Uncertainty and fear

[Girl_Anachronism]

"Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer."
~Dorothy Rowe

How am I today? Afraid and uncertain.

I made good progress these past few days. I went shopping most days for this or that. I even did the dishes. TWICE. So why do I feel so bad. I was out doing things. Achieving things. This should make me feel better.  So why do I feel this crushing weight on my shoulders now? Why does the thought of next week fill me with dread?

I think I know the answer to that one. I have my first volunteer shift on Monday. Just three hours. Three hours I get to spend with cats, volunteering to help out at the cat shelter. Cats make me happy. It's only three hours. That should make me happy.

But I'm not. I am afraid. So terribly terribly afraid. My monsters keep whispering to me about what could go wrong. They keep whispering about how I'll screw it up. Normally I have at least a little strength to fight it off, or at least shrug it off and let the social anxiety of missing this appointment carry me through those three hours.

I look inside and all I find is emptiness. These past few days, I almost felt like a person again. Hell I can shorten that sentence. I almost FELT. Where did that person go? II saw her, glimpses of her in the edges of my vision. I can't even see her now, where did she go?

It hurts too much to hope. Hope should be a big positive, glowing thing but in my mind it is but a flickering candle flame. I don't dare com out of the dark towards that light because I can't trust it. It might go  out any minute. I'll be left in the dark again, the dark I know so well. Worse, I'll be left in the dark with the memories of what that light was, what it could have been.


I'm not sure why I am posting. I just felt all these thoughts, like a pressure inside my head. I had to let it out somewhere. It's chaos in my head at the moment, voices shouting over voices; faces appearing in the crowd only to disappear a split second later. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know....

I wanted to apologise for not posting much lately. I just can't hear over all the voices, to get one clear line of thought sometimes. And then there is the effort of coming on here and pushing all these keys to get it out. Then the waiting, the anxiety as I hope it gets posted. I hope someone sees. The fear that something will go wrong and it will disappear and I'll have to type the thing out again, which seems all too hard.

So you see I am having trouble helping myself right now. I don't know how to help others. It' like offering a hand down to help someone up and over a cliff edge. I don't have the strength in my arms when the ground is crumbling beneath my own feet. If I only had a firm footing, I could help pull you up. I could do something good. I could do something.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Wow, so awesome to hear from you and dear GA, I don't know if you've ever thought about it (or maybe you already have and you've got this feat achieved) but you should seriously think about writing a book.  A story book or even one about yourself.  You are so freakin' talented when it comes to the form of word articulation.

You wondered if your post made sense ... it made so much damn sense, that I read it and thought, I'll just read GA's post and then head to the gym.  But nope, I read it and felt compelled immediately to reply to it.  So now you're holding me up from the gym!!!  🙂   Just kidding.  It's all good.  🙂

GA, what you've been doing of late is PERFECT.  As in, your doing what you need to do to assist yourself and by not coming on here as frequently, so be it.  That's your decision to make that and no-one should ever feel compelled to come on here.  It's a website that is simply up to any individual to choose whether they come on or not.

You said you had some good days recently and wow, I was so pleased to read that and that you got out to do things.  BUT you said you didn't feel, you know, like a weight lifted.  My psych on Thursday told me something similar in that for me to get out and do things;  or to stay at work just that little longer, when I'd rather head home and be 'safe'.  She said by doing that a little more each time and by staying just that little longer each time, it slowly wears down the demons - the depression;  because you are controlling it.  You aren't staying at home, you aren't heading home early - you're controlling it.  And her comment on this was that you won't notice it straight away - it's a process.

She used like chipping away at a large rock.  You can't just hope that it'll vanish and be gone overnight when you do something like this.  It takes time, it takes effort from you (me, us, gosh, whoever) to continue to do these things and in time, doing these things WILL become easier.

Your posts has got me typing juices flowing, but I fear I'm going to hit the word limit soon, so I will just chat quickly about the cats thing you've got coming up.  BRILLIANT BRILLIANT GA.  That sounds so awesome and of course, you're nervous and have apprehension about it now.  That's only natural.  But think about it and I am speaking to someone here of vastly superior intelligence than me (don't argue on this, because it's true) - you are going along to a volunteer shelter kind of thing;  where there are other wonderfully like-minded people who will also be there.  Different people but all sharing the major love of looking after and caring for cats.  It'll be lovely smiles all round and friendly introductions and then before you know it, they'll be introducing you to the cats and you'll immediately kick the bejeesus out of your depressive state right then and there.  The cats will melt your issues away and you'll enter a different mindset.  You'll enter GA's beautiful mindset - the caring, the supportive, the nurturing, the helping instincts will come to the fore and there'll be no room for any of the nasties.  Believe me, it'll be the most beautiful 3 hours you will have spent for such a long long time.

After it, think about it and transcend yourself back there (IF) you feel anything nasty wanting to come back after.

I hope this makes it, cause I guess it is rather long.  I would love to keep going, but should post this now.

I'll chat again soon,

Neil

[geoff]

dear GA, that light isn't a candle, it's a light globe which means that it won't go out if you pass it, so depression is like a candle it always goes out and with it it leaves a build up of debris that is attached to it, so this means only one thing, and that's to trust the light globe.

So on your way to the cat shelter keep your mind occupied, and as the cat whisper has told me, that they can't wait for someone new, someone who adores kittens and who loves them and their meow. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

Dearest GA I know you are really suffering but I just wanted to tell you that you have been in my thoughts & I have left you be a bit because the last few msgs I sent just to ask how you were-you only provided very short replies & I'm so sorry I misinterpreted them in that I thought you wanted some space & to not have to feel obligated to reply. But I've still had you in my thoughts. You know I think you have been doing it really tough the past 2-3 months. That feeling of numbness & emptiness has been with you for quite a while & it makes me sad as I can only imagine that it causes you to feel alone & isolated with hurtful thoughts. Going through this period has obviously created a sense of a lack of hope, isolation & loneliness being stuck with debilitating thoughts going around your mind. So yes you would feel anxious & fearful of being back amongst people even though you will be doing a job you will love. I hope that looking after the cats is not only satisfying but also will provide a much needed distraction from the pain you are enduring. It should be enjoyable & once you are there & doing what you love-your anxiety levels may also lessen. Ill be thinking of you & really hope it goes well. I understand you may be anxious tonight -do you have anything you could do to distract yourself? Try (I know it's hard) to challenge the voices by saying STOP I will be ok, I'm going to do something ill love. Do you have anything you take to sleep-I was just going to suggest a bath or shower & a decent sleep. Remember we all feel anxious & fearful when we do something new, especially the first time when we have to meet people. I'm going for an interview with Volunterring NSW tomorrow so they can talk to me about my skills & my interests & match me up for a position. Am I nervous? He'll yeah. Am I over-thinking and overanalysing it-of course. Yet we are the ones offering them a benefit-we don't get paid so we needn't be nervous but of course we are. Ill be thinking of you, what time do you start? My interview is at 12pm. You are super special & I've missed you. Love Mares xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi again,

I don't know what to type here.

Before I forget, Neil I have started writing a book. While I have written stories all my life- modern short stories or sprawling fanasy, I wrote the first the first third of a Sci Fi trilogy I had planned last year for NaNoWriMo ( National Novel Writing Month). 50000 words and it is only a third of the way through.

It was actually one of the warning signs pre breakdown last year. I was spending all this time writing but not studying for exams and I would have stopped except for the fact that writing was the only thing worth getting out of bed for. Even though I realised this was a bad sign, I kept going because this goal of 50000 words in a month was the only thing left. If I could do this, maybe I was still worth something, despite my life falling to pieces around me because I couldn't get the energy to try and save it. If I couldn't reach that goal...the monsters in my head plans for that. I knew I wouldn't be able to live with that failure, but I wouldn't have to for long.

So I rolled with it. I had a lightbulb moment, a day before the exams when  I realised the scene which had poured out of me like a living, organic sentience, involved the character breaking down into tears, out of nowhere. I hadn't scripted it. It just happened, pouring from my fingertips. I read through my previous pages and saw for the first time little hints of the main character getting more and more depressed.

It was my subconscious' way of yelling at me; hitting a big red warning light and saying "There's something wrong here." The next day I went to see the university counsellor.

Of late, I have been logging in everyday and reading all the new posts in here. I want to help but don't know what to say in reply. THen there comes a night or an afternoon and it feels like my head just so full of these words. I don't even know what I am going to write about. All I know is that  there is a huge mob of angry words and thoughts knocking on my door. The only for them to let me be is to start a new post.

I don't understand my own head. I feel like lately I am getting less and less control over my life.It's one thing to be trapped inside by my own head. It's one thing to  unable to move in my bed, unable to get up. It's another thing entirely to try and just exist with these thoughts like voices shouting down at me in my own head. It's like in my head I am surrounded by a crowd of my own thoughts- some good some bad, some neutral,just saying that my bedspread looks awfully purple in the dim light from the window. 

I think that this is what always happened- a stimulus, any stimulus would set off a host of thoughts in a hundred different directions. Now, however, it is too much. I can't stand this yelling in my head. Just the decision to breathe is hard when all I hear is this constant chatter and noise.

Am I losing my grip on reality? It certainly feels like I am.

Since when was it hard just to think?

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Dear Mares,

I'm sorry for how my replies have come across. It is not that i want space. It was just such an effort to click the reply button, wait for it to load and type even a small sentence. I then would have to quickly hit post before other thoughts could change my mind. So if I post short replies like I did on here, consider it a cry for help, an invitation to reply more. At times like that I need people to draw me out.

In truth I feel honoured that anybody on here would consider me worth replying to. You all have it so tough and I haven't been able to help support you lately. I feel awful for asking for help when I can't reciprocate.

Even on the days when replying to other posts is too hard, my social anxiety and ingrained sense of courtesy demands that I reply (even if it just one sentence) to someone who has taken the time out of there own tough times to  post on my thread, or specifically directed at me.

I'm always here, even if all I can do is read.

My first shift is from 9 tomorrow, so about 11 or 12 your time. My regular antidepressant is part sleeping tablet so I take that. I have other sleeping tablet which don't clash that I can take if it doesn't work. I a just so scared I'll screw up or I'll do something wrong and then one of the few things I knew things about will be wrong and I would feel awkward ever visiting them again to get another cat at some point.The monsters like to throw images of people taking my cats away, which I know is unreasonable but I can't help thinking it.

As for distractions, nothing I do gives me real pleasure but I'll try.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff,

What if I walk into the light and see just how messed up I am? What if others see how broken I am?

Apologising for being broken doesn't make me fixed again. In some situations it makes it worse because they are so sick f hearing me apologise. I don't know how else to react. I can't look at these scars, all the cracks and say I am proud.I'm not. I hate them. I don't want anymore.

Yet I know I would feel better if I did. I would feel releif, if only for a little while. Then would come the shame the next day of seeing the new scars. The wait for them to fade enough to be acceptable. The feeling of self pity and that I was pathetic for indulging. If only I could be a little more courageous, I could finish the job.

I wouldn't have to worry about scars then. I wouldn't worry at all.

GA

[Dennis38]

Hello GA

First never feel bad if you can't or don't know what to say to someone else's post. I read a lot of the posts and either do not feel up to replying or not sure what to say as I have not gone though that particular issue. Also never feel bad about needing help, we all need a hand from time to time even if we can return the favour right away, one day we may be able to but that is the best that anyone can do.

Its good that you can get out and go to the shelter to help out the cats do not worry about screwing up or doing something wrong, we all screw up from time to time ( hell one of my best/worse screw ups was flooding the factory that I was working at with over a ton of cooking grease!!) We learn from the mistakes and go on. Give yourself permission to screw up once in a while and this will help ease off that particular demon.

As for the voices shouting over each other I know that feeling oh so well, what I try to do is actually listen to them, just close my eyes and say ok what are you going to throw at me today, and look at these voices as rationally as I can, and pick the ones that I can say ok no this is not right then simply grab them and send them on their way. Do not listen to the voices to long as they can bog you down, I have done this and regretted it later. But by looking at one or two of them and saying ok this is not true, or ok I can change this it makes it a little easier to make the brain quiet down a little bit.

I personally Am going back to bed for a bit I have not been sleeping to well and as its only 9am I can claim its to early to get up lol So I am taking myself back to bed in hopes of sleeping a little bit better or at least sleeping with out dreaming, the dreams are getting rough of late.

Good luck at the cat shelter and enjoy it!

Dennis

[scorch]

Hi GA

I just want to say, the example that you show by sharing your struggles and how you get through them is really encouraging.  

I know you can't see it, but I think you are doing an amazing job at getting through life.  You show a great example to other people with mental illness, I know I am encouraged and feel hope when I read your posts because I see you winning the small, day to day battles of life and it gives me hope that I can continue to win my small battles too.

My words aren't coming out right at all today, but I really hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

[helpful_soul]

hi GA

I can understand the war that u have to fight I've been there myself. you don't want to apologise  all the time and u shouldn't have to. u are not broken so don't think it

u have to keep fighting find some thing to live for  don't worry about the bad concentrate on the good things in life. go to place and show that this is u and u are stronger then u where yesterday.

if u think you crazy im here to tell u you probably are

but ill tell u a secret all the best people are