Uncertainty and fear

Girl_Anachronism · ‎15-03-2014

"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer."
~Dorothy Rowe

How am I today? Afraid and uncertain.

I made good progress these past few days. I went shopping most days for this or that. I even did the dishes. TWICE. So why do I feel so bad. I was out doing things. Achieving things. This should make me feel better. So why do I feel this crushing weight on my shoulders now? Why does the thought of next week fill me with dread?

I think I know the answer to that one. I have my first volunteer shift on Monday. Just three hours. Three hours I get to spend with cats, volunteering to help out at the cat shelter. Cats make me happy. It's only three hours. That should make me happy.

But I'm not. I am afraid. So terribly terribly afraid. My monsters keep whispering to me about what could go wrong. They keep whispering about how I'll screw it up. Normally I have at least a little strength to fight it off, or at least shrug it off and let the social anxiety of missing this appointment carry me through those three hours.

I look inside and all I find is emptiness. These past few days, I almost felt like a person again. Hell I can shorten that sentence. I almost FELT. Where did that person go? II saw her, glimpses of her in the edges of my vision. I can't even see her now, where did she go?

It hurts too much to hope. Hope should be a big positive, glowing thing but in my mind it is but a flickering candle flame. I don't dare com out of the dark towards that light because I can't trust it. It might go out any minute. I'll be left in the dark again, the dark I know so well. Worse, I'll be left in the dark with the memories of what that light was, what it could have been.

I'm not sure why I am posting. I just felt all these thoughts, like a pressure inside my head. I had to let it out somewhere. It's chaos in my head at the moment, voices shouting over voices; faces appearing in the crowd only to disappear a split second later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know....

I wanted to apologise for not posting much lately. I just can't hear over all the voices, to get one clear line of thought sometimes. And then there is the effort of coming on here and pushing all these keys to get it out. Then the waiting, the anxiety as I hope it gets posted. I hope someone sees. The fear that something will go wrong and it will disappear and I'll have to type the thing out again, which seems all too hard.

So you see I am having trouble helping myself right now. I don't know how to help others. It' like offering a hand down to help someone up and over a cliff edge. I don't have the strength in my arms when the ground is crumbling beneath my own feet. If I only had a firm footing, I could help pull you up. I could do something good. I could do something.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎05-04-2014

Hi GA

Ahhh yes, Les Mis - some really very good music in that production. I always enjoyed "Master Of The House". 🙂

I'm with Jo as well - great to hear from you and how are you feeling now that you're in hospital?

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎05-04-2014

Hi again,

I have gotten a tablet so I am still not as verbose as with my PROPER keyboard but this is much better and easier to read. I did go to that second emergency appointment my psych booked on wednesday and somewhere in between the morning rituals and her office my head just broke. I could barely speak, let alone move or make decisions for myself. Thus I was admitted in here.

It's been a week and a bit now and I have basically decided to live and give trying another shot. I might change up meds while in here, and I have beeen having psychogenic nonepileptic seizures for the first time in my life. So if I was wondering could life get worse, the answer is yes. Still learning to deal with the seizures but a bit of rest may have charged up these old batteries for another go. I'm not exactly hopeful and still quite detached.

I guess I am still trying. That is the main thing.

GA

geoff · ‎06-04-2014

dear GA, I'm with Neil and Jo, concerned for you being in hospital and when do you think you are coming out. L Geoff. x

Girl_Anachronism · ‎06-04-2014

Hi all,

At this stage day leave as of wednesday probably and fully discharged next week with any luck.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎10-04-2014

Hi GA

Just checking in to see if you're about? AND to see how you might be doing?

I hope you've found you hospital stay beneficial - even if just in a small way.

Kind regards

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎10-04-2014

Hi Neil,

I was discharged yesterday and have spent the day with my hubby rearranging the house and shopping for prospective furniture. Also had my first session with a new psychologist. She is taking a different approach and it might be just the new perspective I need. Also no seizures as yet since I have been home.

I think I am going to have to go off the new antidepressant as it is giving me the same migraines and light sensitivity as the first one I tried, but I will talk about that at the med review later this month. I am happy to be off the weight gain antidepressant.

Dark thoughts wise, I have postponed that decision til the end of the year. it is too soon to say anything else too positive. I can't be certain. I am more scared than ever but is it better to say that instead I of being scared of myself, I am scared that I might fail again, or worse succeed?

Also our place was robbed while in the hospital, so good thing I got the tablet as my laptop is gone along with some other things. What's that saying about life kicking you when you're down?

GA

Neil_1 · ‎11-04-2014

Hi GA

Ohhhhhh – I was reading bits of positiveness in your post and then was left feeling empty when I got to your last para! What dirty low life scum there are out there!!!!! Gee that angers me – and they just do it and get away with it. They come into your own home and it’s a massive invasion of privacy, invasion of your own sanctuary and to take things that you’ve worked so damn hard for. It’s an awful awful feeling – when we were done, I came home and the front door was half open – it’s a sickening feeling.

No seizures is good – getting migraines isn’t good, but great that you’re going to get off that as well as that other one that puts on the unwanted body parts (weight gain).

Yes GA, those dark thoughts need to be pushed right to the very back of your mind – put them into a room at the back of your mind and then lock the door. We don’t want them coming out at all if we can help it.

Little steps along the way – and rearranging things around the home is always good as well as being able to get hold of some new furniture as well.

It was great to hear from you. Little steps towards positiveness GA. That’s all pretty much any of us can do.

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎11-04-2014

Hi Neil,

It does put a dent in our plans but I can't change what happened- just be glad I had my valuables with me in the hospital and didn't lose everything like my husband, including credit card and id. I should also be thankful that my husband nor my cats were injured at the time.

I had a home visit from my OT today. Long interview as it is a new person. Maybe I should write a book so I can just hand that to them as opposed to explaining it all. Again. The good news is that she got in contact with my psychiatrist regards to the med side effects ans she said to drop back to half my dosage. She is also going to see if she can get an appointment for me this coming week as opposed to the week after. One week less of headaches would be nice.

Still no full seizures though I had a partial one last night. Despite distracting myself with buying and building furniture, my anxiety is worse. Maybe the old meds were helping with that after all. I don't have enough sleeping tablets to get me through til the next appointment either, so I am going for a few days with broken sleep at a time in order to make them last.

I also organised another shift for monday at the cattery. I don't know if I can do it. Should I have waited longer? I don't know. My husband also took two days off work to spend time with me at home. I understand he's worried but we are getting to the end of his contract with no savings, so financial troubles might be looming ahead.

I also would have preferred time alone before the weekend. But how can I deny him my company when he was planning my funeral a week ago.

I think I preferred soul crushing depression to this anxiety. This fear is so much worse.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎12-04-2014

Just a quick update.

Seizure last night. I swear I am going to get abs the way this is going. Also some social anxiety over friends coming over tonight and a new volunteer shift on monday. I posted a much longer message which to my thought had nothing bad in it, and I haven't recieved a message about it so hopefully it will be up soon.

I prefer being in my house with my stuff as opposed to hospital but damn if this real life stuff isn't hard.

GA

Jo3 · ‎12-04-2014

Hi GA,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch especially with the seizure. I am thinking of you and hope you are okay today.

GA, you are a strong fighter and I believe that you will get there.

I'm sorry I am lost for words today, only 2 hours left before I go back to hospital.

Just wanted to say that i am thinking of you.

Take care

Jo xxx