Ugg its back again and this time i know the triggers yet unable to do a thing about it

Dennis38 · ‎02-03-2016

Well I have done the right thing again and it has bitten me hard this time! Been fighting this depression tooth and nail and I am still back sliding, and with this back sliding there is a HUGE amount of anger though I am not totally sure if the anger is aimed at me or at the cause of my depression sliding. You see a little over a year ago I got really stupid, my wife's nephew and his wife got kicked out of the place they were living, mostly for having to many animals and lieing about it, so after talking with the wife I told the kids (they are both 40..my age..but yet myself and wife call them the kids because that is how we see them as 4 yearolds on a good day!) that they could move in for a SHORT while, so they brought all their crap, and 4 dogs with them (so I now have 5 dogs on my properity and in my home) then we find out that the newphew's wife is end stage kidney failure, which does have some bareing on my situation, on top of them being kicked out of the place they were renting they owe the government a bit of money for defrauding the government and had a lot of other bills, which my wife and I payed most of their bills off..to date they have cost us over 45 grand easily, the nephew in law is an ungreatful SOB always whining and moaning about this or that and not even offering to do the dishes, heck they both have not even changed their bed sheets since they got here the wife and I (both of us being disabled) have to do it for them. And of course the nephew's wife has a lot of problems but yet she is not ungreatful, where as the nephew realy is ungreatful. Anyways as they do not pay ANY bills (other then one of their own storeage bills) I want to charge them rent 400 a month, that "rent" money is actually away to get them a bond saved up as the nephew spends all his money (he is on the dole and has a part time "job" on stupid little toys(expensive ones) and what not, but my wife is not wanting to listen to me on the rent issue as "they are family and no one understands the nephew like I do." Doesn't not help that my wife is going though menopause and can be a real nasty piece of work to ME, everyone else she is very happy and friendly but as soon as something goes wrong I am the one she snaps at. I love her and put up with this because its not her fault some days, yet all of this is boiling inside me the depression is sinking in deeper and worse off this ANGER has a hold of me and once again. Never do the right thing it will bite you in the end!!!

geoff · ‎02-03-2016

dear Dennis, I wish I could say it's nice to hear from you again, but after reading your post it makes me cringe, and can definitely relate to what you have said, but that's for another time.
I don't think that there could be anything you could have done to stop your depression, because to be out of pocket of $45 k is a heel of a lot of money.
It also scares me that they owe the government money due to defrauding them, which means that anything they say or do would worry me, and just because they are family makes no difference they should and need to pay that money back, but that's where the big problem begins, they will wag their tail out of it, lie in their teeth, and try and take what ever they can off you.
I had another problem where my 2 sons wanted a friend to board with us, and this was in my deepest days, but my wife would buy him anything he wanted, no matter how much, and I believe that she was going to buy him a car when he got his licence, which I was never told about, and only recently found out, however I am rather pleased that I didn't know back then, because I would have left her.
These kids need to be kicked out, no matter how much your wife reacts, because you will lose more money, some you may know of and some you won't, as they are sapping you dry.
You can put a lock on your pension so no one will be able to 'help themselves' and hide or cancel any credit cards and if you have any credit in yur house mortage, then make sure it can't be touched unless you know.
Dennis these people are no good, they know how to milk the system, they have done it with the government and have done it with you.
I really feel so sorry for you, but have a think about what I have said and then react to what you want to do. Geoff.

Music_Heals · ‎02-03-2016

Dear Dennis, even though I am quite young, I understand how you are feeling. All of my younger life, people would be staying with us because Dad was nice enough to let people stay with us. But they didn't really respect the house. It really angered me and Dad as well. What you should do is sit them down, tell them how you are feeling and hopefully it works out. I know your nephew is whiny and complains for no reason but I believe that it's his personality. So maybe since your nephew's wife is nice, maybe she could talk some sense into him and see reason. I'm sorry if this isn't good but this all the advice I can give via personal experience. Hope everything works out.

Music_Heals

Neil_1 · ‎02-03-2016

Hi Dennis

I’m starting out like Geoff, as you’re an old friend from this site, but it’s with mixed feelings that I say ‘good to hear from you’; because of the fact that you’re back again, it’s meaning that things aren’t flash for you. And that is absolutely the case here.

I remember towards the last time you were posting, that these ‘hangers on’ had just moved in and you were circumspect about it then … and it seems you were 100% right about it, with all that they’ve managed to have happen.

It must be a very tricky situation, but if there’s any way you can do it, it must be now time to give them some notice, so they can get all their stuff and their 4 dogs and leave. Time for them to find somewhere new for them to move to.

Your life is being dominated by them at the moment and I believe that you’re not living in a very good environment … and let’s face it, this is your home, which should be your sanctuary.

I wonder if your wife is of the same opinion? That it is now well and truly time to get these two out of your life, so you can get back to your own issues, and not have to be worried, concerned and stressed by the attitudes and performances of others.

I hope I haven’t been too over the top with this post.

Cheers

Neil

Dennis38 · ‎02-03-2016

Geoff I would so love to kick them out of the house but my conscience can not and will not allow me to kick a dieing woman out of the house, after all with 4 dogs and their track record, not to mention they actualy physically have to stay around North Shore hospital due to her needing a new kidney (she litteraly has to be ready at a moment's notice) there is no where close that they can afford to rent, heck I am not even sure how anyone around here affords the rent its insane, thankfully we own our home out right. This anger is what has me scared I have it supressed and under control but for how long? I wont do any one any physical harm but I am more afraid of popping off at my wife who pushes my buttons when her menopause is really flairing. I love her but some days she just either can not or will not control her mouth and she says some really ugly things then when I blow up (I am human after all) I am the first class heel for losing it and yelling at her.

But the longer these two are in my house the more stress I feel. Here is basicly the nephew's day. Sleeps until around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, goes to the bathroom then sits his big ass on MY couch for the rest of the day he even whines at his wife to get him food or a drink. and I have seen him throw some major hissy fits if she doesn't. when he does get up its to go to work for about 4 hours as a delivery driver, and to be honest I do not think he does much there either. Comes home stays up until 1 or 3 in the morning then goes to bed.

And of course if heaven for bid I wake him up with my leather working (trying to get my business up and running is even harder now thanks to the amount o fmoney AND space we have lost to these two) he throws an even bigger hissy fit which to be honest that doesn't mind me as it's my way of getting back a little, childish I know and it makes me mad at myself for doing it as well!

It's just one of those times in life that I litteraly have no control and very little back up, and I think I am being a little childish of late as my wife seems to worry more about the "kids" than me and if they ask for something even if she is suppose to be helping me or we are watching something she gets up and helps them expecting me to be ok with it. I do not mind if the nephew's wife sleeps all day (expect when she has to do her dialysis bags) that stuff takes a lot out of you but I do have issues with her as well. Just trapped I guess which is NOT helping!

Dennis38 · ‎02-03-2016

Hello Neil it is good to see both you and Geoff again, you both have helped me and others in the past, but unfortinatlly the wife like me is of two minds. First this is HER family and of course I just do not understand my nephew or the things they are going though, but she also wants them the heck out of here as well but I am still not sure why she is dragging her feet into charging them rent. You see my idea is rather simple and filled with common sense and she screams and yells at me any time I mention it.

The "plan" is to charge them 400 bucks a month in rent (right now they pay nothing eat our food watch our tv use our net and so forth) That "rent" money goes into a bank account that they will not know about. I figure at the end of 6 months they would have 2,400 dollars saved up for a bond. Or for emergencies, the nephew spends money like it is going out of style and doesn't help out any where. His wife with her kidney failure and being stuck here (she wants a place of her own as well) has her own depression (which I am trying to help her with that but honestly she is just at the stage of not wanting nor caring about her self which is a dangerous stage as we all know). To me that is common sense but for her oh hell no not going to happen. And to be honest I do not want to say I feel our marrage is rocky as per say but again I do not know if I am being childish and just want my way or if my way is wrong, (personally I do not think it is) so this is causing me stress and it makes her upset and angery and yelling at me any time I bring it up so it is honestly getting to the point where I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say fine, we do everything your way and maybe just maybe I will go on a long walk about or something, which of course these feelings make me more ticked off at the kids, the wife's menopause, and at myself then I start thinking that I am being an ass..and ugg well lets just say I am tailspinning not too hard but still going down slowly.

Dennis38 · ‎02-03-2016

Thanks for the advice Music Heals but unfortinatlly the wife is of no use to be honest he will not listen to her in any shape or form. I did try to sit them down and have a conversation with them once, I was proud of myself kept my calm talked as an adult no screaming, crying or boo hooing other then from my wife (her menopause had a hold of her like crazy that day) and yet they shut me out, it was literally talking to a brick wall, what I had to say didn't even enter into one ear let alone go out the other. I have tried a couple of different times and its basicly trying to convince a toddler that they need green veggies and a nap at the same time...it isn't a conversation you will win!!!

Neil_1 · ‎02-03-2016

Hi Dennis

Oh man, I feel your pain and this is one hell of an awkward situation.

The plan you have for the $400/month sounds a really good and positive one … but it hasn’t got the green light yet, has it? Is it because of the cost? I mean, surely they understand the ways of things and that “Ok, we’re living somewhere with rellies, that has food, has close access to the facilities we need, houses our dogs, we’re being looked after, etc etc”; so wouldn’t they think, “Ok, we should be paying some kind of rent here?”

I hear your wife would like them out as well, but after you’ve explained it, it does make it downright difficult to move them on at this current time – so, is your wife amenable to obtaining rent from them? If so, has this been broached before … ie: if your wife has a bit more pull over them than you, maybe if she were to raise the topic of rent? Maybe even just to get it happening, perhaps offer it to be $300?

Your option also for going out for a walk is a good one as well … when in the moment, things could become a bit hairy, to take some time out at those times, could be an excellent way for you to let the steam settle from the ears. I know you also used to use the old cushion/pillow or mattress theory whereby they can become good ‘punching bags’. Are you still exercising this option?

One last comment at this time is for the sheer hide of this nephew to get angry and upset with you if you “accidentally” wake him up … hello, it IS your place, hello, you are doing them both a massive favour; to be honest, with how you’ve done so far, it’s an amazing job that you’re doing, from all that you’ve written.

I guess I’m not being of any help here Dennis, but I hope that just by you writing things down, it has helped to vent and unload a bit. You know you can keep on doing this as well.

Neil

Dennis38 · ‎02-03-2016

Unfortinatly Neil the wife is dead set against charging them rent, any time I bring it up she gets mad at me like I am asking her to lop off their heads or something...and yes still punching the wall with a pillow on it, better then me putting a hole in the wall or breaking my hand I guess. And yes writing has helped me a little but it also just makes me madder as well, kind of a nasty cycle I find myself in and not really sure how to deal with it. I am an old hand at handling my depression now, but this anger scares me as it adds fuel to the tail spin!!!

geoff · ‎03-03-2016

dear Dennis, a lot of what my friend Neil has said I agree with, but this current situation is that you are locked up in the cupboard, have no say, can't do anything and you can yell on top of a mountain, but still nobody is going to hear you, because you're tided up in a straight jacket and gagged.
I do understand that she has kidney trouble and I'm very sorry for this, and I haven't had to go through menopause with my wife, because we were divorced, but I do believe that it can be terrible ladies, however all of this clouding the situation, but what I have picked up is that 'your marriage could be rocky', but nobody wants to even think about the consequences, especially men who hate any change, because this is done by the female of the house, well was in my household.
I am only saying this because some different decisions could be made by youself, which would leave you to live alone, I know it's very difficult to even think about them, let them alone make them.
Can I just ask you whether she has lost weight, tired feeling sick etc.
I only ask this because of what these kids have done over the past, and I'm probably being mean here, but their credit record has been very unstable. Geoff.