trying to be positive

[hcrumb]

hi all. after just over 12 months, i am no closer to happiness. in a nutshell,  i am 47 years old, separated with a 3 yo child, and no regular income. i am in financial difficulty, trying to pay a mortgage and keep a stable home for my son who i have every weekend. i can not put closure on my separation, as my wife can give me no reason for leaving except that she was unhappy. i gave her space, as i believe she was suffering from post natal depression ( she also has been diagnosed with bipolar). she started to go out with girlfriends on weekends and i stayed home to take care of my son. we both could not afford to go out, as my son did not sleep through the night until he was 2. she would then sleep all day after late nights. nights out became more regular, and with groups of old ravers. leading into old habits. she went overseas for 2 weeks to a rave festival in belgium whilst i took time off to care for my son. when she came back, i overheard a conversation she had with a friend that she was planning to leave. in the end, she continued to party with groups of people and told me she wished i was more like some of these people, especially one bloke. she confessed to taking drugs consistently and wanting an open relationship. this led me to depression, medication and a regular physcologist visit. i said to her that she needed to make a choice, and she left the next day. i continually question myself, and of late have quizzed her for answers. all i get is that she is finding herself and the error of her ways through a fellowship group. i am lost, overwhelmed and riding the roller coaster of depression. i need closure, but can not get it. the hardest part is that i still love her, but have chosen not to take her back as financial settlement has been finalised and i could not go through this again. i am in a very lonely place even though i have support of a few close friends and family, who i am slowly pulling away from. i know that i can only find the answer to happiness and a more positive outlook, but i am just looking for an outlet. hopefully this is it.

[Bluey_moon]

Hi hcrumb, 

welcome to BB. 

It sounds like you have had a very rough time, and I'm so sorry for that! 

You sound like you have made some really smart decisions in regards to seeing a psycologist ! Have you talked to them about all of this? What were their suggestions  

You also sound like a wonderful caring Dad! 

im sorry I don't have much advice to give but I am a good listener! 

[white knight]

Hi hcrumb, welcome

Well, I think you are doing extremely well. In this case you haven't chose your present predicament...its all seemingly the dictation of your wife and the lifestyle she chooses.

And I don't blame you for not wanting to revisit the previous financial situation and risk it all recurring. And likely it would.

Some people like yourself don't have the inner confidence to see the logic...in your case you fell into depression yet you weren't at fault. I mean some people could do no wrong at all yet they seek to blame themselves. You are not alone. I wont go on too much about my own first marriage but it lasted 11 years. I worked 3 jobs so she could remain as the "homemaker"...the old fashioned country lifestyle. Then as she was really lazy I took it upon myself to wash clothes, cook and change nappies 5 times more often than her. In the end I broke down. But still blamed myself.

Guilt can be your enemy. It does have positives, it can cause you to be a better parent for example if you know you haven't been one for a while and so on. Guilt keeps us on our toes. Guilt however can erode our confidence. It can preoccupy us and our thoughts can multiply.

There is no magic potion for this to remedy it. I can suggest you consider that your situation was unavoidable on your part. That your child is now your priority ahead of yourself and your ex wife. But you also deserve a life of happiness, stability and warmth.

I often think that love can only be replaced with love. If you find a woman of interest and start dating and enjoying each others company...it wont be long before your focus will change. I know this, it happened 3 times to me. All were long term relationships.

Her medical conditions are her responsibility not yours. Rarely can they be considered an "excuse" for behaviour. They have to own their decisions for their desired lifestyle. Partners cant take any responsibility for erratic behaviour. It's unfortunate but its is the way it is.

Good luck and by all means keep posting if you want to. Others might chip in with their views. We don't mind disagreeing here. It is healthy to get others ideas.

Tony WK

[Starwolf]

Hello Hcrumb,

I agree with White Knight, you have made a lot of great decisions. However, cleaning the decks can leave us with a feeling of emptiness until the empty space fills again with new furnishings.

You have been through a lot. No wonder you are suffering from battle fatigue...

As I often point out, guilt is one of the worst forms of self-harm. Like the rest of us, you have done the best you could at the time. We can only respond to a given situation according to the resources (material, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) available to us at the time. That's just the way it is, although we wrongly perceive it as shortcomings. Our past experiences, genes, education and general life situation don't necessarily equip us to deal adequately with whatever comes our way. Besides, all personal resources are often useless when pitched against another person's inner turmoil. There's nothing anyone can do if this person doesn't want to acknowledge that there is a problem requiring her/his attention.

If we feel that we are falling short in the coping mechanism department (and we all do at times), all we can do is work on slowly building it up...at our own pace. This is not possible while our resources are constantly being depleted by renewed struggles. We need to give our self a break to recoup forces.

You write that you asked answers from your wife but reading  your post, it seems she had none to give regarding her own issues. Hopefully, these will come to her in the course of her personal journey.

Meanwhile, you are bruised and battered, confused and exhausted. But you have taken the first necessary step to move on. You understand that the past has no future. It has left you where you are.  Although it doesn't feel like a good place to be right now, I can sense your inner strength. It may feel seriously depleted but with time and the attention you deserve, things will slowly improve, one step at a time.

Having a young child to look after is a great motivator but you will need help. Joining these forums is a good start, so well done.  Here you are safe. You are not alone and your contribution is valued.

I wish you all the best.