Struggling with husband who refuses to seek help: PND & GAD?

KazP · ‎28-07-2020

Hello,

I'm writing in hopes of getting some help from people who have been in a similar experience or are knowledgeable on PND and GAD. My husband has not been professionally diagnosed, but has admitted to being anxious all the time and has struggled to connect with our 1.5 year old when she was born, and now our 3 week old son, so I am suspecting this is what he may have. I have been with him for 11 years, we have been married for 3 and we are both in our mid-late 20's. Through this time my husband has struggled to hold a job for more than a year due to the fact he believes he deserves more and wants to make a bigger difference in the world. He is currently not working and hasn't been for the past 6 months. When he was a toddler his dad passed away from an overdose and so was raised (with his two older brothers) by his verbally and emotionally manipulative mother - he is still in constant contact with her, but I refuse to have someone like that in my life. To make things worse we live with my parents as neither of us are working and I think that really affects his self esteem as he isn't providing for his family and is relying on someone else. I love him and I'm happy to work through his problems with him, but he REFUSES to seek help as he thinks getting a job will help his problem - this has not worked in the past. He lashes out with anger, abusive words and is emotionally manipulative when he has his extreme lows. This is becoming extremely difficult for me to deal with on a daily basis. He needs help. I need help. I'm not sure what to do. I keep thinking life would be easier if we weren't together; but the last thing he needs right now is a disconnect from the only support he has.

Thanks for listening.

ecomama · ‎28-07-2020

Oh dear what a sad story KazP.

Welcome to the forums and I really hope you receive some great support and food for thought at least.

CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your baby!

By PND do you mean Post Natal Depression? yours?

And Generalised Anxiety Disorder? meaning his?
Just wanting to get this clear from the get go.

Tbh I'm more concerned about you! I'm so glad you reached out for support and I hope you keep posting here as you travel forwards.

Rest assured your identity remains anonymous but I need to ask a few more questions, if you wouldn't mind sharing, if not, that's okay too....

Does H have any substance abuse issues? eg alcohol, meds, drugs?
I'm quite concerned about some behaviours of Hs ie erratic mood swings, employment attitude, not bonding with babies, abuse to you (which is 1st in the list).

Try to look after yourself and your babies PRIMARILY. You 3 are your first and foremost concerns.

Once you get back, perhaps we can nut through some ideas.

Love EM

White_Rose · ‎28-07-2020

Hello KazP

Welcome. Glad you came. As EM has said, I hope we can help you. I am also interested in the answers to EM's questions.

It seems to me that children often copy a parent's behaviour. Not always of course but in many cases or they become the opposite. From what you have said I wonder how much of his mom's behaviour he has absorbed. Refusing to get help may come under this because it means you will stay and care for him. Please don't be offended by my comments. This is merely my observations in life and I have been around a long time.

Often getting a job and providing for the family is a great help for someone who is depressed but I gather this is not the case. He does not stay in a job for long I understand. Is this right? I think the answer to his various difficulties is deeper than GAD. Would you look at the information BB has to offer please. You will find it under The Facts at the top of the page and also under Get Support. You can download this information and perhaps print it to show your husband.

I think you should get a referral to a psychiatrist from your GP and have a chat about your needs and H needs. The psych will be able to help you work out ways of managing before the whole thing gets out of hand. With two babies to care for you need clear guidelines to manage your husband effectively. What do your parents think of H?

Please do what you can to help your husband in this way. The psych may be able to get your husband the help he so desperately needs. And you also need support in this very difficult situation.

Mary

Rozie · ‎30-07-2020

Hi KazP,

Well done for sharing your story here,

I feel as you two are young parents it is common to feel bit challenging to bond with your kids, which can happen due to several reasons. Kids are precious but they take lots of our energy so dont think you are alone here.

Understanding your husband's current financial situation is very insightful and I recommend you talk with your kids' nurse or GP to connect with a social worker if you feel you need more comprehensive support. You can also access to a social worker via Centrelink sometimes it may take time. As you are facing abusive treatments from him and especially with kids you can feel so vulnerable. But have hope this situation can change. only thing you need to get help what is around there.

I feel your husband will start feeling good about himself and will treat you and kids better once he gets a job so talk to contact centrelink to get that help. then you ll be able to move out from your mom s place if things are better. right now I think staying with your parents is an ideal for your situation.

good luck

White_Rose · ‎03-08-2020

Hello KazP

How are you going? It's been a few days since you posted here and I wondered how you are keeping. Have any of these posts been useful to you? Perhaps you can talk a bit more to us.

Mary