right through all this stuff in yours and his are things 2 people just start doing together , not like that . l'm afraid even when she does move in with bf though they'll probably still manage to just go on the same.

Anyway , second try on this one first got deleted.

lt looks like we're finally done by the looks. A day after a beautiful call awhile back and we were both so emotional that night bc it was just such a call as ours often are, the very next day she hits me with she's just too sick to be in a relationship - again !

The switch from just the night before and our calls that day even plans we were making too, was like a light switch.

Anyway , l've had enough of it . We wound up in an big argument l was that damn pissed of and just gobsmacked at the switch- switches - this is the 3rd time in 6mths and like, don't worry about me l'm made of stone and l don't mind also wasting yrs and supporting you all this time either.

To top it off at her end , she'll be totally alone there now anyway and she hates where she's staying and talks about missing us and this place all the time. But her son's leaving in 2 wks to os and staying at least 12 mths with the wifeys situation, so gf knows no one else at all there now, and yet she chooses that - again !

l've made up my mind if she just pops up again as if nothings happened and next minute were on again - or weren't even off , or whatever the - l think it's time l be done with this. l swore to myself after the last time , one more of anything , and now we have yet another one, l'm gonna have to be out.

Not a happy camper

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Sorry to hear that happened...again. it will be very interesting to see what she does when her son is gone. She may come running back to you but I agree, you need to stand your ground as you've seen how that switch can go on & off so easily. 

New year comming. Fresh start my friend.

Big hugs

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh , thanks for that cm and hugs much appreciated .

Yeah she has always had this incredible kinda detached type way in a lot of things. A sort of edge to her and why from the day one l've always felt this weird trust problem about her. Her culture on the womens side , and maybe the mens too ldk, but they can be pretty cold blooded in ways and have this real kind of black and white edge and thinking. As beautifully warm as they can be in others , l've always felt this side underneath with her and l've seen this sort of switch with a lot of other things too quite a few times in some of her ways.

Well , this was it all over , again, and it still just amazes me though- that side of her never was a good sign.

So yeah , God knows , wouldn't surprise me at all if she does just pop up again either before he leaves or soon after , like nothings happened, God knows she's done it before. But nah , unfortunately l've had enough of it , and if you can't trust it then you have nothing as far as l'm concerned.

Yep , l suppose though that is a point hey , new yr , probly a pretty good time to start putting my foot down once and for all maybe eh.

Hugs . rx

[Guest_1584]

Unfortunately things l'd say are def' done done done. lt's hard to believe, l still can't tbh. Our plans for the future , only 18mths ago she was practically begging to move in and wanted all life and marriage and she was so exited.

Had to message few days back about all her stuff here and l'd hoped to with a few wks to think and feel the no us anymore, she'd start to realize.

But she'd actually gotten even more excepting that she must be alone forever bc she just can't handle more. She had to move again short term until she could get back down here , hated the place to start but now she says she can exist there alone, watch movies ,sleep and just try to cope and be some kind of happy. lt's really mind bending stuff compared to the girl of only 18mths 2 yrs ago and l still can't believe the change and things she's saying now.

Really makes me wonder to what would've happened if she did stay here handled her courts nightmares from here and we did marry , would she still have just turned around later and became this.

ldk. Did l dodge a bullet or is it purely just the result of everything she's had to go through for nearly 7yrs now.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Maybe you did dodge a bullet. You had mentioned she had that side to her.

As hard as it is, hopefully 2023 with bring you a fresh outlook & you can decide what is good for YOU.

The reality hits hard, hope you are OK.

Big hugs

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Yeah that's true actually maybe l just did. No denying it that side always scared me tbh that's why l couldn't commit earlier. Time reveals all and l knew l needed that with her first.

And thanks for that cm, l was actually fine before talking to her last but l must admit the change and way she was talking was a real shock and resigned.

23 , yeah , ha, another one hey . l've had two plans right through bc of all her stuff , one with us one without soooo, looks like it'll be the one without now eh.

rx