Web of Lies

[James1993]

Hi all,

Im kind of nervous about posting here since outside of my counsellor and my partner this is an issue I rarely speak about because of the shame and other not so pleasant feelings that it causes me and the person who matters most to me to experience.

A bit of backstory to set the scene. My parents separated from a young age. It wasn’t great to say the least but we all survived in our own way. Unfortunately a byproduct of that was during the times I got to hang out with my dad my mum would basically give me a script of things to say to him either to make him feel guilty or to somehow try and manipulate his emotions. I being a child at the time did it but soon wanted to stop as I could see how much it hurt him and so it began. I started just to lie and say I’d said those things and make up his reaction. The years went by and I continued this pattern to avoid hurting my dad and to just keep my mum off my back.

Unfortunately the behaviour started to spread like a disease. It ranged from pretending I knew what I was talking about on various subjects, saying I’d heard a band or saw a movie when I didn’t. Seemingly innocuous stuff like that. It continued for a while at what I thought was a benign level, soon it shifted though. I started to realise I could avoid conflict/unpleasant situations by fabricating a lie. Due to growing up with a mother with a temper I have an aversion to conflict or situations that have negative feelings attached.

I also lie to make myself seem more interesting or knowledgeable as in reality I find myself to be quite boring and of little interest to people. Part of me knows that this is not true but I find myself getting trapped in that thought process.

So that brings us to tonight. After talking to a counsellor I was doing so well. Lie free and all me for a few months and it happened again. I screwed up. It was over such an insignificant thing. I took some money out of savings to see me through the weekend but it came up short so I took some more out and my partner questioned how I got some more money. Instead of saying I took more out I concocted a story about transferring spare money from accounts and using change. I stuck to it for a little bit (3-4 minutes) and eventually confessed to moving money from savings. I thought she would be mad about me not telling her (not true). So now I have hurt and upset her and I’ve washed all my progress down the drain.

Thanks for reading. Sorry about the formatting I’m on mobile.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi James1993,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us. I'm really happy that you decided to reach out especially knowing you haven't shared this with many people. I hope that by being here you can let go of some of the shame and know that nobody here will judge you.

It sounds like you've made some huge progress with your counsellor in understanding the lying, where it's come from and how it's had to serve a purpose in your life. I imagine it would have been really hard and unfair on you as a kid to not only deal with your parents separating, but to be a messenger. Reading your post shows me how much insight you have into your behaviour - and I think this is a big part of why one action doesn't wash your progress down the drain.

While your situation is quite different to an alcoholic, I want to use the metaphor in the way that an alcoholic might have a drink after being sober for so long. There can be a total sense of shame, as if they are back to step one, but the reality is the one drink doesn't take away all of the progress they've made so far and all of the insight they've developed into themselves and their behaviour. I'm thinking that this can be applied to the lying too. While I can totally see the way that you feel, I think it's a step back but not a leap back.

It seems your counsellor has been really supportive and helpful throughout all this - is this something that you've talked to them (or opening to talking to them) about?

I hope this helps

rt

[Step_Twelve]

Hi there,
As romantic_thi3f said, your progress to date is really amazing. It sounds like you're really making a sincere effort to better yourself and improve your relationships with the people you care about. I can't understate how awesome this alone is.

With my own condition, there's one fact I need to continually remind myself of: Recovery is not linear.

Remember that these patterns and behaviours have been there for almost a lifetime. They were embedded in your formative years when you were first learning your identity. These behaviours were a perfectly rational response for coping in a toxic environment. As a child, you did so well to come up with ways to deal with the pain and conflict. Far from being ashamed, you should be proud of the younger you for your ability to adapt.

It won't be corrected overnight. It's absolutely essential that you be kind to yourself through the whole journey, especially when you struggle.

Take care,
12

[Curleee]

Hi James,
I think, based on my own knowledge of mental health, you are being quite hard on yourself. Yes, I know, in yourself, that you want remove your pattern (as much as possible), but be gentle on yourself... sometimes in life (actually many times!!), I've made an immense drama out of hiccups, where i think ive done something wrong... and in the big scheme of things, it was a 10% issue.... and I've made it out to be a 120% issue.....
If your partner is upset, as hard as it might be, it might also be an opportunity to set that boundary for yourself, I.e... I'm choosing to be gentle on myself and make a promise to do better.... ie not throwing out baby w bath water etc
Be kind to yourself mate