Struggling

[Mullows]

This is my first discussion as I have tried everything I thought that this might help. About 6 years ago my wife left me because I was away for work too much and I took it so badly I tried to take my own life and from there because I had depression it took me 2 years to even get to see my kids unsupervised. Around that time my father was diagnosed with cancer and I took on the role of his primary caregiver which was the hardest job I have ever done. In short we became best mates and he fought the hardest fight I have ever seen the human body fight against and unfortunately he passed away 4 months into Covid and again I tried to take my own life as my kids had stopped talking to me for reasons I wish I understood and they were surrounded by my ex wife’s family who I could only imagine said nothing but bad things about me. So again I tried to take my own life and came close but was back in the same battles. I am struggling to even leave the house and am scared of my own shadow, I live on my own but I’m not really living I’m just surviving with no love or happiness in my life….

[therising]

Hi Mullows

My heart goes out to you as you face so many losses, especially the loss of your dad which is just so heartbreaking, given how close the 2 of you became. I can't help but wonder whether he became a significant guide for you in some way. Doubly impacting would be to lose not just a friend but a guide in life as well.

I don't think it's possible to do life without guides, especially the darkest parts of our life. As a 53yo gal, it's taken me decades to reach that conclusion. With people being so different, some will seek guidance through friends and/or family, some will seek guidance through a guidance counselor, some will seek it through prayer or some form of guidance meditation, some will seek it through tapping into their inner sage, some through their 'go to' people on YouTube, some through certain authors, some through coming here to the forums and the list goes on. I think just as important is realising what is not constructive guidance. My harsh inner critic is definitely not a good guide, neither is a family member who's degrading at times. Someone who's leading me off track in regard to self improvement is also not the best guide.

I think we're born with some kind of inner compass/guidance system (aka feelings). May sound a bit silly but I can't deny the theory works well at times. While feeling down could be compared to 'everything going south', the feeling of inspiration, guidance that feels like exactly what we need and the feeling that comes with certain positive mind altering revelations could be regarded as feeling/getting a sense of 'true north'. 'Standing still, going nowhere' also has a feel to it and I must say it feels like a form of torture at times. A simple way to test the theory could involve getting onto YouTube, for example. Key in anything in the way of constructive guidance in some area and see what comes up. Click on anything of interest and then see how each view feels. Some will feel boring, some will feel completely wrong and some will feel north-like. If you find enough north-like ones by the same person, that YouTube person may end up being one of your go to people for the period of time in which you need them. Not saying everything they talk about will resonate but they'll generally become a pretty good resource in regard to moving forward in a northerly direction. Pick a guide who makes you laugh or one that answers life's deeper questions (philosopher) or one that leads you to understand how your brain and chemistry work or one the leads to some greater understanding of grief etc etc. Take your pick.

'I just don't know how to do life anymore' can be phrased and felt in so many different ways. In the absolute depths of depression, rock bottom, it is something that can be felt as just so incredibly soul destroying. Having experienced rock bottom, I can relate to how soul destroying it can feel. There is nothing that compares to that feeling. There is also nothing that compares to when, in such darkness, someone comes to shed some light to show us the way out.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest 7175,

Thank you for sharing what you are going through. We’re truly sorry to hear about the immense pain and challenges you have been facing over the years. It takes a great deal of courage to share your expereinces, and we want you to know that you're not alone in this. It's clear that you're been through a lot and it's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. 

We’re glad that you could share this with our community. If you'd like some more immediate support with this, please reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or online here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/

If you're feeling like you may be unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, it's important to get some help. If you have a treating team, contact them. If you’re not sure who to call, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. If there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call 000.

Thank you again for sharing with the community. We hope this can be a safe and welcoming space for you.

Kind Regards,
Sophie M