The light at the end of the tunnel is grey.

[Lost69]

I'm a first timer here.....

i am in a bad place at the moment. I have had one bout of depression four years ago and now feel like I am walking along that cliff edge again. Looking  back over the last year I think a failed mediation with my ex husband has brought back all the feelings of worthlessness that I lived with whilst I was married. Now I find myself looking at the negatives in everything when I used to see the positives. 

There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now. My partner (who is supportive, loving, kind and motivated) has been out of work for 14 weeks and although he is motivated and positive he will find work there don't seem to be any jobs in his field to apply for.We have big financial commitments and I am worrying about money.

I am trying to downplay how I am feeling (I know - its the wrong thing to do:).  as I need my partner to stay positive for his job searching. He is reassuring me that it all will be ok - my head is telling me that it all will be ok, but there is part of me that just doesn't believe it.

i have been in counselling for over a year and am finally learning to face a pretty terrible childhood (which made me choose completely the wrong type of husband) I have so many wonderful things in my life I just don't seem to be able to rejoice in them.

Lost69

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Lost,

You're doing very well to come one and put something down, especially with a "terrible childhood". Always hard to get some resolution on that subject with all the guilt, blame, abuse, etc.

Gotta say the "downplay" of negative emotion "as I need my partner to stay positive for his job searching" sounds like some justification to me.  To make an example - do you also only eat half you food because your partner need to eat 1.5 times as much so he can stay healthy and positive for his job searching ?   Do you sleep in the lounge so your partner can avoid waking up to your snoring so that your partner can stay positive for his job searching ?  Probably not.

Why not just be yourself ?  Grumpy, sad, dislocated BUT also honest.   I've been married over 20 years and it would be distressing to discover my partner was masking a serious illness just to keep me in high spirits so I could stay positive for my job searching.    The communication is everything.   You didn't get married to NOT communicate, NOT reveal emotions, NOT talk about financial worries.

You might be assuming (sorry, that word again) that your health doesn't matter.  But then, the honest relationship does.  Else, why bother getting another job ? Or how do you know your partner is even applying for jobs ?   The bag of deceit is full of lies when you start this kind of justification.  It's never gonna help you.  Do you want your worsening negativity acknowledged and engaged in therapy/meds/more counselling ?   Will you let your partner support you ?  Sickness and Health and all that jazz.  If you had $0 would you still be with this man ?  Seriously.  What's more important ?

Adios, David.

PS  Maybe your "feelings of worthlessness" have left this part of your communication "worthless" up to a point. But you sound damm worthy to me.

[Chris_B]

Hi Lost69,

Thanks for joining the forums and sorry you’re in the bad place.  There’ll be some good advice and discussion coming your way from others on here who’ve been through similar times.

You might want to also check out this beyondblue resource, 'Taking care of yourself after retrenchment or financial loss': https://www.bspg.com.au/dam/bsg/product?client=BEYONDBLUE&prodid=BL/0373&type=file

Hope you find it useful for some practical tips.

Best
CB

____________________________________________________________________

Online Community Manager

[Lost69]

Thanks for your reply David.

i think I have spent most of my life hiding my emotions and I have this"mask" that I wear around other people. I honestly feel that people look right through me because I am not important. I even find it hard to look into the mirror because I really don't like what I see. 

I do get what you are saying about the importance of honesty - with myself as well as with my family. I have been so lucky to find a partner who loves and values me. I just want to get to a place where I believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful.  I have had a discussion today about some of my fears and he was very supportive of me. He is trying hard to understand why I am this way ( it's so difficult to express the effect of a destructive childhood to someone who grew up in a loving stable home)

How do I put a destructive past behind me so it doesn't destroy my future?????