When Can I Finally Be Free For Good?

[in-it-for-the-long-haul]

Hello, My name is A,

I was officially diagnosed with depression 8 months or so ago. After almost half of a year in University, and countless days where I wondering what was wrong with my head, I finally decided to do something about it. I saw a psychiatrist, and I told him how I would spend full days in bed, not leaving for even a shower. I could barley eat, and I felt like with every beat my heart took, black tar was coming through my veins. I had spent nights curled up on my closet floor in agony and anxiety. I had self harmed countless times. I had written over and over again the dark thoughts racing through my mind.Naturally, medication was subscribed, and I was battling the depression, the worry, the new news of what was wrong all on my own. 

Only a number of days after beginning my medication I had gotten so out of control that I felt I had no choice but to

end my life because of the pain that seemed it would loom forever unless dealt with. I made an attempt one night, my roommate had come in without me even noticing. I spent that entire night in a hospital, completely alone, without sleeping a wink. After that things all went uphill. It was my lowest point. My parents were contacted by my roommate of my condition. They were finally able to support me. I was put on proper medication, and things took a while, but I began feeling like myself again.

Days still came along however that I could feel the depression slowly creep up again and try to get a hold of me. I felt like I was swimming in pool, and I could stand up most of the time, but then some days the sun would hide, the clouds would come and it would pour. I'd start to drown. Sometimes this would last a number of days and I feel like I can't catch a breath. It's been 8 months that i've been properly medicated. 8 months that I've did everything I was supposed to. The thing is, Depression is still there, hidden under pharmaceuticals. It's dormant most days but I can't shake it. My question is when will the time come in my life that I can finally be free of this demon once and for all? When will I be able to breath, all day every day. When can I stop relying on pills to be happy. When can I be happy for real? On my own. Will I ever be able to get rid of this horrible part of myself? Will I ever be able to forget what happened that one night. 


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[JessF]

Hello A, well, you have been through some very very intense times and you have described them very vividly. It is very terrifying to feel so out of control with yourself, and the ups and downs of depression at its worst can feel like you've been thrown out in rough seas in nothing but a blow-up dinghy.

The way I have learned to go forward is to change my perspective on depression. Like diabetes, arthritis and other physical health conditions, some of us unfortunately have to cope with this throughout our lives.  it is not a weakness, it is just a part of our bodies and brains and the way it is.

the good part of learning to accept this is that you end up being kinder to yourself. Think about it: we could say that someone's diabetes is 'hidden' underneath their insulin, but living without it is not an option because it is part of them.  So the key is learning how to live with it.

We all experience strong emotions due to events that happen in our lives, and some of us feel them far more intensely than others. The key is learning how to deal with these ups and downs in a healthy way. Happiness is a part of life, but we will never be happy 100% of the time. 

Have you been seeing a psychologist at all?  It sounds like you are very focused by the trauma of what happened that night and could do with some help in processing that and learning to move past it.

[geoff]

dear A, I wish that Jess had more time to respond because she is a very intelligent lady, and I also want to thank you for being able to post on this site.

Yes our depression can be hidden under medication, but I don't look at it that way, because what it does is to give balance in the chemicals in our brain, and the reason for this is no different to what Jess has said about medication for 'diabetes', or tablets to control our blood pressure or cholesterol or even a panadol, so we swallow this medicine and let it go to work.

We need antidepressants to bridge any gaps that we are lacking, and I'm only talking as a layman here, and without it then it stops us from being able to communicate, because all we do is think of negative thoughts, and are unable to anything except cry, and this is putting it in a simplicit way.

We never know how long our depression will last, but it's an illness that hides so many dark secrets, so we need help from all avenues. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Dear A

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

As you’ve mentioned Uni, I’m guessing that you’re in your early 20’s?    If I’m right, then you’re still very young and as such, you’ve got so many things to encounter and experience along your journey yet.  This is but one of those and it’s a very unfortunate one.  But hopefully if you can continue on the same track that you are on, you’ll be able to beat this illness and turn the page to commence a new chapter in your life.

All that you’ve described that you’ve completed for yourself – all the self help options you’ve taken has been fantastic.  You ARE doing all the right things. 

It was very pleasing also to read that when your parents were notified, they came to support you.  I can let you know that so many wonderful people who post here just don’t have that parental support and that is a massive shame and disappointment for them. I hope that your parents are still there for you?

At this current time though, as you’ve mentioned it’s only been for a period of some 8 months at the moment and I believe that if you can keep up your current regime of taking your anti-depressants and continue other outside supports as well (are you getting counselling at this time?) – that this will go a long way towards assisting you to help your future become much brighter.

 Other things can be to take up any of your hobbies/interests again – and get involved in those kinds of things

How many more years have you got in University?

 It is great also to hear that for most days, your dark feelings are lying dormant – I believe that the more you can do to self-help yourself in the future, as I’ve suggested above, the far greater chance you’ll have a shaking this ‘black dog’ of yours.

 I hope I’ve written something in my post that has helped you – and would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[in-it-for-the-long-haul]

Hello all,

Firstly I'd like to say thank you so much for all of your support. It's one of the reasons that I came here in the first place and it means a lot. I have not yet been to see a therapist or anything of that sorts because I'm a fix-it-yourself kinda gal and also one that doesn't like to open up to people. I've had bad experiences with therapists in the past that have not helped at all and been rude and mundane. 

The opinion on medication was actually really helpful. Sometimes its hard to look at this medication without emotion like diabetes, due to the emotional nature of the sickness, but it is a really good idea and I'll do my best to see it that way. 

I am in fact around that age, I just turned 19 actually and I have 3 more years of university left. One thing I am worried about is going into a new school year because as you all know the last one wasn't quite the most fun I've ever had.

Thankyou again so much for all your help,

Sincerely, A

[Struggler]

Hi A

I had similar experience with therapists and like you, I am a DIY kind of person.  I didn't think they did any good.  After being on medication for over ten years I slowly weaned myself off it.  The reasons were many, cost (paid full price), side effect (was losing my hair) and job application.  Many jobs require me to have medical assessment. I was worried my prescribed drugs would be detected and not getting the job or lose the job I had.  

Because you are just beginning the treatment, I suggest you stick with the medication.  One day when you are ready, you can reassess as to continue or wean off the medication, with the help of your doctor of course.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everyone has to stay on meds the rest of his life.

Hope this post will lift your spirit. It'd be great to hear from you again and take care.

Struggler