Trying but feeling hopeless

[Guest_39545332]

I was an adopted child, found out at 19 not the child they wanted. 

My mother had miscarriages and took her frustration out on me... dad well there are some memories left unsaid. Straight A student, belted for a B. Pentecostal parents fundamentalists, spurned when I cam out at 19 (58 now). Have struggled all my life but held great jobs, alcoholic now (shhh) . Have been in a relationship for 30 years, harrassed, hit, knocked around. was in a relathionship previous with the same for 7 years..... I live in my bedroom with a fabulous home, i work every day and keep going but I am dead inside.

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Forum. I think you will find it interesting and helpful. I already know you are the sort of person that goes out of their way to help others - as you have done for Guest_93711820 who is facing doing a most difficult job alone where in fact it requires two.

This place is built on each of us doing what we can for others - so thank you.

I was formally disinherited by my parents at roughly the age you were spurned - for going against thier beliefs and wishes.  The worst part was realizing that by doing that they demonstrated that they did not love me, -and never had, something that was pretty heart-breaking.

Not only were your small minded and ridged totally misguided  parents, adopted or otherwise, unable to accept a person being gay, but also were savage in trying to enforce you to live to their standards - no matter how unreasonable - when you attained a B. with violence and cruelty.

Parents have a huge influence on thier offspring and they consistently abused you, and from what you say about your marriages, left you without an example of a loving relationship and left you unable to live by what YOU needed and wanted.

Boht of your partnerships sound very abusive too and have left you living in bedroom and work. That is no way to live, though the road out of it is admittedly hard.

Apart from being a caring person you also have significant ability, hence your success in a very difficult industry and the wisdom gleaned in a difficult life.

You may feel dead inside at the moment, and I'm not in the least surprised as the real you has not had a chance to blossom. Can I suggest you visit the Blue Knot Foundation, who assist people who have had trauma/abuse in their lives. While the opening pages may lead you to think they are primarily concerned with redress that is not the case, they are simply there to help people like you and me who have been abused (no, it does not have to be sexual) in earlier life

I'd also suggest contacting 1800RESPECT, who deal wiht abusive relationships that are happening now.  Even after 30 years there has to be a way to get you out of just one room -plus work - and let you live the life you really deserve. They can advise options you may like to consider.

You may be surprised that I am emphasizing abuse, and two organizations that have expertise in that area. I am hoping by doing so they can revitalize your happiness and fulfillment in the world, getting rid of that terrible emptiness.

I am now in a good place and have a life I would not give up for anything , and I wish the same for you.

May I ask if you have nayone, a family member or friend perhaps, to be on your side, listen and understand you and give support just by caring? Facing your circumstances alone is very hard.

You know you can always come here, we will listen and assist as best we can - you deserve that and more

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest,

I'm really sorry to hear of the tough things you've endured and continue to endure. I often feel and see that early life trauma leads to patterns of striving hard in adulthood but also often finding oneself in other abusive situations. The fact you have held great jobs shows the ability, resourcefulness and resilience you have. It's good you are reaching out and expressing yourself about what's happening. Have you ever sought any outside help, such as from a psychologist or counsellor?

I'm probably telling you what you are already aware of, but you can call 1800RESPECT for advice when dealing with an abusive relationship. It's no good at all if you are experiencing those things. Another potential source of support is The Blue Knot Foundation - 1300 657 380. They deal specifically with complex trauma from childhood and your description matches that. I have called them a number of times and they are focussed on safety and stabilisation, for those times where you feel either trauma-activated or really low (or like you say, dead inside).

What I have really learned is that reaching out to the right people can really help. It sometimes takes time to find the right people (e.g. the right therapist who is a good fit), but the only way I've begun to heal myself is through that compassion and co-regulation with another human who is attuned and present and gets trauma. For many years I was stuck in situations that weren't good for me. I'm 50 now and only recently fully understanding my whole life. But as this is happening real healing is happening. So I wish for you that you can find some good support and know that it is possible to change trajectory.

Take good care and we are listening if you want to chat more.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray