What is happening to me?

[Mystera]

Hi all,

I feel that I need to talk to others as beside my work counselor there is no one out there I can really talk to.

History: I met my partner a year ago when her then very ill mother she was looking after died not soon after we met. Attraction was instant and love developed soon after. I lived in a big city and had nice circle of work mates with whom I had good social interactions daily. My partner was in deep grief and decided to move in with me pretty much as soon as we met, to be away form her family and to be able to process her grief. I experienced her mostly sitting on the lounge, after late night stay awake and late mornings, daily. Her main hobby/pattern is to read on her tablet (rarely let this thing down). She told me that she likes reading and that she is big introvert and sociophobe. She is more on a quite side person. In time she was staying at my place we have had some good fun but still didn't go out much at all.She also shared with me some horrific abuse stories from her past, mental issues she had and that she is on the very strong dose of pain medication. I find her more on a quiet side. After six months living together she suggested to me to move to much smaller town with her (where she was born) to be closer to her old and very fragile dad.I accepted and we moved 3 months ago. I have same full time job here and she is not working as she hasn't been for last 2 years because of looking after her ill mom 24/7. She sold her house couple of years ago and she has been using that money in every day life, money that is slowly fading away. I am on a steady job but below average pay. While living with me I was covering all bills and she was contributing by buying a groceries.

Since we moved here life has been very stressful. Constant work on the house, my new work was totally unprepared for my start so I felt extremely frustrated and unsupported. She tried her best to work at home along with me but it is hard for her as she is quite unorganised person, so there is a lot of mess inside of the house. Opposite of her I am very organised person and need some order to be able to feel comfortable in my surrounding.

[Mystera]

So what is happening to me...Lately I started feeling quite sad and teary for no reason, I had few days when I didn't feel anything ( felt like a brick), I couldn't do anything. My big outlet is gym where I usually go 4-5 days a week but when I feel low I can't find any energy to go there even I know that that will make me feel much better. I manage to eat and sleep ok, and I guess that's good. I don't have any suicidal thoughts of doing something to me but I am very clear and understand why would someone hit that point of just stopping the pain from inside by taking her/his life. My partner (now my fiancee) is still in same state pretty much and I feel that I somehow mirrored her into me, if that makes sense. Or am i put on a biggest test in my life to see if I can get up and do things for myself, things that make me happy, to look after myself. I even started telling her that I will ask some guy to try to be my friend as I miss so much connecting with other people. Phone calls don't do much for me as I can easily "hide" from the other person. I started counseling through my work and I am very comfortable with that as I am the guy who likes talking about my feelings and issues. I also researched possible counselors for my partner to go to but doesn't feel like that she is truly open for that at this stage. I am feeling ok last two days (after long "brick" day) and hoping that will do things for me on the weekend but so many weekends I would do what needs to be done around the house, come inside ending up on the sofa, in my corner, fiddling with my phone or laptop and going nuts or numb....

I don't have any family in the country where I live and all my family (including my only child) are 15000km away and they don't know what is really happening with me as I don't want to burden them, especially my mum. I manage to hide myself when I talk to them.

We are both in late 40s and when I feel down I feel stuck, heavy, not being able to physically move much, even not to smile if something funny comes up, I don't like hearing/reading nice things or nice music (even I LOVE music).

I HOPE that I will find of way out of this dark deep funk I tend to go lately too often. I am just scared that I wont be able to as my every day life is still not as I would like to be and I am aware that I am the only one who can change that and that it STARTS with me, not someone else,but...all this is so easy to say and so hard to do when it hits me.

[Mystera]

Wish that it would be some depression support group like AA or Al-Anon but there is none. My counselor's appointments are not close enough so I am left to deal with my crazy self most of the time.

I don't know really what to do next..

Thank you for taking time to read my long story.

M.

[geoff]

hello Mystera, I'm sorry about the late reply, however it would be nice to ask 'some guy to try to be my friend', but friendships don't happen that way, they happen by enjoying similar outings, hobbies or get togethers, and can I just briefly say from what you have told us, is that you are missing outside company, unfortunately this may not happen if you are suffering from depression.
You have written a big post, that's no worries, but I think you have been circling around trying to tell us your story, so perhaps there is one admission you have only half told us, so can you tell us what you are now doing and whether or not you're taking any medication, plus how your finance is feeling and what she is also doing.
Please remember this site is anonymous so have no fear that anybody will know you, however I want to talk to you, so please reply. Geoff.

[Mystera]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your response. I was thinking about my reply and time just fly. I am getting counseling through work, not taking any medication as I will try to do anything before start taking antidepressants (had ex partner who used to take antidepressants - bad experience). I am trying to exercise daily and that is pretty much it. I used to play music but when my heart is not "singing", for me there is nothing to express, create. I also promised my counselor that I will start loving myself more,meaning trying to do things that makes me happy but it's easy said than done. I do have a plan for this weekend to start setting up my music and can even feel kind of excitement deep inside me. Will see...My partner is under daily medication for pain. She is struggling with her social interactions and keep herself busy mostly at home (still not working). Sometimes it feels to me that she can easily get lost in some sort of obsession with certain things at home and forget about every day things/time/space around her. I also suggest her to see counselor but so far nothing is happening there even she said yes. I used to be very active person, going dancing on my own or with partner, meditating in the nature, very spiritual, rehearsing with a band... but now feeling quite deflated and when it hits me, completely numb. .. will work towards bringing my old self back..

Thank you for hearing my story.

M.