Tired of depression

[Mic3]

Hi, I am so not used to write about my problems or talk about it. I was brought up that way. You don't really talk about yourself and you are definitely not a burden to anyone so I am sorry if my writing is a little confusing. People see me as a very strong person that never needs help but the truth is that I am so unhappy and have this rage of hopeless inside me. 

I think I have had depression most of my life but now when life is a lot more busier with small kids it appears a lot more. I love and adore my kids and I have a wonderful husband that would do anything for me. But..... Here is my thing... I have fibromyalgia (chronic fatigue, pain)  depression and I also have a sugar addiction which no one takes really serious. Hey even I find it weird sometimes but it's real. All three of them come together. Sugar makes me very bad and my pains become worse. When my pain is bad, my depression becomes really bad. It's like a black circle that I can't get out of. 

I have worked really hard the last years to get my body on track and I think I have my pain and other things on track but it's the depression and the sugar addiction that is really hard to take on. I have been to therapists but they don't really take me seriously..Let me explain. I know my problem and I am asking and answering myself when I am at a therapist. The ones I have been to always says. "You know what to do and you are strong". I am a little tired of hearing that because I do feel hopeless many times and my head is just black with uninvited "guests", as I call them, talking bad things. Really bad thoughts about myself. I cry a lot and I am trying to talk to my husband about it but it's not always easy to really tell what you feel. 

I have been through a lot in my life and when I feel good I feel like a survivor and I'm strong. But when I'm in my black cloud I feel very weak and just want to disappear. Feels like my family would be better without me. I know it's my brain and the uninvited guests talking and not my heart but it's really tiring and difficult to feel all this while trying to keep up work, house, kids and life in general. 

For me all this is really real. I do keep going but I have become very good in keeping up appearance. People do not see it on me. Even my husband don't see it many times until I have a panic attack or I am just crying. 

I hope that I make a little sense. For me.. I just need to talk about it sometimes, to get the screaming voices in my head out. 

Thank you

[white knight]

Hi Mic3.  Welcome to BB forum.

I read your account of your symptoms and urge you to take it further to your GP. It seems a complex set of issues and unfamiliar ones at that.

When we fall ill with mental illness we often dont see it as mental illness. We usually see these symptoms as not well, need my sugar fix, headaches, moods and the like. Yet all alone we were ill.

Discussing this with your GP wont hurt and will give you peace of mind.

Good luck.

[Snoman]

Hi Mic3,

I know all too well about those uninvited guests. When it all came to a head, my wife confronted me and asked point blank if I had depression. I showed her some articles I had found describing the experience. Her experience with anxiety helped her to be somewhat understanding. She read more about it which helped her even more. Perhaps it would help if you could get your husband to read about it too.

Like white night says, please make an appointment to see a GP who at least has an interest in mental health.

Keep us posted.

Sno

[Mic3]

Hi White Knight, Thanks for your quick response. 

Trust me I have been to GP and other professionals. Unfortunaly this didn't result in much improvments. 

I was just hoping from this forum to find some support and to see how others are dealing with their depression. Isn't that why people share their stories? 

Kind regards

[AGrace]

Hi Mic3,

Welcome to the forums. You are right, most of us come here to share our experiences, some of us feel compelled to offer advice because of our experiences, and some just come here to read others' posts to pick out information that may be useful.

It's highly likely that you are suffering from depression, however given some of your symptoms I question whether it may be something else. Having said this, your goal here was to hear how others feel and cope. 

I have sugar cravings, they're quite severe, it's not unusual for me to be eating chocolate at 11pm. Originally it was as a result of fatigue. My body was telling me that I needed more energy and I guess the quickest source is sugar. Since then the medications that I've been taking have made this worse. Are you taking medication at the moment? 

You mentioned that in the past therapists have told you that you know what to do, what do you think they meant by this? I guess for me at an intellectual level, I know I need to stop eating chocolate. It can be as difficult as any other addiction. What I do have is a long term goal to stop eating chocolate. But I've got little goals to get me there. Things like only rsetricting intake to 1 square of chocolate at a time, Only before 4pm, every second day, only on weekends etc. 

It would also be interesting to find out why you are turning to sugar?

It's common for people to feel like they need to put up a facade, What would it look like if you took off the mask of feeling fine and admitted to yourself and others that you are facing some challenges at the moment? It might take off some of the pressure if you feel you can be yourself.

In terms of depression there are no quick fixes, and different people find different things work for them. I've always thought that having as much information as I can get is helpful and then picking what works best for me. Firstly patience needs to be your best friend. Some of the things I've found useful are: Having a self soothing kit, mindfulness, meditation, affirmations, mental imagery, engaging in tasks despite how I feel, talking openly, getting rest a healthy diet and regular exercise. Most of these things you can google, let me know if you want any more information on them.

It could be worthwhile trying another who specialises in mental health BB have a list available on their website. I don't think it's fair to you to deny yourself any attempt at getting well just because of prior experiences.

AGrace

[Snoman]

Mic3,

I don't know much about sugar addiction. I have noticed my eating habits have deteriorated with depression - I am eating comfort food with high sugar and fat content 'just because' which is uncharacteristic of me.

My psychologist is also an ACT practitioner. Acceptance, Commitment Therapy (ACT) is based on mindfulness and aligns with my pre-existing mental philosophies. I went there mainly due to my wife's counsellor friends all recommending ACT.

I can't say whether ACT is the way to go for you, but it was perfect for me.

My favourite and most helpful technique he showed me was to stop 3 to 4 times per day and think about the feelings and emotions are are currently experiencing (close your eyes if it helps). Notice where in your body those feelings are sitting. I tended to feel them in my chest, arms, face, jaw, even ears.

Mentally draw around the area in your body to define exactly where it is and is not. The point of this part of the exercise is to observe that you are not your emotions. Instead you are just experiencing them.

Breathe about 3-4 breaths 'into' the area that is experiencing the feeling. This is to give the feeling room to expand (sounds weird but it works).

You are not trying to dispel the feeling. Just acknowledging that it exists, and that it is ok to be there. It is not you.

I also kept a log of the feelings and locations. Interesting to see how they evolved, and amazed the first time I wrote down happy (would you believe the location was mouth!).

Later on we went through the chatter of the uninvited guests... for a later post if you are interested. I'm not trying to be an ACT practitioner here, but just wanting to give a taste.

Sno

[Mic3]

Hi AGrace! 

Thanks for your response! It helps to read that others have the same thing. Not that I would wish anyone what I'm feeling but still.

I am not on any medications at the moment as I have a very sensitive body and when I was on medications I felt even worse. Now I have a naturopath/doctor helping me with the fatigue and other issues. She is really good and has helped me a lot. She always checks everything and is always asking me for changes. I like to go the natural way. Of course if it gets really bad i will consider going back for medications and we keep that in mind. 

I know that my sugar addiction is a follow up on the fatigue. When I feel bad then those are the thoughts that follow. Need that sugar fix! I find it really hard to go cold turkey so i might try your approach.  

I am letting go of my facade bit by bit but it's really hard when you have kept it up for so long. Who to trust and I find it scary to open up. I know that I have to. It's just that where I'm from we don't talk about our problems but know inside that you have to. Like when I talk to my husband and also have a cry I feel better. I have always said that acceptance of how you are and that it's OK is the hardest part.  

I have accepted many things about myself but I think my depression is the hardest thing to accept. I keep telling my self that I might have this every winter and it's OK but since I have small children it's hard to take time for yourself. I try. My kids know that I am not well and they don't know anything else so they find it normal. But they are very happy kids so that's great to see. 

I have many allergies so to take care of my diet is a must. Exercise in the morning before kids jump out of bed. Walking and yoga is two things I love to do. 

Mic3

[Mic3]

Hi Snoman, 

Thanks for your reply. It's amazing how strong sugar can be. I also know that my sugar craving come hand in hand with how I'm feeling. 

The ACT approach sounds really interesting. It's probably good to think about how you are feeling before you run to the store and stock up on sugar. 

I will definitely keep that in mind. I am willing to try different things to see what helps for me. 

Mic3

[geoff]

dear Mic, 'I was just hoping from this forum to find some support and to see how others are dealing with their depression', well how many times do people when they feel down always want chocolate, countless times, and how many times do they then regret how much they have eaten, all the time, and then worry about their weight.

It's called having a 'fix', so yours is chocolate and mine was alcohol, and both go hand in hand with depression, and back in depression I couldn't stop drinking it because it was my way to to find comfort, so the same applies with you, so you have to try and get rid of your depression and then 'when I feel good I feel like a survivor and I'm strong'.

We can go from psych to psych until we find one that we can relate to, no different than taking medication, it's no text book, and if it does happen first time well you are lucky, but not so for you, so you want to give up, but there are plenty of different psych's who have different ways of treating people.

You were brought up by not talking or relating on how you feel, so your first lesson is to take off your mask, we all wore it, and we couldn't get any help ourselves until we also took it off, and perhaps start the medication again, as there are so many different types these days. L Geoff. x