Trying so hard but so broken

[Speechless]

Around 6 months ago I wrote here in a very, very distressed state. I had no real support otherwise in real time.

Its hard to write about myself as i have alot of shame and almost non- existent self esteem esp atm.

Im 41, female who has never really left home and had traumas at a young adult age with little support other than home alone with my animals and the very nice environment we were living in.

5 acres around farmland just outside our costal tourist town.

I had my big chicken house that looked like a giant cubby.

I had the pleasure of having ducks, a turkey, chickens and lots of roosters, two sheep, and more.

On complete rain water and out away from pollution in the fresh air, quiet away from any cars, very secluded and with a very nice view.

Id lived there with my parents for 26 years, since i was 14.

I have social phobia/ GAD and complex parents -mum with hearing disabilities and who can be very dominant and quiet and dictating at times.

Ive always tried to help myself and at times been on a roll, but i’ve always had my environment to be my calm go-to, part of my spirituality and support for myself, my foundation, my calmness and basically a romance with the place.

Nearly 6 months ago, dad declared we were moving asap because he wanted to invest money for my sister to get a house.

It was a complete shock and distress.

It was out of the blue with no warning and with no emotional care at all. 

2-3 months asap in dead winter to find a house to buy and live by selling my everything place. 

It was irrational and made a prolonged distress for me having to be yelled at for being upset and having to be just me and dad moving everything.

I told him i was feeling suicidal and he threw stuff at my face. It was stressful times but I was incredibly mentally unwell in a very bad way, continuing to push myself for everyone with no support.

By the time we moved and i had my own time to myself, I severely broke down. I couldnt sleep, I was in severe shock and emotional distress and on my iwn with it, my mum didnt want to know. I had to ring the hospital for some support at some point.

My days for months was pushing myself if i had to drive my parents anywhere and taking my dog for a walk, and then in bed so distraught and crying in so much emotional pain it hurt so much.

Its now nearly 6 months later and ive come a long way from where i was emotionally, ive settled in more. I see a psychologist and counselling. I push myself everyday.

I get creative with clay and gardening. 

Try to improve the house.

But at the end of the day, im still so upset i dont have my sanctuary, half my animals, were in a built up urban area, i hate the backyard and the dark house,

I feel so hopeless- the things i loved are all gone, and altho i practice radical acceptance and try to improve things- i still hate it.

I love country valleys, fresh air, gumtrees bushland, away from urban, i love a sunny north facing house and farm animals.

I wash myself with a bucket of rainwater boiled rather than use the horrible tap water that gives me rashes, i go outside for a drive and walk the dog to be in the sun, i plant a garden to try and improve the backyard which is slabs of concrete and a hills hoist. 

But at least there room for my chooks.

What weve gone from to here because of dads irrational choices is hard to swallow. Our lifestyle has changed.

My health has gone downhill mentally and physically.

I know in my bones what i need and want in life. My sanctuary was my everything. 

Now when i go out, im severely depressed and severely lacking in self esteem and have somewhat self neglect. And esp at home.

Its an added depression ontop of the depression i had b4 the move. 

I feel like ive lost my compass, ive lost my value and who i am since weve moved and i feel hopeless in ever being able to get what i want in life which is a sanctuary of my own.

I feel heartbroken and not home here. I hate living urban so much, but i push myself everyday, but i know its just not me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Speechless,  

We’re so sorry to hear you’re going through it right now.  It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and that moving has really taken its toll we can imagine how hard that would be to deal with. You've done an amazing job over the last 6 months as we know this change was distressing, it can be difficult when we feel like we don't have that safe place but it sounds like you've done the best you can in trying to make your new surroudings work.

We can hear you've gone through trauma in the past and we wanted you to know that you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEST). Their counsellors work with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.  

You can also talk to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors about this at any time on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat.   

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story, please be kind to yourself during this time.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M