Use to wish to be special, now wish I could at least be normal

[Earth Girl]

Growing up, I was extremely shy which gave off the impression that I was this practically "perfect" person to a lot of people, like as though I would never hurt anyone or do anything wrong. Even though for the most part I knew this wasn't really the case (I know what's going on in my mind and how I act at home, a place where I am not shy, so I would know that these people definitely wouldn't think that at all if I wasn't shy), part of me believed to a degree/wanted it to be true. All my life, I've had a lot of people tell me how sweet and lovely I am, as though they think I'm a saint. 

One day I joined a forum and made a LOT of mistakes on it so as you can imagine, people didn't think I was perfect anymore, to say the least. I tried to do a lot better, but whenever I make a mistake now, I feel like I'm not good enough. For years, I have tried to become the person that a lot of people thought I was, aiming for perfection/pure innocence and some people seemed to actually buy it (people who don't know me well and haven't known me for long) and they like me for that and not for who I really am. It sounds stupid to do this instead of just trying to be myself, but a nicer version of myself, but when I do that, I feel like I'm not good enough. (And technically am not because I'm a narcissist).

I also have always wanted to be really special (e.g. a super nice, talented, beautiful, etc person), but now I wish I could just be a normal person. I seriously think I must have a vulnerable narcissism problem. I'm trying to become a genuinely nice person, but I keep going crazy and then it's like I've barely gotten anywhere with improving myself. Even my psychologists can't tell that I'm a narcissist, they say that I'm really sweet. Sometimes it feels nice when they say this, but other times, it's just awkward, especially since they wouldn't think that if they really knew me. 

If you are thinking "You can't be a narcissist if you think you are one, that's not the case. I often have moments where I know I am one and even when I don't think that I can tell that I have issues with it more than most people. I can't get help with it though because my psychologist would just think I'm feeling bad about myself and try to get me to work on my self-esteem instead of helping me with my narcissism problem.

I just want to be a normal person. 😞 

[Earth Girl]

Another thing about my personality is that I can't forgive people. Even if they do something really small or if it was something they did a really long time ago, I have trouble completely forgiving them. It's really weird. Could I have some advice with this as well?

I remember once on Facebook, I was looking through this thing that said "What do your ancestors from heaven want you to know?" and it said something like "Forgive others, we all make mistakes." - Your Grandmother. I still think it really could have been her wanting to tell me this through Facebook. I don't know why I have this problem, but I want to stop because like Facebook and my Nana say we all make mistakes (especially people like me) and it's silly to hold on so much on to things like this.

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

I believe one of the toughest things to achieve in life involves gaining a gradual understanding of who we naturally are. I've found a helpful belief to be 'I will do my best in coming to truly know myself'. It's a lifelong process.

If we're a 'sensitive' (someone who senses easily) or a 'feeler' (someone who feels easily and deeply) the challenge can involve gaining a sense or a feel for who we naturally are. While there are many theories and facts in regard to who we naturally are and how we naturally work, I personally tend to gravitate towards the theories I sense or feel as being constructive. Of course, they're just theories. One theory I like involves we humans being comprised of many different facets. So, while I wouldn't say I'm a narcissist, I definitely have a narcissist in me. While I wouldn't say I'm a stresser, completely intolerant, a constant daydreamer etc, I have a stresser in me that leads me to stress, an intolerant part of me that likes to have a vent occasionally and a daydreamer in me that I can access at any given time. With this theory and with a solid core sense of self, we can choose to tap into or channel any part of ourself we like. Sounds simple but it can be far from simple, for what happens when a part of ourself comes to life whether we like it or not? Say, if we wanted to have a full on and much needed intolerant vent to our therapist but the people pleaser in us just won't let us ('You can't say that! What will he/she think of you?'). The people pleaser in us may ensure we please our therapist and just go along with things.

While the self serving aspect of who we are can serve us incredibly well at times, what happens when it's completely out of control, when it leads us to become completely self serving at a cost to others? Definitely doesn't make us popular, that's for sure, and understandably so. To become a master of all aspects of self is the ultimate challenge. 'How do I master the critic in me, the judge in me, the perfectionist in me, the people pleaser in me?' etc etc. There are always going to be new parts of us coming to life too (under a variety of new circumstances), so that's even more aspects to master.

With the 'Core sense of self with many facets' theory being just one theory, you could consider it in saying 'While my psychologist may insist on addressing and helping the part of me that lacks self esteem, he/she's not addressing the narcissist in me. It's the narcissist in me, more than anything, that's making my life feel like hell on earth at times'.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Earthgirl….🤗🩷..

My late husband was loved by everyone that knew him…he was very kind, caring, nurturing and everything good…that is outside our front door…inside closed door he was mean, controlling, abusive and unforgiving…any small mistake I done was met by abuse and weeks of the silken treatment…not acknowledging I even existed….

My father, one of my brothers were the same as my hubby…I grew up and lived in a narcissist environment for 57 years…I thought that is how everyone lived…after his passing, I fell into deep depression, and PTSD from years of abuse…anxiety I’ve had all my life…

I only ever heard the word narcissist here on the forums, that’s when I realised that was my husbands trait, personally etc…it saddened me to know that if I knew about the narcissist taits…I would have tried my best to get him the help he needed to get himself sorted out….because I believe that with professional help he could have changed…other people say…you can’t change a persons nature…

Dear Earthgirl….you have great insight into what your doing, how you’re treating and talking to people and you know that it is not acceptable for them or you…plus you want to change yourself for the better…Well done you sweetheart…

Maybe Earthgirl, if you have a counsellor or psychologist copy your words here on the forums and show it to them…or just take your computer, iPad or phone and let them read it…you have poured your heart out here, spoken honestly about your thoughts and fears…your counsellor/ psychologist would be able to understand how your struggling with these narcissistic thoughts….if you don’t have a professional therapist then show it to your Dr…so they can get you the help you very much deserve…You are a wonderful person Earthgirl wanting to be kind and caring to everyone…I know you can do it, because you have a strong want in your heart….

Thinking of you with kindness and care….hugs 🤗🤗beautiful Earthgirl…

Grandy..

[Earth Girl]

Hi therising,

Thank you for your reply, you made a lot of great points! It would be helpful for me to get to truly know myself so I can see what areas exactly I need to work on. Sometimes I think of myself in the way that I wish I could be and try to make myself believe that it's true, sort of like delusional daydreaming, but at the end of the day, it doesn't make me a better person and makes it harder for me to improve myself. 

Whenever the narcist in me comes out, I'm going to try to see where I am going wrong and get back to a healthy state of mind. 

I'm also going to try not to self-serve myself too much, but at the same time try to help out more in other areas. I really like trying to help people in certain ways like trying to help people with their problems and give advice, but I don't tend to help people as much when it comes to things like psychical type of work, so I am going to do that part more. I've known some people who often help others with their problems to the point where I don't think they even address their own much at all and I've seen it be really hard on them. I'm going to try to balance helping other people as well as helping myself with things that will improve my life such as exercising more. 

[Earth Girl]

Hello Ggrand 🙂

I'm sorry you had to go through all that and that you thought it was normal for people to treat you that way. That would have been really hard.

I believe that people can get better too, even if it's hard to improve yourself. 

I used to do this really bad thing where I would tell people things that others had said about them/what people have said about others and things like that. At the time I didn't realize just how bad it was, but I do now, and I have hurt a lot of people by doing so. I can see now that it was manipulative and like a type of way of controlling people because being controlling doesn't just have to be telling others what to do, it can be done in other ways as well. I wasn't a nice person. I wouldn't even want to tell my psychologist this even though it might help because she would probably think I was really horrible. I know not to do it anymore, even in situations where I think it may help someone (because that's not what ended up happening). 

Someone once told me their problems with someone else and I didn't tell the person they were talking about, about it, but I did tell someone who was close to the person they were talking about thinking that it would help them see it through the person who told me point of view, but instead they thought we were over reacting and asked people who were close to the first person I was talking about, about it and it got back to them and now they think I was trying to betray them. So that's an example of when I did it not meaning any harm at all, but there have been other times that I have done things like this, but in a more damaging way that I deeply regret. I am very disappointed in myself for doing these things even during the few times when I didn't mean to harm anyone because even then, I should have known better.

Even admitting to this type of thing on here is hard. This type of behavior is why I think I'm probably Narcisstic. 

But yes, I really want to love and care for other and become a kind person who wouldn't get involved in other people's business. I'm embarrassed that I ever did it in the first place. I feel like it's something a young child would do, if anyone. 

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

I believe it helps to wonder 'What part of myself would I like to practice bringing to life more often?'. I've found it also helps to wonder about the nature of this aspect of self. With you mentioning developing the caring part of you, you could consider the caring aspect of yourself to be caring in soulful ways, mental ways and physical ways. How could it lead you to care more in 3 different types of ways? What characteristics will or does the caring part of you have? It helps to become more conscious of the part of ourself we're wanting to develop.

I've found developing certain parts of myself can make a difference in a variety of ways. For example

• If I work on developing the confidant in me, which helps keep private matters a secret, it will help me manage the gossiper in me. While the gossiper in me may dictate 'Tell these people you know the reason your friend is suffering', the confidant in me may insist 'You promised your friend you wouldn't repeat what they said. Promises are an important part of friendship. You're either a friend or a gossiper. Choose which one you're going to be'. Without me having developed the confidant in me, there is nothing to stop the gossiper in me from gossiping
• If I work on developing the intolerant part of myself, it will help me manage the people pleaser in me. If someone's degrading me, the people pleaser in me may insist 'Don't say anything. Don't rock the boat and upset anyone'. The intolerant part of myself may come to insist 'To hell with pleasing this person. Stand up for yourself. Be upstanding'. Without me having developed the intolerant part of myself (in constructive ways), I'd still have a number of people in my life treating me like garbage. Being treated like garbage becomes depressing. The intolerant part of myself helps me manage depression

I used to be an incredibly selfish person when I was younger. Developing through motherhood is what changed me in significant ways. It's what led to so many different parts of me coming to life. People change in a lot of different ways under a whole variety of circumstances. It can be so hard to not beat ourself up when we become more conscious of the things we used to do before we began to change our ways. Reflecting on who we used to be can feel like a form of mental torture at times. Greater consciousness is not an easy thing to manage at times. When we become more conscious of other people's feelings, we can begin to feel the impact we once had on them. When we become conscious of their sense of betrayal, sadness, anger and more, we begin to feel those things. And as the feeler in us develops in a way that allows us to begin feeling more for others, it's important to be able to say 'A self serving person is who I used to be but no longer am. Now, I am someone who feels for others. This is who I am'. Focusing on who we presently are helps take care of ghosts of the past (the vapor trail of selves we have left behind us).

[Earth Girl]

Thank you so much therising,

I'm definitely going to work on the confidant part of me because that's something I know now is extremely important and like you said, an important part of being a good friend is not to gossip.

It's also good to know that being intolerant can be good depending on how you go about it. You can use it to stick up for yourself and others and not let people walk all over you anymore. 

Thanks so much! 🙂