This is my life

[JessMo]

Weekdays, I get up and make myself just presentable enough to drive my daughter to school, then drive home and close the front door on the world. Unless I have to get groceries or petrol, I don’t go out. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t have any friends and barely talk to family members. If I am asked how I’m doing, I’ll deflect until that line of questioning goes away. My parents (who are the main cause of my issues) do ask how I am but I don’t trust them to let them in my head. They’ve mellowed a bit over the years but I don’t see them as emotionally healthy. I feel detached from everything, even from people on forums like this who have similar symptoms/experiences to me. So I ignore everything and live in a very small world. And I feel as much relief as discomfort in living like this. I’m 40 and I don’t work so am to an extent, having to rely on someone else to financially cover what I can’t. I hate this and they aren’t thrilled about it either. This is a family member who has similar emotional problems to me but is able to work. I feel shame and guilt at having to rely on someone like this. Im a good mum with a great relationship with my daughter, by being far more aware of her needs and emotions and wanting her to be happy. She is the only reason I’m still here. I want more out of life than this but I don’t know where to even begin. The numbness and isolation is what I’m used to, is my ‘safe’ place but I know it’s no way to live. So how do I even begin to move forward?

[Antelope9]

I sometimes feel like my parents are the source of my problems too.
This week I got pretty angry at them for the ‘life’ that I have today.

In my opinion they caused my problems and yet they are all I have to depend on right now.

I detach from most things too. A survival skill maybe? A crisis team directed me here for some sort of relief, I suppose?

Unlike you, I don’t have any kids. Although I do like to shut the door on the world.
With such different circumstances, How could I possibly relate.

I still related a lot. And I felt just a little comfort in knowing there is someone who is existing with what seems like to me, not much knowing how exactly to move forward.

So thank you.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi JessMo,

Welcome to the forums and, by simply reaching out here, you are talking to people! I hope this proves helpful even just to express yourself freely and without judgment...

Family are always tricky to talk to; there's so much history that interferes with 'natural' conversation - it's no wonder we can become guarded or apprehensive (on all sides). If you can view your parents (with all their faults) as needing your support, you may find them having less impact on you (i,e that power in the past could be diminished - as you alluded to "over time").

Please don't consider yourself as 'not working'; you raise your daughter and give her much attention - that sounds like work to me, and the relationship you have with your daughter testifies that you are doing it well.

Although financially dependent on a family member, you can still contribute in any way you can to show you appreciate the assistance (small gifts, friendly words of support and encouragement, special treats). One day you may find the roles reversed and you can provide reciprocal help where possible.

My last point - I used to find it hard to talk to people (especially strangers) as I would be more worried about how they would see me or saying something silly. I found it helpful to first find something that caught my attention (a pretty dog, funny observation, chance to lend a hand) where I could focus on the response of the recipient - showing an interest in others is the first step to having good conversations. After a while, it becomes quite natural and, as these are strangers, there is no 'history' to get in the way.

Hope this gets you started.

Regards,

t.

[kleo78]

Hi Jess,

I don't have any ways to help unfortunately but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have a similar existence, I don't have kids but have been basically hiding in my house the last few months. I work from home due to COVID so I just go from my bedroom to my spare room every day, not really talking to anyone but my husband when he comes home from work. I feel numb and dissociated from people, and am trying to find something to help me get out of this.

K

[Sophie_M]

Hi kleo78 and JessMo,

We're so sorry to hear that you're both struggling with the restrictions at the moment. We empathise with how difficult the pandemic environment has been been for many. Please know that our community is here to support you and we will get through this.  If you feel it might be useful, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. This is inclusive of 24/7 counselling.

We hope that you both find some comfort in relating to each other and the community here.