There's no fixing this.

[Grunt]

Hi All,

It was about six months ago now when my "breakdown" occurred. It coincided with the end of a long term relationship with a woman I share I child with. The last 12 months of the relationship I watched her cheat on me with six different men. The breakdown for me felt like a three day whirlwind spiral to absolute incompetence. A blubbering mess crying non-stop for three days straight struggling to remember what had happened the day before. I went to my Doctor who rushed me into a Psychologist who immediately called in the Mental Health team.

I've been to the Doctors, I am on the medication. Talking didn't help me. I'm an educated guy, I have a Degree, when I tell the Psychologist something I can almost predict what she is going to feed back to me. I know the answers, surround yourself in friends and family, take it one day at a time, you've come so far. 
I'm 28, I've worked full-time and studied a full-time load pretty much through my entire 20s and now have the job I always dreamed of. Except it's exhausting, not the job ... the facade I put on each and every day to make it look like I actually care. The Doctors told me at the time of my "breakdown" that they were: "almost certain it's reactive depression as a result of the relationship breakup, that people with clinical depression are unable to be happy even though they have financial security, good jobs, healthy children etc". I have all of those things... yet ...

I'm sure I am preaching to the choir here, it's just exhausting. There's no fixing it.

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[Mares73]

Dearest Grout, thankyou for the courage & trust you have shown in reaching out on Beyond Blue. Your message resonated very much with me. Yes it's often said that high achieves & highly intelligent people can be the most vulnerable to depression-largely because we have very high expectations of ourselves & are our own worst critics. Your reaction to the circumstances of the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman in itself sums up your desperation at the constant struggle you are experiencing with the illness of depression. I often think that when people (including myself) are unwell to the point that suicide appears attractive-that it is not our entire lives or self we want to destroy-but rather we want the pain, suffering, frustration & sense of hopelessness to be destroyed. And whilst these are incredibly difficult to battle, they are not the total sum of who you are as a person. We all wish we could find a way to destroy or experience relief from the symtoms of depression & when we are in the depths of it, sadly, we cannot separate the illness from our sense of self. We merge the depression with ourselves as a whole person & cannot see the separation between the terrible illness we live with & the many other components of ourselves as a person. I am only now beginning to see & accept that there is a difference. We are not the sum of the illness. We live with a very painful illness & need support to be able to see the separation between the the symtoms we experience & our broader selves. We need support  to learn to live with depression and to accept it as a part of our lives that we need to monitor & manage. So it is not the sum of who we are. Unfortunately it is such an invasive, all consuming illness at times & that's when we need our "crisis support plan" to help us through the painful episode & on our slow journey back to the other parts of ourselves & our lives. I think self  acceptance that we live with an illness that is episodic & crippling at times is so hard to do (as in accept) & also awareness, acknowledgement & acceptance of all the other parts that make us a whole & complete human being is crucial. We live with an illness that requires awareness, acceptance, management & coping strategies, support & in most cases medication. The point of that is to highlight we have an illness in the same way that thousands of people also live with an illness & depending on what type, different adaptations will be required. The main difference between depression & living with other serious illnesses is the stigma that is attached to depression & rarely have I ever been able to say the genuine reason I may be unwell & unable to participate in or do my usual activities. Yes it's slowly improving in being identified as a credible illness in the media but for the present time it largely remains misunderstood & therefore excuses such as I have a migraine are my explanations provided when necessary. Another thing you referred to that I related to was experiences of visiting Pyschologists who speak to me about basic coping strategies. Like you, I am beyond "experts" who aim to assist solely with basic CBT theory. It may be worth looking for one on the list provided by Beyond Blue-a list of GPs & Pyschologists nationwide who have had intensive traing with Beyond Blue & are now recommended by BB. There are also different types of therapy & it all seems to come down to the Practioners knowledge of a specific preferred therapy. I'm currently looking into ACT therapy (Acceptance & Commitment) & there are some great websites on the subject. The hype seemed to begin around. "The Happiness Trap" by Rus Harris. But if you go to his website there are many links to other informative & helpful sites on the subject of mindfulness approaches to depression,  How do you feel about the breakup with your partner as being the  major trigger for your  onset  of a severe depressive episode? Has your history of depressive episodes usually related to a trigger you can identify? Or have you ever experienced an episode without an identible trigger? I'm sorry this is so long & I'm asking questions when your not feeling great-it's just good to get a sense of how you are feeling, what your own assessment of your depression is & whether you have had any significant support around you that you can talk to about how you are. Or are you isolated & feeling alone? Ill stop-gosh I'm sorry I feel like I've written a chapter! I hope it isn't too overwhelming-and don't feel obligated to answer or respond to anything you don't want to. I'd only ask that if you were up to it & felt comfortable doing so-that you let us know how your going throughout this difficult time so that we can offer support & advice. For now-take care & I hope things improve for you & look forward to hearing how you are-when you are ready. Kind regards x Mares (Mares73)

[JessF]

Hi Grunt, you are preaching to the choir but in this case I think you'll hear the choir singing back that you can fix it, and not by killing yourself. you would have seen in the news about Philip Seymour Hoffman how devastated all the people in his life were, family, friends, people who had worked with him. Those friends you sat with, imagine how they'd feel if you were do that.  I'm not trying to guilt trip you here... but here's another thought: imagine how your friends and family would feel if they KNEW you were feeling like you wanted to kill yourself.  I remember the very first time I told a close friend about a suicide crisis I'd had, months after it had happened, I was too ashamed to tell her at the time.  She was so upset I hadnt told her, because she would have moved heaven and earth to help me and be with me if I had.  I just didnt see that then.  Please hang on in there and don't give up on talking yet, I don't think you have, otherwise you wouyldn't have come here.  Preach to the choir anytime you like, we're here.

[Mares73]

Hi Grunt, just wondering how you are? have you had a chance to read replies? I'm concerned how you are feeling as I appreciate how difficult it is to get decent professional help when you need it most-and I'm going through that at moment. I related to your story so so much, as I mentioned in my reply above. Yes we can achieve great things, but we can be alone in a crowd & beyond what we are capable of doing-is our minds & the emotional issues buried there. What did you think of Ian Thorpe admitting he suffers depression? So many high public figures have opened up the issue lately. It can happen to ANY of us. So please hold on, let us know how you are? Ring BB if desperate but if you feel in danger of hurting yourself, pls pls ph BB & get immediate help. We can share this journey & support you if you let us. Take care x Mares