The Guilt . Where does it come from.

[Beaser]

Hi and best wishes to everyone. I know that guilt is often associated with depression. Sometimes i get overwhelmed with it myself .Those feelings of constantly letting people down ,whether it be from not visiting or being able to help them when they ask for help with something or just not being available for a social gathering.It just seems especially hard at this time of year. I was just wondering about peoples similar situations and how they manage these feelings.I find it quite overwhelming at times. Brett

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Brett,

Thank you for your post. 100% can relate. There's a part of me that's like ohh I might have helpful strategies and another part that just sucks at putting them all into place.

I also have a chronic illness as well so I constantly feel like I'm letting people down, but I'm also learning that I have super high expectations of myself - and I imagine that you do too. This idea that you have to show up, be available and probably even be happy..

It's totally ok that it's hard and it's totally ok that you're not able to visit or connect with people sometimes. Honestly it might just be what you need at the moment, and it won't be forever.

You're not alone in this.

rt

[white knight]

Hi Brett, welcome and thankyou for this important question,

I have had guilt and most has gone now from self improvements. It can be debilitating.

In my experience guilt develops from a factor in our childhood, perhaps as in my case you had a domineering parent? A side issue associated is worry which produces nothing but ulcers. These characteristics of our personality should be addressed and often professional help is needed.

In my case my domineering mother had what I now suspect (in denial and maybe had a mental illness) whereby she manipulated and was unpredictable with moods. The result was giving us kids low self esteem and fear of satisfying others in terms of their expectations.

It is a big turn around to go from that situation of guilt to one of confidence and accepting that some things like not being available for a social gathering is ok and normal, the world wont fall in over it. So be kind to yourself and give it time along with some research here and maybe professional help.

I have a few threads that will help, that I wrote a while ago.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/rejection---it's-hard-to-swallow

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/only-the-strongest-survive-make-it-you

I hope they help. Feel free to reply, I'm here most days and other might comment.

TonyWK

[Reventon]

Oh man, so much here that I relate to. Like WhiteKnight I also had some of my guilt issues learning from my parents, my mother particularly. She's unstable, hyper vigilant, has narcissistic episodes and has some highly dysfunctional guilt stories motivating her actions (strict Catholic background).

The analogy I use for "I Should" stories of internal judgement is to imagine a friend with you in the gym.

Hypothetically, you've been training a while, you can lift a decent amoung of weight... then you bring in a friend who's pretty new to training to help them.

Should they lift the same stack as you straight away? Of course not. They need time and help to work up to it.

Having to do every single social event in Christmas during a depressive episode is like your untrained friend walking up to a loaded 200 kilo barbell and attempting to deadlift it without warming up.

Would you even let them try? Of course not?

Would you judge them for feeling intimidated by it? Nope, you'd consider them to be sensible.

I don't know about your condition personally Beaser. It could be you're having a flare up from your depression, or maybe it's consistently challenging. It could be that incidents from your past are triggering you, or it could just be the general social pressure that comes with the season.

The solution I've found helpful is the same one as training - build up. Do a little bit at a time. Remember that in order to get stronger, you need time, good sleep and good food (for the soul). Right now your socialising muscles are undertrained, but they can build up if you want them to.

The other part to it is the CBT stuff - challenging the "I should" statements as you encounter them in your thoughts.

It could be you place much tougher expectations and standards on yourself than you do on other people.

Coming back to the same analogy, if you could imagine this was a close friend who was experiencing what you are, try and talk to yourself with the same kind of support and compassion.

[Beaser]

Hi White Night and thank you for your thoughtful response.I can certainly relate to some of your experiences.Iwould like to read some of your previous pow to osts that you put in your reply. Im just not sure about how to access them. Brett Thanks again.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Brett,

If you copy the link and paste them in your browser that should work, hopefully that helps

rt