Today

[HeyOk]

Today is day 3 of no sleep, I called in sick at work for the third time this week. I spent 5 hours listening to bob dylan songs writing parts from his lyrics over & over, the parts that made me feel like someone understood. Today I feel a manic side of depression. I kept thinking of quitting my job. Of moving towns. Of change. But it doesn't matter really. The black dog chases you down no matter where you are. Does anyone feel like depression makes you watch your life waste away. You stay indoors. Stay quiet. Hope for a nice moment?

[Sawyer]

Hi, would you like someone to talk to about how you are feeling?

I understand that manic side of depression well. When thoughts race through your mind, or problems rather. You can just be overwhelmed and unable to do anything.

You've done the right thing by coming and talking to someone about. What's going on in your life that is making you want to run away from it all? or is it because you hope to outrun these feelings by changing your environment?

You are not alone. I felt very much like this for a long time. I'd struggle to get out of bed, in fact the only reason I did was so that I didn't have to answer any questions about why I was feeling like this. I wanted to be invisible and it felt like the panic, the depression, the memories, would never go away.

How you are feeling does matter, and what you do from this point does matter. Believe me. You've started in the right direction by coming here, but the steps you take from this point definitely do matter, if you want to get that "black dog" off your tail, there are ways to do it. Many people have conquered depression, and you can too.

Lets start at the beginning.

What's keeping you up at night?

Sawyer

[HeyOk]

Nothing I can explain, the things that keep me awake or keep me sick are nothing that seem to make sense. I often think about my mask. My mask is the face I wear at work or outside my house. Its the smile, the calm expression. I think about how if I have to keep wearing this mask I'm going to crack. I get up in the morning sweating. I cant get in the car without being sick & feeling hot & cold. As I drive I repeat the words 'it's going to be fine'. I put my mask on & will the hours away until I can be home. Its never been this bad. 

[Sawyer]

So thinking about having to go back to work, out into the world where you feel you have to wear a mask and pretend you are okay? is this correct?

Is there something about work that makes you want to stay home? or is it mainly the depression you feel? that makes you not want to go outside, and you are just sick of pretending that you are fine for other people? I know that the expectation that we have to present ourselves as constantly happy for other people can be exhausting, particularly when we are already emotionally and physically exhausted.

Where is it that you think this sadness spurs from? if you had to identify just one trigger.

Sawyer