Unable to cope with negative feelings when alone Feel worthless

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry I should be able to cope better than I am. I am overwhelmed when I am caring for my husband & need a break but then when he is out I just waste time & feel terrible. When I'm not productive or helping I'm worthless. I need to get a break so I can recover from fatigue but any break just allows the negative thoughts to take over so I feel worse. Most people here are much worse off than me so I shouldn't whinge. My councillor has been sick & so I have missed several planned sessions which hasn't helped

[Guest_5218]

Hi Elizabeth,

Really sorry that you arent enjoying your short respite break from your daily caring duties.  ) - :

I guess when you are suddenly faced with the luxury of 'time on your hands' it allows the mind a chance to think of something other than achieving all the necessary daily tasks that you need to accomplish on a daily basis.  And thats when you've got the time to start thinking of all the other negative thoughts that you are experiencing now.  Not good.  xx

I recall reading elsewhere that you were having a short break this weekend.  Am I correct in my recollection that your husband has family staying with him in your absence?  Or have I got it totally wrong and perhaps your husband is away while you are at home?  Anyway same result, you have time to spare.

Are you concerned that your husband is coping okay without you?  Perhaps give him a call when you can, just to satisfy yourself that all is well in that regard.  That means you definitely dont have any cause to feel guilty about taking a long overdue break to enable recovery from fatigue.

Then I think you need to keep busy.  Is there anything that you'd absolutely love to do, but have been unable to because of your caring duties?  It could be a really simple thing, like indulging in a good book curled up on the lounge?  Or maybe watching an enjoyable movie on tele or hiring a DVD?  I expect that may be something you dont do real often with your husbands blindness.  Or going out somewhere for a coffee or lunch with a friend or other family member.  Maybe a nice long luxurious soak in the bath?  Just something you dont normally allow yourself to do.  Something special.

Sorry your counsellor has been off, resulting in some missed therapy sessions.  That definitely wouldnt help you.

I hope you are able to get some enjoyment from this period of respite Elizabeth.  You certainly deserve to.  Any break that you allow yourself is not a waste of time.  Think of it more like you are recharging your batteries to enable you to go back and be a better and more able carer again after a little break.  That's never a waste.

Pamper yourself for a bit.  Your husband will eventually share in the benefits of your improved wellbeing.

Thinking of you Elizabeth,

Sherie xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you for your reply. We were supposed to be going away to stay with friends. This would have been good as my husband is friends with my friend's husband so we both enjoy the break. Having good company takes my mind off things. Unfortunately she cancelled due to family matter. My husband has started @ a men's shed which he enjoys. The other men make him feel useful & welcome. He is home now. 

I need to find things I enjoy when on my own. When single I was very independent travelling, skiing, hiking  dancing on my own but I've lost myself and feel bad about 'wasting'time or money on myself. I struggle to buy clothes for myself or get my haircut. Stupid Hey !!!

[White_Rose]

Hello Elizabeth

I read your other thread and decided that as you were getting heaps of help from others my comments would only be duplicates of theirs. However I also read this thread which is a little different. And also a situation I can relate to.

I think someone in the other thread mentioned a mouse running constantly on a wheel and I feel this is how you see yourself, constantly running on the spot in order not to fall off. It is a horrible feeling and exhausting. I did this for many years, although for different reasons. It's not easy to tell yourself to slow down, leave tasks unfinished, have a rest. The brain is on its mouse wheel and is dragging you along with it.

So what to do? Well first I had a chat to my brain and pointed out who was boss. Well sort of. Tell yourself you are going to sit and do... for ten minutes. During that time you will fill your mind with happy pictures. The times you went camping, watching the children play in the garden, remembering some family jokes (everyone has them), and concentrating on these scenes. We know it's no good telling yourself it's OK to leave the ironing or whatever because just the mention of this has your brain firing up, the adrenalin pumping and your anxiety level rising.

We know if we tell ourselves not to do something that becomes our immediate goal. So tell your brain what you are going to do. Still not easy but with a better chance of success. When you find your mind wandering onto "forbidden" topics, say I am thinking about ... and return to those thoughts. After the allotted time you can return to the chores but first tell yourself that the break was justified because it allowed you to recharge your batteries.

Now it may not seem much but if you practice this daily your anxiety about work will start to decrease and you can allow yourself to get off the wheel. Plan your next holiday in your mind or going to the cinema. Anything that you find pleasant and enjoyable. After a while increase the sitting time. We both know you cannot go on forever running on that wheel. So give yourself a break, in the name of your health, and learn to slow down.

Please let me know what you think about this and we can come up with other variations.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you for your reply & suggestions. The brain is definitely on the mouse wheel. This has become self destructive because I do too much but then feel totally lost afterwards so don't get the benefit of any down time. I need to find things I enjoy which are not dependent on others. Maybe I need to set a goal to try some things which are 'non-productive' and do them several times to see if I can become more comfortable doing them with the hope that I will eventually be able to be happy doing things on my own which will rejuvenate me rather than be trapped on the treadmill

[White_Rose]

Dear Elizabeth

Yes, I understand the feeling of not knowing what to do after some 'down time'. And you are quite right about finding some other activity that you enjoy.

May I suggest that, rather looking for something which is "unproductive" you change your mindset about productive and unproductive. By this I mean when we do the washing up it is productive because the dishes are clean and put away and everything is tidy. It's also productive because we stop little crawly things feasting on the leftovers. Listening to music, for example, is often seen as unproductive because there is no tangible outcome at the end. I like to believe it is productive because it feeds my inner self, helps me relax, makes life so much more enjoyable and in general gives me joy.

If you see an activity as unproductive then I suspect you will not do it for long because you will come to believe it is a waste of time. So what do you mean by unproductive? I think it will help your search if you can in some way define or decide what you mean by this word (which is a productive exercise in its own right). (Smile)

Also, rather than simply experiment with different activities, decide what appeals to you in general terms. For example would you look for physical activities such as a sport, exercising, bush walking, gardening, DIY. Would you like something that exercises the brain such as completing a course at TAFE or university, researching your family history (which I do and love), writing your life story either for your personal record or to be published. Are you a crafty person? Do you think you would like to knit, sew, scrapbook, weave, make jewellery, paint, learn leather-work, or one of the many other craft activities. What about interactions with others such as volunteering at your local retirement home by reading to elderly people or just chatting?

Finding something that feeds the inner Elizabeth will always be productive regardless of its apparent worth or usefulness. I suspect you have a good dose of what used to be called the Protestant Work Ethic. If you are not working flat out and producing 'stuff' then you are wasting time. I think we are a little wiser and kinder to ourselves these days and recognise the value of doing that which eases the mind and brings joy.

I really hope this post is useful to you.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you for your reply Mary. I think I need to categorise things 3 ways: 1)productive or helpful in terms of providing a tangible & useful result ensuring I can care for my husband properly & my family & others. 2) Rejuvenating & enjoyable activities which allow me to feel better physically,mentally &/or emotionally without necessarily helping others directly (which is what I meant before as non-productive), 3) non-productive These are the activities that aren't useful or rejuvenating. These are the ones to avoid. The problem lies in identifying activities which are in category 2 & recognising that some activities may flip from one to another. For example lying down resting may be good if I'm really sick or tired but if done too long or at the wrong time will leave me with a headache & feeling worse.

[White_Rose]

Hello Elizabeth

Those categories are great, a different way of looking at productive and unproductive. I had the feeling that you were referring in your email to activities you have put in category 2 as non productive. And yes it's true, activities can flip from one category to another.

It seems to me that looking at cat 2 activities is what you need to help you unwind and gain some joy in what you do. These are the various suggestions I made above. Of course they are only some of the things I have come across and I expect you have many and different ideas. But I think it would be useful to look at the overall area which interests you. i.e. joining a netball team because you like watching the game is not useful if you do not like exercise (like me).

I'm pleased you are seriously looking at how you can gain the relaxation you need without counteracting it by excessive worry/guilt afterwards. It's good your husband has found an activity he enjoys and which gets him out of the house. It's great to return home, but getting out is so good for the soul (and the other person sometimes). Perhaps you can use this time indulging yourself in a warm bath, with book and coffee (or wine) within reach. Ahhhh!

I would like to follow your journey in finding "your" happy place so I hope you will continue posting.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Mary, Your previous post prompted me to use the term rejuvenating because it reminds me of the purpose of the activity whereas non-productive is negative. At this point I need to experiment to find what works & when. There are some things I definitely won't do including any  team sport either playing or watching as I have never enjoyed sport. Having a bath is on my list of things to try. It is not something I normally do but Ill skip the wine & coffee although hot chocolate might work.  Initially I'm trying to write a list of things to try which might be rejuvenating so I can pick things almost at random to try rather than trying to find the most suitable which hasn't worked.  I used to do family history

Hopefully I can eventually get to the point where I can do  'productive' activities in a way that gives me the satisfaction of doing things but without pushing myself so hard I become exhausted & crash after.  At the moment my priority is doing things which allow me to recover physically so I'm not so tired & feel better about myself.  Sorry I'm probably not making sense as I'm tired as I've been out till late at an appointment for my husband.

[Elizabeth CP]

I am currently feeling very stressed with no good reason. I normally feel more depression but currently anxiety seems to be worse. I have been very busy. My son is visiting from UK  with his wife & children 1yr & 5yrs so I was busy getting things organised for them & arranging for my other children to also see them. My husband had medical appointments 2 times this week & both took a long time. The weekend was busy as I had to get up very early to babysit on Saturday while 2 of my sons & DIL painted my in-laws house to get it ready for sale. They are in care. My  psychiatrist (I saw him Wed) talked me into trying some more ADs but I am really scared due to my history of side effects from other ADs. I don't cope well when I have too much on particularly when there is no time on my own .