What should I do now that I've completely given up?

Bubble44 · ‎30-04-2021

Firstly don't panic I don't plan on committing suicide.

But the will to live is pretty much all I have left. I am 100% certain nothing will ever get better. It's just after everything I've been through I owe it to myself to seize whatever tiny happy moments I might have by living a full life. They don't make it worth it, but I don't believe in an afterlife where I'll be happy or anything so those moments are all I've got. My family abused me. Most of my friends abandoned me because I and several others (who luckily I'm still friends with) have the horrific opinion that rape is wrong. I'm pretty sure most girls would rather do anything else than start a relationship with me. The second they notice my anxiety or depression, they vanish. Every time. Hope is pain. That's all it is. Every time I let myself feel hope the world finds a way to spit in my face. It's like I only exist to watch other people find happiness. I'm just an extra in their story because no one ever thought I deserved one of my own. And they never will.

It's like the only thing that keeps me going is misery, which is insane. But it's the strongest part of me and pretty much the only thing in my life that I can trust. It will always be there when I wake up in the morning. It's like misery is my bones. It's all that even holds my sanity together.

Sorry for the overdramatic poetry but I can't be bothered to tell my full story right now. I just wanted to vent about how I feel. I have no idea what the hell to do with myself. Everything I ever do finds a way to crumble into nothing. Why should I bother trying at anything, ever? I know where it ends. Me, in a hospital bed at 80, dying of cancer and desperately wishing I killed myself when I was 21 (again, I won't. Don't panic).

Sophie_M · ‎30-04-2021

Hi Bubble 44,

We are so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. It sounds like you are in a really tough place and not feeling like you can get much support from your friends and family. We really want to thank you for being so brave and for sharing your story with us today. It is an incredible act of courage to seek support and we think this has been an amazing first step on your recovery.

We think it would be beneficial for you to speak to someone about how you are feeling and to hear what other supports are available to you. A great way to do this is to call our support line on 1300 22 4636. Another option is call Lifeline on 13 11 14 - they are also friendly, helpful and understanding.

If you prefer online chat based options we have one of those too 🙂 I've put the link below with the Lifeline option. Sometimes it can be easier to type rather than talk so they are great options too - just be aware they are not 24/7.

BeyondBlue
https://online.beyondblue.org.au/Webmodules/chat/InitialInformation.aspx
Lifeline
https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Thank you again Bubble for coming and sharing your story. Pleae feel free to update us on how you are feeling if you feel comfortable. This is a great community of people who understand the challenges of mental ill-health and so we reccommend having a look around the forums and joining in on conversations.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

Ggrand · ‎30-04-2021

Hello Dear Bubble44...

I am deeply sorry to hear of what you have been through and are struggling so much with your life...

My journey in life is very much similar to yours..I was abused in my childhood and then marriage up until my husband passed away when I was 57.....I always felt like you are that I was existing only to be used for everyone else’s “slave”.....at their beck and call....

I’m not a Dr. professional or anything like that but it sounds like you have PTSD from all your trauma....I call it a damaged soul...and to help the damaged soul, it really needs professionals help to start to heal.....I didn’t know about PTSD until it was explained to me by my Dr....who started a mental health care plan for me....Its helping me to learn how to manage the triggers that puts me into deep depression....Is talking to your Dr. something that you might consider....

Please don’t give up trying to find some happiness in your life...it’s their for.

When I start to re live some of the trauma I’ve been through, I sit outside and try to put my thoughts on what I can feel and see and hear...The warmth of the sun, seems to have a calming effect to the mind, the birds whistles are also calming as I’m watching them fly around in play...a kind of meditation or mindfulness, I guess..it works for me..same as playing music I like..It’s finding something to take redirect your thoughts away from depressive negative thoughts onto something more positive....

I found that talking things out with my counsellor helps to get it out of my mind..and in a way..I suppose I could say to process it all..

I hope in some small way I have helped you dear Bubbles you are not alone...we are here for you..to listen and hopefully be able to support you..as much as we can..

Please talk here anytime your feeling up to it...

My kindest thoughts with my care,

Grandy..

Giraffe · ‎30-04-2021

I too was abused by my family and have been on my own for twenty years, I have liked 4 men in that time who rejected me. I completely understand how you feel.

Last year I plunged into deep depression and anxiety and was suicidal. I am now seeing 2 psychologists a week.

I am now slowly making progress. I wish you well. You are welcome here.

Vinnie_E · ‎30-04-2021

Hey this is the first time I can remember I’ve replied to a comment. Your post is relatable and I too come from a troubled past and your comment about exisiting to witness other people’s happiness hit a nerve with me. I don’t know what to say to give you hope, I don’t know how I muster up the energy to survive another day of witnessing but I just wanted to let you know that things do get better and try to be optimistic. Stay strong and positive. Much love.