the struggles of keeping the black dog away....

Stormgrl101 · ‎17-09-2015

Hello to whoever is reading this, i hope you are well.

So yesterday I had two appointments, one for Centrelink to get a job capacity assessment done and one at my Job Provider. The Centrelink one went well, she said she would write up the report and I would most likely get referred to a Disability support Job Provider. I then went to the Job Provider and found out I was not seeing the girl I usually saw. This other lady asked what I was doing... studying certificate II animal studies and volunteer at the animal shelter, which my psychologist suggested for me and helped me be able to go. She went on to say that for the "work for the dole" I had to study a Certificate III or higher so what wasnt good enough and then the animal shelter volunteering was not an approved activity so I would have to do something else. Well of course my anxiety shot through the roof and I burst into tears in front of her. I struggled to get the words out that I went to Centrelink that morning and to look up for my report. She got on the phone to someone saying she had a client in front of her who was very tender and falling to pieces... which of course made me feel even more shit.... and then she finally found the report and saw "severe anxiety/depression. extreme emotions, tearfulness, freezes when anxious and struggles to talk.."
etc. She said Oh I dont feel so bad now I mean I can be mean but not today. Anyway she wrote up the referral for the Disability support Job Provider which I have an appointment for on Friday. I just hope these people will actually help me and not just push me to the side and stress me out.

Anyway now I'm just feeling quite down about everything and the future. I know I have a family who loves me and a caring boyfriend but still the black dog keeps pulling me down making me feel all alone and whats the point because I'll never get better from this, its just going to be a constant struggle.

thanks for reading.

White_Rose · ‎17-09-2015

Dear Stormgirl

That was a horrible experience and I am so sorry you had to go through this. When you feel vulnerable it's hard enough to get out and about and the unnecessary carelessness of others can have a huge impact. I suspect this has made you more anxious about your interview on Friday.

As you are seeing a psychologist I expect you have developed some ways of coping with anxiety, or at least potentially anxious situations. However when you get dumped on out of the blue it can be overwhelming. I hope you are feeling more relaxed now and able to plan for your interview.

I admire your determination to overcome your difficulties enough to get out in the world in this constructive manner. I have not experienced anxiety to the same extent as you but I have arrived at various destinations quite literally shaking with anticipation.

It seems at times that we will never get well again, particularly after incidents such as the one you experienced. It is often only after a long time that we can look back and see how far we have come. You have recognised how many people love you and that is a tremendous realisation. I have struggled for years with the feeling of being unloved. It was untrue but I could not see it. Being loved does not make the Black Dog go away but it does give you something solid to hold on to and is a step forward.

You are conquering your fear little by little with your study and volunteer work. Fantastic! The determination and desire to work constructively is no small achievement. We all need goals to give meaning to our lives and the more those goals involve helping others the better you feel. Everyone trips up now then, even those without mental illnesses, regardless of how far their journey has taken them.

Once in a while look back at how far you have come and give yourself a pat on the back. One day you will not notice your disability, even if it is still there. You will learn to manage and that is a far more realistic goal than changing your entire personality. We are what we are, and this includes our own unique gifts and strengths as well as our weaknesses. Concentrate on your strengths because they are fantastic. Accept the other bits as part of you but not to dwell on and make the centre of your life.

Please let us know how you go on Friday.

Mary

Stormgrl101 · ‎02-10-2015

Thankyou for replying to me I appreciate it.

Today I met with my disability job worker. I showed her my application and resume my parents helped me write as I have an opportunity to apply for a job at the animal shelter I volunteer at.

I told my worker I have never had luck with a job interview because my anxiety gets too high and I break down. She said she is happy to support me and help me get a job which is the ultimate goal although I fear my mental illness will prevent this from happening.

Then the depression hits and feelings of hopelessness and thinking of my family that loves me and my partner who loves me (although I am constantly fearful of him leaving me as he is my biggest support and rock) I am constantly having to convince myself its just the anxiety talking and its tiring.

Stormgrl101 · ‎13-10-2015

Well I find myself here again with the black dog consistent in dragging me down. I was staring at the calendar today when the sudden realization hit me wow its November next month, I feel upset that yet another year is nearly over and still I am getting no where. I am meeting my new female mentor tomorrow, see my psychologist monthly, see disability job provider weekly, see my doc Friday morning, supportive parents and caring partner.. I have a good support network but I hate being a burden on everyone. I don't want people to worry about me so I struggle to express how I really feel. I need to be fine, for my parents, but I know I am not. The more days that pass, I look around and can't help but feel like there is no place in this world where I belong.

White_Rose · ‎14-10-2015

Dear Stormgirl

Yes we are half way though October and it's a shock to the system. Yesterday I noticed the shops were selling mince pies. And I expect decorations will start to go up in November which is a month too early for me.

Are you really getting nowhere? You have a volunteer job and now the opportunity to apply for a paid position. So the animal shelter manager must be happy with your work. You are writing on BB and being quite open about your difficulties. You acknowledge you have a great support network, and often people with anxiety or depression are unable to see this.

It's your depression etc that is telling you how hopeless you are. This is not your real self. Inside you are a caring person who has much to offer. Most importantly you are making a huge effort to get well. It's not easy having to see people such as your disability job provider every week, plus your doctor and psychologist.

I have spent the past few weeks seeing various specialists and my GP frequently and it's getting tiring. I am irritated because it takes up so much time and effort which I could spend on more interesting occupations. I have a couple physical problems that need investigation and treatment and I just want this to be over and get on "the cure" so I can get on with my life. At the moment nothing seems to be happening apart from a round of doctor's appointments. But I do know that behind the scenes things are going on.

Can you look back to the begining of the year and remember how you felt and what was happening in your life? Sometimes it helps to look back and see where you have come from and how far you have traveled. It makes looking forward easier and more positive.

Please keep talking

Mary

Stormgrl101 · ‎26-10-2015

Well the people that my doctor referred me to see which I saw on Friday have booked me in to see their psychiatrist next week. Not sure what to expect, Feeling anxious about it.

Life is so overwhelming, its hard for my brain to cope. At least I have been trying to be honest about suicidal thoughts and the bad habits to help me cope, Im scared about future appointments,

Stormgrl101 · ‎03-11-2015

Today is not good.

was supposed to have psychiatric appt this morning but doc called in sick. Went back to car and burst into tears. Drove home now back in bed and not feeling well.

White_Rose · ‎03-11-2015

That's a big disappointment after you have psyched (no pun intended) yourself up to see this new person. So do you have another appointment?

Having got that far I can understand why you burst into tears. Bed is a great place to be at times when you feel bad. I hope you rest well and start tomorrow feeling better. Climbing out of the hole is so hard and I imagine your cancelled appointment seems as though you have been pushed back in. Hold on until your next appointment. Remember to breathe.

I wish I could give you more help but at the moment I am struggling a little myself. So we will metaphorically hold hands and wish each other well.

Mary

Stormgrl101 · ‎04-11-2015

Thank u Mary for replying even though you are struggling too. I hope u feel better soon.

I have to wait to find out when the next appointment is. I was so upset about it cause the past week had been hell leading up to that appointment. Im feeling so horribly guilty and upset, thankfully seeing my PhAMS worker today for a chat and walk. I hope I will be able to open up a bit today, i wanted to ring a line yesterday to talk to someone but I was too scared and didn't think I'd be able to talk.