Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling disappointed in myself due to self growth pursuits almost testing me. Over the past two years I've taken on two positions voluntarily within one of my children's school and their sports club being Secretary and President. Life is a balancing act, I never stop thinking about how others live, how they keep up with everything. Life is incredibly busy between extra curricular activities, playing taxi here and there for the kids, housework, shopping, volunteering, supporting extended family, class room help etc etc. I should be able to cope right? I mean, it's life. Well I've noticed just like the throws of this illness, that at certain points I cope better than others. I continue to self evaluate what I achieve mainly to see how far I've come dealing with this illness. I've got a large task ahead which I'm organising right now, I'm leading the event just like last year a fete/fun day. It's an enormous job for which I'm responsible for and I'm feeling a little jittery fitting it all in. The benefits of this are that I'm constantly keeping in contact with people, I'm not shut off in any sense but my mind is over stimulated by it all right now. I'm caught between loyalty and my own self awareness in looking out for myself. My husband believes if I take a role next year that I should accept to step down and be a general helper instead of leading the events. He thinks I'm capable but if the stress peaks then why do it to myself. Part of me resents my line of thinking, that I need to prove to the family that I can function at top level. I see myself as a fraction of the women I once was when I worked in a corporate setting. My husband tells me I have nothing to prove. He is inclined to push my creative side, I make jewellery mostly. I've got to the point that I wan't to just accept that I'm getting older now and since a full fleged onset of the illness came on its changed things. Even though my illness was there when I was working cbd as accountant, our lives were different then so I coped with it differently and only had myself and husband to look after. In short, I'm sick of putting pressure on myself to prove to my family. I try to achieve at a higher level and obviously it brings too much stress. When will I ever find the right balance? Or is it that I've pressured myself because of fear that I'm a hopeless bipolar?
