Undiagnosed Bipolar - Anger or resentment?

[LynC]

Hey everyone, just wanted to know if anyone had similar feelings or advice about this as it’s relatively new for me.

A quick bio… Diagnosed about 4 months ago, officially bipolar II, at age 40. Life has changed, very much for the better, medication and support services have made my head clear and my heart happy for the first time in a long time.

I was first diagnosed with depression and medicated with antidepressants 4 years ago after a significant breakdown. Fast forward through many hurdles and heartache, the universe put an incredible doctor in my path that diagnosed me with bipolar II and changed everything.

So, to the reason for my post.

When you finally have an answer, is it then normal to think back through your life to figure out when this started? Well that’s what I did, I went back further and further until I found memories of a 7 year old me going through some very erratic behaviors, then again into teenage years where things got out of control.

I have always thought I was a good kid with a bad temper and a rebellious streak, i’ve spent most of my adult life guilt ridden about what I put my parents through from about the age of 13 and the outbursts I had when I was younger.

Now i’m beginning to understand that perhaps not everything was within my control.

I’ve been told bipolar (the whole spectrum) is incredibly hard to diagnose, but I can’t help having feelings of anger and resentment to my parents (who I love dearly) and now this makes me feel awful even having these thoughts.

I feel like a huge part of my life wasn’t real, I wasn’t the kind, loving me that I knew I was deep down, I regret so much but can’t help feel like it could have been different, it didn’t need to be this way.

How do you let go of the past? the things you lost with your illness? I want to look forward as life has become so much more positive but these thoughts keep chewing away at my mind.

I have a very loving, understanding husband, sister and close friend in my support circle. My parents do not know anything about my illness.

Thank you for any words in advance x

[Maddeline]

Hi LynC,

I am happy to hear that your life is becoming more positive and you have found a doctor that understands your needs. Resentment and anger are common because we feel as though we may have missed out on a life so positive, such as the one that you are living now. Saying that, staying in the present (easier said than done) is something that we all have to do. The past is not something we can control or change. Staying in the here and now, the actions and steps we take are things that we can control. I do not think that it is a matter of 'letting go' of the past, but more of an acceptance of the past. Instead of focusing on the things that you believe you have lost due to the illness, possibly focus on the things you have been able to gain. Your strength, endurance and ability to form a strong support circle are all things to be proud of, and the past is what brought you to have these positive things in your life.

As for your parents, possibly speaking to them about your diagnoses will help you gain closure. As you said Bipolar II is very difficult to diagnose, and the diagnoses itself is not a well known one - the alternation between hypomania and depression, can disguise itself quite well and not allow people to fully understand. Maybe talking to your parents, explaining the diagnoses and hearing their reactions and assurances may help you move past the resentment and anger.

I would love to hear from you x

[quirkywords]

LynnC

welcome to the forum my thanks for writing your first post.
My story isa bit different but I can relate to the anger resentment.

I was diagnosed at 16 with manic depression some 45 years ago. As there was little information back then so I was in denial for over 16 yeArs. unlike you I had a diagnosis. but there was no support back then .

I used wonder if I had been diagnosed in the late 1980s and it the 1970s where I could have had more success with my studies. I too was a different child . ISO Derek why I got it a ot. Y siblings

I was angry and resentful and on a few occasions I still am but mostly, I look at what I have and have achieved .
You have a diagnosis, a loving husband, friends and a close support circle as well as loving parents.

Do you think you may tell your parents one day.?

After 45 years of living with a diagnosis I have learnt and still learning and take it day by day.

You are learning to live in a different way and it will take time.

Feelings of guilt, of what if’s, of what bid that mean of anger and resentment all common as one tries to make sense of a diagnosis.

There is a thread This bipolar life , that you may find interesting .

We are friendly supportive group.

If you want ask question or keep chatting I am here and ready to listen.

[LynC]

Thank you Maddeline for your very kind words and advice.

It’s true that there has been so much to gain, it’s easy to get lost in the negatives. I’ve spent most of my life focusing on my failings that it can be a hard habit to break, it’s not until I was having therapy for depression I started to really look at what I had achieved and could achieve.

I want to talk to my parents but i’m worried about my mum. She was diagnosed with depression at 29 when her father died. I don’t believe she has ever been successfully diagnosed with a treatment plan that is right for her, and her behaviors are sometimes like looking in a mirror. I feel like it might be too upsetting for her to talk about me.
I’m close to my dad and I think that might be the first step, he’s very practical and straight talking but also has cared for my mum through all these years.

I think closure is what I need.

Thank you again x

[LynC]

Hi quirkyword, thank you for sharing your story, empathy is such a comfort, even though I hate to think of others suffering, it makes me feel less alone.

I agree with the fact that the help and support 20+ years ago was nothing like today. My resentment often stems from wishing someone had just looked at me as a teenager and had a different thought than ‘just another troubled teen’ they could have just picked up a sign, but then, who would? If my parents weren’t encouraged to discuss mental health there was probably no hope that they would talk to their children about it.

I am learning day by day to cherish what I have, I will keep trying to let go of the past, I know it will lead to a happier life.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply, I will have a look for the Bipolar Life thread x

[Jasmine16]

Hi Lyn,

Congratulations on getting your life back on track. I too have Bipolar II and was diagnosed after the Sept 11 incident in America. I have suffered with it for 22 years but 3 years ago I went into remission. I suggest you check your thyroid out. Sometimes, an underactive/overactive thyroid gland could be contributing to the bipolar. This is seldom detected as it was in my case. Usually, if a good psychiatrist picks this up, this usually lessens the effects of bipolar greatly. Also learn to forgive yourself for the past. Your parents will still understand your situation. Guilt does not keep you focused on the "now" of life, instead oit takes you back in time to a bad place.

Focus on the future and what you already have and succeded in doing. And looking at it, you seem to be climbing each hill as steadily as you can. That's the best approach. Do not hold on to the past that you cannot change. Focus on life ahead, that's where you'll find satisfaction. Remember forgiveness is the medicine that you need.

Regards......Jasmine16

[quirkywords]

Jasmine 16

welcome to the forum and thanks for using your first post to help another.

i had not heard of thyroid being related to bipolar,ar.

LynC , thanks for your reply. I like the way you are learning to cherish what you have.