Terrible Rut

[Dean1]

Hi

Its been a while since I put my first post on this fantastic page but I seem to hit a low again, my test score was 34 I believe how tired I am I can hardly keep my eyes open. I am in a terrible rut and I cant seem to get out of it and its really getting me down, 2017 was without doubt the worst year of my life and I was glad to see the back of it.

I have been waiting for a basic procedure to be done its a umbilical hernia, I was retrenched so I could no longer afford private health insurance. I have been waiting 7 months, and I was told that it will probably be done in June. My marriage also failed last year as well, and that is really starting to hit home as well.

I always hear that you should talk to people don't bottle things up and I was doing that for a while but now I have become very reclusive. I found that every time I spoke about how I was feeling I was tearing open a old wound I hate the way I feel at the moment, if they told me I would die tomorrow I wouldn't bother me.

I know my problem isn't as bad as a lot of other peoples but I am in such a unfamiliar place mentally at the moment I'm not sure what step I should take next.

Why am I so tired.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Dean,

I’m sorry it has taken a little while for you to receive a response. Please don’t think it’s a reflection on you but sometimes it happens accidentally on the forums. I hope you’re still reading and thank you for your patience.

2017 must have been an absolutely horrendous year for you. What a rough year...it’s horrible when multiple problems pile up. It can be very distressing and exhausting. You must be feeling so overwhelmed and drained.

I’m glad you’re reaching out and I agree that it’s generally a good idea to open up rather than to continue bottling. I think bottling can work for a while till a person has bottled far too much, and then the lid just comes flying off and emotions and thoughts can spill everywhere...

I know it can be easy to compare our own struggles to other people’s pain. I do it too and I’ve read about many other BeyondBlue members who do the comparison “thing” too. But ultimately, I think all pain is valid in its own right; we all have our own load to carry in life.

I must admit that I’m concerned about you and where your thoughts are headed, particularly the apathy towards the “if anything were to happen to you tomorrow” mentality. Sorry, I hope it’s okay if I ask if you have sought any professional help (e.g. GP, psychologist, etc) or called a helpline. It’s just that I would love for you to receive more support that you clearly deserve. Personally, I see a psychologist and have sometimes use helplines too and find them helpful.

Of course you can also use this online space for support too 🙂 I hope you we hear from you again.

kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Dean1]

Hi

I haven't seen anyone, at the moment I'm finding it a lot easier not to talk to anyone as I don't have anything positive to say and I feel people have enough problems of their own. I have 2 good mates who know where I am mentally at the moment but I have stopped corresponding with them maybe just a short text.

I'm trying to do a positive thing when I'm flat, I am now working a second job to try and save for my surgery I cant wait for the public system any longer. My hernia is my biggest battle mentally I can't move forward till its done.

So this is the way I feel about things at the moment, I have no purpose in life what am I doing just going through the motions. I hate my job but cant change it because of my Hernia I wont pass a medical for another job what a mess.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Dean,

It’s great to hear from you again. Thank you so much for writing back.

Dealing with the hernia sounds horrendous and is clearly (and understandably) causing you a lot of stress. It’s awful how expensive surgery can be...

I’m glad you have your 2 close mates even if your communication is mostly via texts. You come across as a really thoughtful and considerate person. Perhaps anonymous helplines (e.g. BeyondBlue, Lifeline, etc) might be useful in your case. That way, you get to talk to someone but you wouldn’t have to worry about “burdening” them as that’s their job (or volunteer role). Just a gentle suggestion...

I can definitely relate to your feelings of purposelessness even if my reasons might be different to yours. I get what you mean by feeling as though you’re just “going through the motions.” Me too.

I hope you feel free to continue using this space to talk (if you like).

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Dean1]

Hi

I have removed myself from all forms of social media and I have stopped watching tv so many negatives everywhere, I only have 1 positive and that's the 14th of March when I see the surgeon about my hernia. I am now working 7 days a week to try and save enough money for my operation, I'm certain that its not helping my mental problems at the moment but I have no choice.

[White_Rose]

Hello Dean

Good to meet you.

Being unwell in any way is the pits. I do hope you will have good news from your surgeon in March. That is the huge drawback of public hospitals, treatment is not always available immediately. I imagine your hernia problem is painful which always makes us miserable and affects our mental health. How are you managing your workload? Seven a days a week is a huge effort. Does it affect your hernia or increase pain etc. You can tell I'm not a doctor.

It's probably good to avoid the social media when you feel unwell and vulnerable. Reading about someone's perfect day when yours is crappy does not help. I hope you can save enough cash to fund this surgery, although you may find your surgeon may have good news for you. That would be a good outcome. Do you know how long you will stay in hospital? I am constantly amazed how quickly patients move through the hospital.

When you see your surgeon please tell him/her about your depression. It has a huge impact on your life and the continuing depression. Working such long hours must be difficult. Please look after yourself as much as possible.

Come and talk here as often as you wish. We are always here.

Mary

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Dean,

I’m glad your hernia operation is pretty soon. I really hope surgery is a huge success for you.

Working 7 days each week would be incredibly exhausting and draining. But I know in your case, there’s not really much of a choice as you have to save enough money for you operation. It’s sad and stressful how expensive medical fees can be.

Yes, a 7 day work week plus a painful hernia would understandably wreak havoc on your mental health. I feel for you...

I agree with Mary it’s a good idea to avoid social media and TV if you’re finding the things you read and see to be very discouraging. That’s the last thing you need on top of everything else you’re going through.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Dean1]

Hi

Thankyou for your reply's, I think because I'm a old school Australian male who used to believe that you should take a spoonful of cement and toughen up its not helping. I usually go to my dark place on a Sunday afternoon and then Monday is a complete disaster but this time it started on the Saturday afternoon . Yesterday I slepted from 4.30pm till 6.30am this morning.

I don't know how to explain it but I know when its coming its like when you get a cold, I can feel something in my brain change its like it releases a toxin or something that just sucks the life out of me. I don't like I don't like what it does to me I am normally nothing like the person it turns me into to.

I am now ready to talk to a professional this isn't going away by itself I thought I could weather the storm but I can't. I hadn't been to a GP for 5yrs then I got my hernia, I went to a bulk bill clinic and the GP couldn't get me out the door quick enough so I don't think seeing him again is going to help me.

I have been looking on the internet to find a GP who may work with mental issues but I can't seem to source anything. I'm on the Gold Coast in Southport how do I find a doctor that I can talk to. Can I get through this without having to take medication I'm very worried about this I guess that's what a doctor is for.

[Birdy77]

Hi Dean 😊

It's great to hear that you are now ready to talk to a professional. Eating concrete for breakfast just isn't healthy is it.

The gp who who scooted you out the door needs to get the sack from you, but if you see another go and tell them how you're feeling, they will be able to refer you to a psychologist who bulk bills. They usually give you a list of a few to choose from.

It might help to click on "Find a professional" just below this discussion, under "Get Support", it might give you some guidance. The folks at beyond blue are there to help so if you ever need dome help or advice, 1300 26 46 36

Sorry you're feeling so awful, it's a terrible feeling. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown as well ... that in itself would be probably a big thing to process and talking to a pro will help you.

Hang in there mate. You have support here, we're in your corner.

I hope you have a better day.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

So sorry i typed the phone number incorrectly 1300 22 46 36 😣