The Little Black Cloud

[Mr_Crumpets]

Hi everyone,

Please excuse if this first post I make here is a ramble. Don't know what really to say or ask for.

The best I can describe it as a little black cloud that has reappeared over my head again.

It's not a regular thing, but it appears every once in a blue moon, where I'm down and just want to be shut off from everyone I know. I'm okay to go outside, to the shops (etc), but want to stay clear of people I know.

To explain this latest little black cloud, this weekend was supposed to be a pretty big weekend at our cricket club with our biggest social event of the year, Halloween Night.

During the week I told my teammates I wasn't going to be getting a costume this year (like everyone else) but was still going to DJ their party. There was constant nagging that I needed to get one, so took out one of those pay day loans (I get paid monthly) to get one.

Come yesterday (Halloween), there was other nagging of me of if I made sure everyone had got a lift to the game - I captain a bottom grade side that has a number of juniors playing - while at the same time being nagged to set up my DJ equipment before I head to the game (some 7 hours early).

Someone who said they didn't need a lift changed their mind at the last second, so I was feeling that black cloud roll in.

Get to the ground and the match starts late due to the weather, I forget that we're one short and when one of other sides come to watch (whose game was called off), I get nagged again for not asking them to lend a sub fielder.

These are small naggings but it just feel like a heavy and heavier pressure.

During the course of the day, under this cloud, I forget to collect match payments and now dread I'll be nagged about that.

The final straw was at the end of the game, someone who I caught a lift to the ground with said someone else would give me a list back to our home clubrooms. After I finish all the captain's paperwork, I find no-one left!

I leave a message on our what's app group saying I need and lift and someone suggests I take a taxi, instead of turning back to pick me up - triggering off this little black cloud!

I finally make my way to the clubrooms, grab my hired halloween costume, give everyone a dirty look, live my DJ gear and headed straight home. I switched my phone off for 24 hours and refused to talk to anyone.

What hurts is I took 4 wickets yesterday (my best ever bowling), but never enjoyed it.

Now I fear having to front and communicate with them all at training.

[geoff]

dear Mr Crumpets, thanks for coming to the site and I'd like to welcome you, and from what I have read from your comment is that too much pressure has been put on you, where once you would have been able to cope being in this situation, but now you are at breaking point, and by saying this means that you are able to go through with all of this responsibility but at the moment you aren't, and please I am not saying you can't.

You say that it has 'reappeared' and this is cause for concern, because someone who has the black cloud hanging over them, shouldn't have been given this responsibility, but maybe they had no idea that you were suffering, and that's where pride comes into the equation, because we feel as though we can complete the job, but as soon a problem arises then it all falls into a heap.

Even if you got a good response from your mates by getting 4 wickets isn't enough to pull you out of this situation, because in your mind all the other issues are stuck in your mind, and at the moment if I waer you I would get someone else to be captain, only because you don't need all this pressure on your shoulders at the moment. Geoff.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

You already seem to have some strategies to make sure you are getting out there, like going shopping but avoiding some people and conversations. At times I would do just that too, and find going to a different supermarket a good option. 

I don't see taking on responsibility as an issue because the black cloud is not always there (sometimes a break can help, but not always). I suspect you feel things more at the moment then you normally would do and perhaps your reactions to little things are stronger. I find it helps me to observe what I am doing, to comment to myself, "wow that was a strong emotion" or "I seem to be over reacting to that" It is not to have a go at myself, rather to check in with what it going on and let me be easier on me and work through or ride out what is happening on the inside. 

So the "how" bit of managing the storm cloud overhead. Well it is in doing things that I enjoy even a little that give me space and time to let my mind run free. I mow the grass, every week sometimes and even if it doesn't need it. Gardening, vacuuming, washing dishes, laundry, carwash (by hand is a favourite), Walking an isolated hillside... I would imagine Cricket could play a part for you Mr Crumpets, sounds like you normally enjoy it (just not now) and are actually quite good at it - if it is like me the enjoyment will return. 

Medication, the GP was actually really good, did a test called SAD that monitored how I was travelling with anxiety and depression and when things were better the medication could be withdrawn. I can say now that it helped but at the time it didn't seem to - that was me with the blinkers on though. 

The other part that does help me is going and talking to someone, I'll be honest I don't feel like they do anything all that amazing but there is a change over time and they help put the over reaction back in perspective. I tend to go to someone in Melbourne, partly because 4 hours on V/line each way is a bit of therapy in itself (despite that I am so easily annoyed by the other people on the train or bus). So it costs a fair bit for me to do that and a day a fortnight off work, but there are much cheaper and more local alternatives.  

All the best.

Rob.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Mr Crumpets. 

Welcome, it's totally fine to ramble here. It seems that you had a lot to get out. 

From your story, it sounds like you had a lot going on prior to your cricket club's event and that you didn't feel supported by your team mates. You felt pressured to take out that loan by your team mates, then forgotten about when you were expecting a lift to the event and then their expectation to spend more money on a cab. I can understand why you were upset with them. 

I relate to your isolation behaviour, I do that when I'm depressed. I also emotionally withdraw. In those moments I feel better when I isolate, but in the long run I find that it is very destructive. Though I may think that I am punishing others, I'm actually punishing myself. 

What can you do to better prepare for seeing your team at training? Is there someone on the team that you would feel comfortable to talk to? Perhaps a coach or captain? That person may be able to help you navigate the relationship with your team mates and maybe assist you with your club responsibilities. 

And congrats on your 4 wickets! It's okay to sometimes not feel happiness and you may be able to appreciate this success in retrospect. 

ET