Hi Everyone, I have posted here a number of times but have never really introduced myself.
I’m Suz and my story began when my mother committed suicide when I was five years old leaving me with a man who hated me, supposedly my father but maybe not.
I remember back to one year old and know my mother knew that my father hated me. So how could she have left me in his care knowing how much he hated me?
Having attempted suicide twice in my life; the last should have worked (I thank God now that the medics were able to save me although I was very upset at the time that I woke up to find I was still here)... so I know the mindset that comes with suicide. And that my mother would have thought her children would be better off without her as is apparent in her suicide note that I have from the inquest papers I have.
My father took it out on me through physical and emotional abuse because he didn’t believe I was his child. The guilt was placed on me, whether intentional or not for my mother’s suicide and from that time onwards was a childhood of being beaten severely pretty much every day.
The bruises heal, but the emotional taunting and put-downs stayed with me. That I was disgusting, just a ‘slut like my mother was’, I am worthless, lazy, a trouble-maker, and ‘No man will ever love you! They will just want to use you up because you are nothing!’
My parents came to Australia in the 50’s escaping communism in Former Yugoslavia. They lived as children through World War II through horrendous experiences that breaks my heart.
Ultimately, we all just do the best we can with what we have. Our stepmother was deranged and dangerous and capable of the very worst. We, or at least I, often feared for my life. She was seriously mentally ill without ever being diagnosed and very cruel.
There is much that I could say, but it would take too long. Basically, I left home at 15yo, was in some dangerous and potentially homeless situations for a number of years. Was an absolute mess and basket-case. I was pregnant to my partner of the time at 19yo.
My beautiful daughter was born in 1981 and I promised her the world! All the things I longed for – the whole white picket fence scenario.
But I couldn’t deliver. I was so unstable and I was a single mum from the time she was five weeks old (mutual) with no support from family or anyone. There are many good things in raising my daughter. She was my whole world and I had her back.
But I was agoraphobic by this time and a mess with depression/anxiety. It was very hard for her but I always supported her and none of our family had anything much to do with us – thanks in particular to one manipulative sister.
Her dad always had open visitation rights and was never pressured to pay more maintenance than he wanted to – I just wanted my daughter to know her father had her back. And, in his own way, he did have her back.
I resorted to fundamental religions to try and find a sense of worth which only served to exacerbate my sense of worthlessness and that I deserved punishment – even burning in hell for all eternity.
My daughter was raised in that crap and I don’t blame her for hating me. When she met her husband, he did everything to make sure we were estranged. Long story. Too long to go into.
I resorted to alcohol from 2001 and was seriously suicidal for every day of at least five years (lastsuicide attempt was four years ago). The first thing I woke up planning every morning, the last thing I went to bed with.
The fact my mother did it to us, was a preventative. I know what it is like to pay the price.
But when I lost my daughter, there was no reason to keep fighting. How wrong I was!!
Resorting to alcohol resulted in my daughter wanting nothing to do with me and not allowing me contact with my grandson. I don’t blame her. I understand fully and take responsibility.
I moved state four years and a half years ago and am finding myself for the first time in my life – since learning to value my life through an epiphany after attempting suicide . For the first time in my life I feel like ‘I belong’. I have made some great friends. I still feel terribly lonely at times and worthless. But it is three steps forward two steps back.
So bit by bit, there is every reason to hope! My Christmas will be with a friend and I look forward to that. I am doing lots of Christmas get-togethers with other friends before they go away.
Mostly, Christmas and New Year will be spent house-sitting out-of-town for a friend going overseas – looking after their dogs and chooks and ducks and geese! Priceless!!! Well, that’s a little bit about me.
Take care everyone – lots of best wishes – Suz xx
