Victim mentality - label. Thoughts?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

I’ve struggled for over a decade with depression and anxiety, and am admittedly not coping well at the moment. I had someone tell me that I have a victim mentality, which I found pretty upsetting. I imagine the person who said it would find that to simply reinforce the notion. 

The fact is, I do feel hopeless and negative, I whinge, I feel it’s unfair etc, which fits the victim narrative (if we want to use labels), but I also read, strategise, use tools, help-seek etc, which don’t fit. 

I guess I feel it’s an unfair and unhelpful label. I’m not sure it’s possible to be upbeat and sustain effort continuously. And I also don’t think I’m not “better” because I’m not trying hard enough. 

Thoughts? 

[therising]

Hi Katy

I have to say you're a brilliant analyst. Wondering about and/or analysing what people say, where you're at emotionally, why things possibly aren't working and so much more points to you being a great analyst.

With you analysing your emotions in regard to someone announcing you as having 'a victim mentality', I can relate to what you mean by how upsetting and even insulting it can feel. Can recall reading a great book ('Insanely gifted' by Jamie Catto) and having it change the way I felt about this term. The book is basically about how we have so many different facets to our self - the victim, the perfectionist, the optimist, the pessimist etc. Each serves a purpose. We can either consciously channel these aspects or subconsciously channel them. Overall, the victim's purpose is to inform us when we're being a victim of something. I could say to someone, for example, 'I've had a terrible day. I had people at work say horrible things to me, I'm struggling with terrible pain that doctors just can't get rid of and I just can't function with such a lack of energy. On top of this, I'm facing terrible depression'. They may then say to me 'You're such a victim', meaning it as an insult. The truth is the victim in me may have come to life to tell me I'm being victimised by horrible people at work who lack self control in what they say, doctors who aren't working fast or hard enough to identify my pain related issues and a depressing lack of energy that's not entirely my fault. On top of this, I've just been shut down and brought down by someone virtually labeling my depression as 'a sob story', without actually doing anything to help me out of it. Truth is, often when I'm feeling like a victim it's because I am a victim of something. I just gotta work out what it is. The victim in us doesn't pop in for no good reason. There's always a reason.

I've found the thing about 'getting better', you can try 1000 strategies that don't make a difference. You can work hard and consistantly, practicing often. It can feel like it's you that has the problem ('I'm broken based on nothing working'). Then someone can come along and give you the one strategy or revelation that changes everything. It alters your mind and changes your life. Then it hits, 'I've been working with 1000 completely useless strategies until now. While they were all good in theory, I could not relate to a single one'.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Katyonthehamsterwheel
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post and welcome you to the Beyond Blue forums.  Thank you therising for your support also; it’s good to know that we are never alone on this journey.
 
It is understandable that you were upset having been told you have victim mentality.  The term victim can often be used flippantly, no-one chooses to be a victim.  In terms of trauma and our past experiences it we might refer to this as ‘survivor mentality’.  Part of surviving what you have really is a journey and t’s completely normal to feel hopeless or negative at times, and whinge as means to vent those feelings!  It’s frustrating when others lack knowledge into what depression and anxiety is, where it comes from and how we respond to this but it’s certainly no weakness.  There is true strength and resilience having overcome various challenges in your life and it sounds like you are doing your very best to work with what you have by seeking support, strategies and so on; and for this you deserve true credit.
 
You mentioned you have a few strategies around self-help and care but we just want to let you know that if ever you need to talk, you can call our counsellors anytime, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.
 
Thanks again for joining our forums, we want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users as therising has beautifully demonstrated.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[ecomama]

Dear Katy, HUGS! 

What a HORRIBLE thing to say to someone! ANY ONE. No matter even if you don't know a thing about what someone else has gone through, who is anyone to JUDGE whether someone IS a victim then JUDGE whether they have "victim mentality" (I mean seriously! grrrr) or not? 

I HOPE this person is not close to you. But I'm afraid they may be and for this I'm so sorry. 

These kinds of comments are NOT supportive or nowhere near kind. 
Kindness is what every person deserves. 

Katy, sometimes I think other people don't know what to say when we share things, things about our very personal struggle. They might listen then advise, listen / advise, repeat... then when they can't "fix" us, they come up with something to shut us up. Shut us down. 

As Brene Brown would say they haven't done their work and need to be "Oz the fixer of all things". 
They're not. 

Our sufferings from trauma cannot be "fixed" by one comment. 
We can heal so much, as you obviously have! 
But there may be pockets not yet revealed and triggers on repeat or newly discovered. 
Healing a PROCESS. 

Cars can be fixed. Not humans. 

This person is clearly uneducated in all areas of trauma recovery, Nuff said. 

We love you Katy, you're AWESOME! 
Love EMxxxx

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. It’s certainly helpful to be amongst community. 

[Hanna3]

Hi there Katy,

It doesn't sound like a helpful comment, in fact it sounds very critical. I'd be careful around the person who said it to you.

I just googled it and there's so much about it on the internet.

Personally I'd be asking this person for some clarification of what they mean by victim mentality. I assume it was meant as a criticism of you -or did they misunderstood the meaning of the term? Could be they meant you tend to under-sell yourself and your abilities? Or did they mean something else?

Labels like this are generally unhelpful I find. Depending on who it was that said it, I'd either be asking for clarification or disregarding the comment altogether.

If it sounds derogatory it probably is.

It's certainly not helpful to you!

[geoff]

Hello Katy, great replies from those above me.

For anybody to say to vi**** me****y surely can't be said unless there has been a process building up with someone you have trusted and talked about all of these issues, and not by someone by just saying it because it's certainly not going to help you.

By being 'not better' doesn't mean you aren't trying, but you simply can't because when you aren't well and this is impossible to do, and it's not your fault at all.

Any comments that are directed to you in a negative way are going to make you feel worse, in one way or another and that's not going to help try and sort yourself out from this horrible illness.

I'm really sorry.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Thanks again for the replies, which I have found to be very helpful. This remark was made to me a week ago, and while initially I thought I might seek clarification from this person, I decided instead to just take some space. I think I might leave it at that. Your kindness in sharing your thoughts are appreciated. Katy