sudden feelings of depression

[Emily1992]

i dont generally struggle too much with depression, but i have very bad anxiety and social anxiety and generally if i do start to feel low mood or depressed it will usually be due to overwhelming feelings of anxiety. its like a sick, twisted cycle. anyway, i suddenly feel depressed right now and the thing is i hardly ever know how i got there? its like my brain is working overtime and overthinking in the background doing tasks that im not entirely aware of, almost like a background program on a computer. Yes! actually that is exactly what it is like! like im thinking anxious all over the place thoughts, but i myself in my concious mind dont even know what im actaully thinking. how insane does that sound?! LOL does anyone else feel this way? i literally dont even know where i am going with this, but i guess im sick of the same old pattern and cycle and i always end up feeling extremely irritable and angry more than anything because im sick of feeling this way. why cant i just be normal"?!! i wonder what it actually feels like to feel "normal" (lol what even is "normal" though right?!) and have an absolute absence of these crazy thoughts in you mind?! i know for a fact i have met people like that although i cant see into their minds and i may be wrong, i swear these people are so convincingly calm and seem as if they dont have a care in the world. i am intelligent and i often think about all the amazing things i could have/could do if it werent for these utterly paralyzing thiughts and feelings, especially around social anxiety and being around different people in general. I just have so many compunded thoughts and feelings (like i said i dont even know half of them!) and i end up like a pathetic, lazy and unmotivated heap of mess! and then i get even more pissed off at myself for being lazy! OMG lol talk about drama queen! i go for walks, i try to get out i mean its harder with this pandemic shit at the moment, but i am still going for at least a 30 minute walk each day well most days anyway. I have felt alright the last few days but not sure why. but now feel like crap. i am 28 and i still live at home with my mum which i still feel bad about although i have gotten better at not letting it bother me as much. I have been single for 5 years now and i feel very sad deep down that i still have not met anyone amazing in my life, but i just get on with it. and i have like 1 freind lo. i am very lonely but honestly in this world not much you can do.

[therising]

Hi Emily1992

You definitely make a good point in questioning what is normal.

Would you say you're an intuitive person who struggles with a lot of background chatter. Some might say that intuitive people really have it all together though, they don't doubt themselves. They just have this ability to go with the flow. In reality, for some, it can be a very long process (to gradually stop that background chatter that leads to self doubt). Even the most intuitive folk still face the challenge of a little self questioning.

Some people are quick to brush off that old saying 'To be in 2 minds'. For certain people, such a simple saying can describe a somewhat torturous life. I actually smiled when you questioned what normal really is, as the 2 minds aspect popped into my head. Have you ever listened to people who speak aloud the kind of conversations you have in your head? Personally, I witness it almost every day and people don't necessarily even know they're doing it. For example, you can ask a person you know who is a little perplexed about making a decision 'So, what are you going to do?' and wait for an internal argument to come out between 2 very different personalities: 'I know that job is exactly the right one for me. I cant' apply for it though because I don't have all the qualifications. I could go in and at least sit for an interview, I suppose. The interviewer will see right through me though and realise I'm not as good as other applicants. I won't go. I don't want to feel like a failure'. If we've come to identify our self through the opinions of others who tend to dictate our inability then this can basically be the chatter we're struggling with. If we're raised by folk who promote listening to intuition then the inspiration that comes to mind ('I know that job is exactly the right one for me') becomes a prompt, without a doubt. Technically, the objective is to go for the interview. Getting the job is a bonus.

Healthy self-esteem is an intuitive person's best friend, for their positive pioneering choices are often going to be questioned by others. With healthy self-esteem we become a defender of our choices. This is, for sure, a challenge which can be hard to master.

With a growing state of hyperactivity in your body's systems, within social settings, have you ever experienced a moment of observing the physical sensations, without thought (an intense experience). If so, have you ever wondered 'What's my body working up to?' Could it be courage?

🙂

[missingpuzzlepiece]

Hey Emily,

Had a laugh at your analogy of the background programs, you are totally on the mark! But lets expand that with another analogy, anti virus programs. They scan every process that starts up, looks for a threat, lets it pass to run if assessed a safe proccess. What is happening with anxiety, is you are running multiple antivirus programs at the same time and they are all saying "are you sure its safe?" and so after checking for the same list of threats multiple times over, the process might run as needed, or being overloaded or stuck in a loop, they crash.

So normal is, your mind checks for threats quickly and allows you to continue based on that assessment. Abnormal, is continually checking for threats even after its clear there are none.

So what can you do? slow down and notice whats happening when you feel that way, then conciously make the decision, threat/no threat. It takes a lot of practice.

Being angrier than usual? yeh its a reaction to how you are feeling, the frustration builds and bursts out when overwhelemed. This will get better if you deal with the real issues, your anxiety.

What could have I done if.... you are building a list of regrets. This only helps one thing, depression. Stop it now.
What could I do if.... now you are building a list of expectations. You can't predict life, no you cant, you might try to bring up examples of how you have, but look closer, its hit and miss, sometimes true, but not always.

So you live with your mum, how lucky for you right now! You have soemone to watch movies with and cook dinners and generally chat with. Its been noted that a lot of children now dont move out till they are in their 30s, so you are normal. see what i did there lol

Guess what else is normal? People having eratic emotional responses in our current situation! So go read through the BeyondBlue resources on anxiety and fill your brain with more knowledge, learn and chill, its all going to be ok.