Stuck

[JustBlah]

I could write this in my daily journal but the dogs ripped it up yesterday. Normally I would be so upset about that but I’m at the point of not caring. I had another suicide attempt last week and woke up again. Clearly not meant to go. I know it is the most selfish thing to say and do. Now I am stuck. Can't do anything unless it is the eleventh hour and I am rushing around like a mad women beating up on myself for feeling so lazy and useless. I'm on medication. I have had the same psychiatrist for 32 years and we decided we are both retiring this year! Just venting

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear JustBlah,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I am so deeply sorry that you’re struggling so much with your mental health, that you feel the only option is suicide….I am so pleased that you did wake up, so many people do love and care you….including me and your beautiful fur babies, I have 3 fur girls, that are my saviours, companions and I love them to bits….to much to leave them for anyone else to care for…

JustBlah, I can relate to the feeling of being lazy and useless, depression really does take away our motivation to do anything much at all….it’s sad that your beating up on you, I do that as many others here do as well….but you don’t deserve that, you’re a beautiful person struggling with your mental health,  I would like to gentle let you know that you deserve to give yourself some self care…

We have a thread here called…..” Small achievements you did today”…it’s a thread we’re we put our daily achievements in….could be just getting out of bed…or making something to eat…doesn’t matter how small an achievement is….The thread is very inspiring for others, I hope it might help you…

Please Dear JustBlah, if you need to talk to someone, we have trained counsellors who are really beautiful and caring people that are available to chat to you…phone number is…1300 224 636….they are there 24/7….

Hope to hear from you again and let us know how your doing after you’ve vented a bit..

Thinking of you, with care and kindness..

Grandy..

[JustBlah]

Thanks Grandy ,

For your love support and care. Another day another perspective and welcoming reply from a beautiful community that accepts us as is. Understands why we can't and helps each other get through one day at a time. In future I'll go here instead of trying to go there. ❤️

[ss0]

Keep journalling. Take things one at a time. Spend time doing things that matter and with people you love. I know you are really strong and you can make it through this. 

[yours_truly]

Hey JustBlah,

It’s wonderful to see that you have taken out the courage to reach out for help and talk about this openly. Congratulations on taking a brave step in a positive direction. Journaling can be great, I speak from person experience when I say that, but it can also be repetitive and at some point tiring. When life gets incredibly hard and pointless, you feel like you just don’t want to exist. Truthfully, how you feel is not selfish, because wanting to stop the pain and aching is normal. However, you should not think that way. Most of the pain you feel, and it may be awful to hear, but might be from yourself. You say you beat yourself up about being lazy and unmotivated. Except, those are things that can be changed overtime. You say you feel like you just don’t care, but that is also something that can be changed. Nothing in this world is permanent, everything is constantly changing. Some change is slow, others come fast. Just take the time you need and be a little kinder to yourself, than rushing yourself and feeling awful. Completing tinier goals and actually achieving them, is better than trying to complete way bigger goals and then completing nothing. 

When it’s hard, you cannot go at the same pace you used to be able to, you must slow down. Once you understand that, you may find yourself being kinder, and potentially more motivated. When you are at your lowest, even the tiniest things help you go higher. 

yours_truly

[JustBlah]

Thanks, yours_truly,

you, are right. It is the slowing down that is the hardest...I am 56 which I keep being told is so young...and I know it is, but what people don't know is that being this age with a chronic mental illness feels that way for me. I have come to a time in my life where my mental health has become harder to stabilise. A realisation that my Psychiatrist and I have both come to. Please understand this is my reality and not anyone else's. Each individual with mental ill health is different. As different as we are people. The problem is that work has been an important part of my life but is now a very stressful time of my life. I was working full time and completing a Master's. I am not good at saying no, so at work I had agreed on numerous occasions to do a couple of roles simultaneously, temporarily while other people were on leave. The very thing my psychiatrist and I agreed was not good for me.

Of course, after taking all of that on I come to a crashing halt and can't do anything at all. I find it difficult to accept the limitations of my mental illness and become frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to do what I perceive so many other people can. Hence the destructive

cycle. These are the loving words of my family-

" You have had a long 37-year professional career and have been able to do this with a severe mental illness. It's ok to retire. It is enough and you have done enough."

I know it sounds so simple and so true. I also understand I am grieving a very great loss. The loss of the very real part of me that I am so proud of. One of my most amazing achievements. I know I am not defined by it, but it is still a very real loss. I know when I close this chapter, I will again find peace from moving on, but just at the moment I have not. I have decided to write a book. I promised my psychiatrist when I was 24 that I would tell the world I had a mental illness when I was older, and I didn't care about the stigma anymore. It was like when I asked him "what will we do when I go through menopause?" when I was younger. Fast forward to now when I asked him "do you remember when I was young, and I asked you what we will do when I go through menopause"? and he said, "and here we are". There is a lot to be said about staying with the one psychiatrist...

Thanks for letting me rant.

[yours_truly]

Hi JustBlah,

I realise that what I previously stated may have come off a little narrow. I completely understand that everyone is different, regardless of age, ethnicity and gender, even when it just comes to how we experience mental health issues. Time is essential to the progress necessary to healing, but when you are already at an age in your life where you feel you can't be taking too much time, yet you have to find time for so many other things, it can be hard. 

I am also a student, and when it comes to taking responsibility, I too find it so difficult to just simply say no. It may feel selfish, and it may cause you to feel guilty, but all you need is just a spurge of courage in the moment. When you get asked, immediately respond with "I am so sorry, but I have other responsibilities at hand, even if I wanted to, it would be extremely difficult." I also find that once you get used to declining their requests, you also get much more comfortable around them, because you able to express yourself much better. Just take a deep breath and put yourself first. It's not selfish if it come down to your survival. If you're struggling and they are on holiday, then maybe it's time to reconsider who truly possesses the selfish qualities. I can guarantee it is not you. 

I am so glad that you are choosing to push past stigma and heal your inner child as well. Accomplishing a promise from your youth may cause you to feel great peace and lightness. It may make you feel more accomplished and reunite you with what you think you have lost. I will be rooting for you 🙂

I enjoyed listening to your rant very much,

Yours_truly

[OldFella]

Hi JustBlah, Just remember your dogs love you and I too feel hopeless and alone except for my dog, Its very amazing how they can sense we are struggling...I think they give us the message to keep on going for them, I cannot imagine what would happen to my dog if i wasn't here for her....I just pray every night that tomorrow will be a better day .............

[JustBlah]

Hi OldFello,

Since starting this thread I have made the heartbreaking decision to rehome my dogs. More guilt, but I am at that stage where I have been brutally honest. We live in a unit and due to my depression and anxiety I can't always get out and walk them or clean up after them and that adds to my depression and anxiety. I know people say “but it will help you get out and walk, and they are so good for you”  yes,

I know all of that but for me it has made it worse. A side effect of my medication is stiffness and sore joints and they need exercise and socialising which is not something I am capable of. I am putting this out in all it’s rawness, regardless of judgment because it is the honest truth and there may have been people out there that may have had to do this too. I no longer want to sugar coat things if I am truly wanting to help other people understand how mental illness can be. One of the gifts of mental ill health is that I no longer judge anyone. 

Love to all no matter

[OldFella]

Hi JustBlah, So sorry to hear you have chose to go this way, I have considered this many times myself with my dog, in fact about 2 months ago my doctor wanted to hospitalize me but I refused saying my dog needed me...I couldn't leave her alone, so to me this gave me the will and strength to carry on a bit longer. I really feel for you . Its a very hard decision I know for sure...and only people in our situation would understand.........how I hate this silent killer depression..........Yes your words are correct about love to all........God Bless.......