UPDATED: Its hard to reach out. Feels like no one would understand.

[wizard1980]

Hi

For a majority of my life I have felt so isolated and hard to reach out to express how I actually feel. I have thought about seeing a GP which I did a few years back.

Now the feeling is back and feels like its smacked me in the face 10 times over. I want to go back to a GP but having to go back over everything hurts more inside & somehow I talk myself out of it.

I have very little if any self confidence. Growing up I was never given encouragement & receiving any encouragement as an adult is hard to accept and not sure how to take it let alone respond to it. Feeling like this has made me so strong to the point I hate it at the same time. I have no family support. I only have a brother but he lives a few hours away and he suffers the same as I do. My relationship with my parents is toxic.Terrible childhood (no violence as such) more emotional abuse. I cant keep friends because they cant understand, yet at the same time I cant explain it to a point anyone cant understand. I can no longer trust anyone nor do I want to get close to anyone in the fear of being hurt or I hurt them from having so many emotions.

I get to a point I apologise to everyone every morning that I wake up as I feel I have let them down by just waking up. I have wondered if I would ever be missed. I promise you I have never tried to end my life in anyway & I don't intend to. Its just that I feel like a burden to everyone.

The isolation feeling gets me so emotional and I feel so low. I need to learn a new way to open up. I need sleep & my diet is poor yet I run my own business. I burn myself out every few months and just feel like I'm in a dark hole.

I need to learn new ways to reach out without the fear of being judged or feel embarrassed. Without breaking down would be great too. I'm so confused inside I need a way to get it all out. Its so lonely. I wake up alone, I work alone, I go to bed at night alone. my fear is that I too will one day die alone & no one would know.

Thank you for listening.

[blondguy]

Hello Wizard1980

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the courage to reach out and post! Having to re-cover everything is a pain I agree...but these feelings of low self worth and isolation are still similar to a physical problem that you would go and see a doc for.

Sometimes in order to feel better we have to feel worse. It sounds like you need a really good vent to your doc. I remember bursting into tears and felt awful doing so but after a couple of days I realised I felt so much better because I released all that built up sadness and frustration of being alone.

Even if you print out the post you have written..make the appt and then go in and just give the page to your doc!

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so Wizard. You have great strength by posting here on the forums and well done to you! Giving your doc a piece of paper is a lot easier than what you have accomplished here.

There are many super kind people here on the forums that suffer from some degree of low self esteem and low self confidence....you will not be alone here.

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish Wizard...Welcome to the BB family 🙂

My Kind thoughts for you

Paul

Being isolated can be soul destroying, I have been on my own for ages know and it can really knock the self confidence around. I do understand where you are coming from Wizard

I see you have seen a GP before about how you feel which is great.

[QldMouse]

Hi Wizard1980,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone, I am very similar, similar background and I so understand. I'm slowly feeling better but got to a very bad state several years ago. If you are a product of 1980 then I have more than 20 years on you!!

I really hear the talk to GP issue, I've found most GP's don't want to know. You have to shop around until you find one with a clue, but I did. And I would not say he is a sensitive type, more your classic crusty old country a--hole variety but he believes in "sorting things out". Once I got over the shock, he has actually proven helpful and directed me to specialists. I've have been on a journey with Psycho's and Councillors.

Again, If the one your seeing is not working for you, try another until you get satisfaction.

I only came here a week ago, but first reading then posting my own thread has been a real boost to my spirits.

I hope it is a real boost to yours, you are far from alone buddy. There are more of us than I would have believed.

PS. to Paul, really like your comments in this thread and the others, well done. Good idea about printing the thread, wish I thought of that!!

[White_Rose]

Hello Wizard and Mouse

Great to see you helping others Mouse. That's what are here for, to help each other.

Printing your post or the whole thread is something we often suggest. It's hard talking to a GP you have never seen before. Those first few conversations can be painful so handing over a piece of paper can break the ice most effectively.

Wizard, try a bit of magic on yourself. Sprinkle some fairy dust, take a deep breath and make an appointment with your GP. Remind yourself this is the first step towards getting your life under your control. It won't be easy and often not pretty, but so what. I sat in the psychologist's office for two hours and cried the whole time. I was exhausted afterwards but felt so much better.

I have seen a couple of psychs and had to repeat my story. Each time it hurts and I cry and become upset. But each time it hurts less and when I found a good psych I was able to start healing. This is what we all need.

There are times when I want to give it all up, run away and have nothing to do with the world. These are the times I talk to someone I trust. And this is where you need a good psych or counsellor who will walk with you on your journey. Ask your doctor to help you find such a person. There are so many rewards.

Consider what Mouse and Paul have said. It's good stuff.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi.

This is my first time posting. I have been on antidepressants for about 4 year, after i had my second child, but in the last 3 months started therapy when i hit a particular low point.

The schema therapy im trying is really hard and i feel like I've been pulled apart and don't quite know how to put myself back together.

I don't feel like anyone understands it and that I'm losing the close friend i have confided in because of it. My husband is very supportive and understanding.

Now i just feel alone and exhausted.

Thanks

Just hoping to find I'm not alone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Pelayn

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good to meet you.

I know a little about schema therapy, enough to know it's not straight forward. Do you have a psychologist or psychiatrist working with you on this? It's always difficult when we start exploring ourselves because there are parts of us we do not want touched. it can be painful and sometimes it seems we had forgotten them, only to find the emotions rising again.

The idea is that we learn about those things that make us sad or hurt and understand where they come from so that when a similar situation crops up we know how to manage it. But learning about our past is also useful to get rid of things like blaming ourselves for situations that were not our fault. So yes, it is hard and feels very uncomfortable. Keep talking with your psych about the way you feel until you are ready to move on.

Everyone here understands you because we have all been where you are to in one way or another. It's good to have friends you talk to. Unfortunately they can feel overwhelmed by your distress and do not know what to do. Can you talk to her again and say you do not mean to dump everything on her and work out a system where perhaps you can talk for a short time and then the pair of you talk about something. Can you read the information provided by BB and give her some reading about depression. BB will send any information you want or you can download it.

Limiting you discussion about your problems is good for you because you then have the opportunity to talk and think about something else. Also it shows your friend you respect. Perhaps you can talk about those things that worry your friend. Keep your conversations a two-way street.

I saw your post here because I was checking to see if the original person had replied. Not many people will see your post in the middle of someone else's thread unless they also want to talk to the original poster. So I suggest you start another thread of your own where you will receive replies about you and your situation. That way we will all be able to see you, so to speak, and more people will be able to respond to you.

I look forward to continuing this conversation on another thread.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary.

Thank you for all that advice and the advice on posting.

I feel good in saying that i have done or am doing everything you mentioned especially around my close friend.

I have had a lot of light bulb moments through my therapy and feel better about past behaviors. Now i need to concentrate on how to move forward and what works for me.

I will start my own post.

Thanks

[wizard1980]

Its been about a month since I posted this original post. I haven't been to the GP since all because I cant take the breakdowns anymore. I need friends. I feel I have lost everything. All I do is work and that's it. Feels like such a dark box I'm in and non one is around to open it. I just feel like running so far away then being lonely wouldn't be an issue as much. I just want to be accepted and smile again. I cant let anyone close to me. I cant handle it anymore. I'm so good at pretending I'm ok when I'm most certainly not.

[White_Rose]

Hello Wizard

So pleased you have come back to us. I hope we can at least hold your hand. Many people find it is a relief to talk about themselves here because it is anonymous and somehow less painful. This may be because you are writing and not talking face to face with someone. But whatever works for you.

There are plenty of people here who will befriend you. If you need some relief from discussing your mental health, go to the BB Social Zone. It's the second forum from the top. You can meet to gossip in the cafe, and choose whatever you like to eat and drink. Join in one of the games or visit the Blue Room and watch YouTube clips. Lots of activities for you. Even several threads for jokes.

Let us, the people on BB, come close to you if you cannot face people in any other way. We don't bite and we do have lots of experiences we would love to share. It is surprising how often one person's coping mechanism works for someone else. Give it a try. Perhaps you can think of us as your practice mates.

I do think the sooner you get some professional help the quicker you will regain your confidence and start to heal. Print out your first post and give it to the doctor. I know it can be painful, but at the risk of sounding trite, short term pain for long term gain. Hold on to this thought. You can get through the dark spots and back into the light. This will open the door of that box you are in. Did I just mix my metaphors?

Keep writing to us and ask about anything. There is such a wealth of experience that someone will have an answer for you.

Mary

[Unknown76]

Hi Wizard1980,

I just started posting yesterday i feel im in a bad place as well but i think you have described something i feel in a great way "Feels like such a dark box i'm in and nobody around to open it" sorry I don't have any words of wisdom as I can't even see the way out of my own box but just wanted you to know at this point for me finding some words to what i feels helps me and your post has done that little bit. Thanks and i'll try to follow your posts