Struggling big time

[Doolhof]

I never did understand the "staying in bed all day, unable to do anything issue" but I do now! It seems to be all I want to do recently, that and cry, and feel really angry.

I'm starting to really hate my husband too so that isn't helping much. Now I am talking about wanting to leave him, he is telling me I have problems! I suggested that maybe if he took me away for a weekend instead of his beer drinking mates I might be a little happier with our relationship.

He hasn't worked for nearly two years, just living off his payout, sitting in front of the t.v. and the computer all day. I am out working, keeping the house clean, looking after the garden and trying to fire proof our 5 acre property. I ask for help with the house work and he tells me that vacuuming hurts his back and he doesn't know how to mop!

He told me off for buying $7.00 in postage stamps but he has just spent a week drinking and holidaying in Brisbane with some mates!

Yesterday I was yelling and screaming abuse at a lady at a service station because she was buying up her groceries in the servo instead of paying for her fuel and moving her car first. I went into the servo yelling out like a lunatic as to who owned the car. I don't know what I would have done if it had been a huge biker looking dude! I probably still would have yelled abuse at him.

This depression is a cruel and brutal illness. I've certainly had enough. Where is the OFF BUTTON, the ESCAPE ROUTE and the way out of this LIVING HELL? I don't know any more!

I'm going to see my Dr again on Tuesday and dear hubby said he will come along as well. He thinks that pills are the only answer. That a tablet will fix everything. Medication does help, but so does TLC and a little attention form your husband. Why is he so damn blind to the fact that all I need is a little bit of his time and it will make a load of difference?

Now I am hating him. I feel it is too late for our marriage. To stay or go is the next big question! I don't have the answer to anything right now. It is all too difficult.

Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear Mrs Dools

I’m sorry to hear about this situation – but for you to come and write this, and give some very recent examples, I’m fearing that there is much more happening as well in the lead up;  and that these latest things were pretty much the straw that broke the packy-derms back.  Which is not a good way to be (for you and that much beloved camel).

Now don’t get me wrong, when I can be, I’m as lazy as the next man, but I honestly don’t think I could sit in front of a TV and computer all day – that would drive me nuts – but then again, it’d be a funny old world if we were all the same.  So I can understand your frustration in that you are working and then to come home to a house that possibly looked the same way it did when you left, or possibly worse.  And for you to have already spoken to him about this and he has his stock-standard answers as well.  Not good.

I guess for the servo incident it was a case of wrong place at the wrong time for both yourself and the lady.

It’s interesting that hubby is coming along to the dr’s appointment with you.  Has he done that before?   Did you ask him to come along?

With regard to your marriage, I would definitely not be making any decisions of such magnitude at this current time.  I don’t want to sound harsh here, but with how you’re feeling at the present time, it could be very easy to jump to an answer or decision purely out of anger or spite or frustration.  It might be good to see how things are when the dust settles a bit.   You’re getting along to your Dr, and that’s great, but not sure of your relationship with your Dr – but even if it’s a good one, discussing marriage splitting up may not be so good with hubby there.

Have you a counsellor or therapist that you see;  or that you can make an appointment for?

I do hope to hear back from you on this Mrs Dools;  and I’m very sure that you’ll be receiving other responses on this also.

Kind regards

Neil

[CrashCoyote]

Hello Mrs Dools,

I just wanted to send my support. I cannot do more for you than you are doing for yourself.

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear Mrs. Dools, you are caught up in a predicament with too many difficult decisions to consider, let alone have to make.

Pills can try and balance our brains, OK some work and some don't, but it's just not taking a pill that will help us (you) back to normality, because there are so many other issues that have to be taken into account, and each and everyone of these has to work together or individually as long as it's in a positive direction, which is not happening for you.

Firstly you are really in no condition to be working, I realise that money is needed, but the responsibilities you have to take on board is far too much, working in the house and then working on a property is a hell of a lot extra work, while your hubby sits, drinks and plays on the computer.

I would like to ask you a question, I'm sorry, but how did you feel about your marriage/husband 6 months or even 12 months ago.

I am in two minds about your husband going with you to see your doctor, because I tend to believe that he will just ask for more medication for you to take, or for you to be admitted to hospital, but that's what you don't want, because when you are discharged nothing at home would have changed.

Mrs. Dools all of us are worried for you, as nothing is working for you, but I hope you can get back to us and maybe with an answer. L Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your support and care, it means so very much to me. While I was checking out any responses to my post here, I was deeply saddened to see all of the other messages people have posted!

Has there always been so many depressed people out there, or are we breeding like rabbits!

Geoff, I am presuming my husband is coming along to the Dr to ensure I leave with a script for medication and to ensure the Dr and I are aware how much my depression is affecting him. He will also take me next door to the chemist to ensure I have the medication ready to start the next morning.

I should be thankful he cares enough to come along, it would just be nice if he could do it for reasons other than ensuring the right thing is done by him!

I think I really started giving up on our marriage about 4 months ago. I have tried so darn hard for years to keep things going. For the last 3 or 4 years my husband refers to us as "friends living together".

By that notion am I to understand that I am free to pursue love and happiness with another guy? If we are just "friends" what kind of commitment does that give us to each other?

Friends is better than being enemies, but it doesn't really do my self esteem or my heart much good!

Maybe I will go out and get a puppy and love that to death! A dog might be a little less compromising than a boyfriend! Ha. Ha. I have all this love and care to give away, but my husband no longer wants or needs it.

Time for some fresh air, I'm going to go down and let the chooks out for a run and give them a hug too! 

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Anny]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Good luck tomorrow at the doctors , let us know how it goes. Hope you're feeling better.

Anny x

[geoff]

dear Mrs. Dools, well you know that we love you and a puppy would be an excellent idea because they always show their affection even when we are in tears.

From what your husband has said ' the last 3 or 4 years my husband refers to us as friends living together' isn't a good indication, and the big question is 'can it ever change again'. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mrs Dools

Geoff has provided you with an interesting question in his last post (I should have said latest post, cause every time I see the words last post, I want to stand to attention and think of the fallen diggers).

Do you think your marriage can ever get back to a ‘wonderful thing and loving relationship?’

Do you think your husband would want that?

Do you want that?

I’ve gotta now ask – how many chooks do you have?

I might have mentioned to you before, that our little suburban backyard, all pretty much due to our beautiful 13yo daughter who is in love with all animals – except for mosquitos and leaches – we have:  two dogs, 2 bunnies, 3 chooks,  6 fish (4 in one pond and 2 in another);  and one budgie.  So I’m always intrigued and interested to hear where others have animals of any description.

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi Anny,

The Dr has put me on some different antidepressants which will also help me with my chronic pain and with stress, so I will see how they go.

Just as I had presumed, my husband told the Dr. he had to do something to help me because he couldn't cope with my depression any longer and it was not fair on him!

I wanted to yell out that he was the cause of a lot of my depression but decided that was a pointless exercise.

I don't know if I have the guts to leave him, so I need to make the most of what I have here and to make my life the best it can be for me. That is the plan now. If my relationship with my husband improves along the way, that will be a bonus.

I also saw the counsellor lady and she has given me phone numbers to enquire about Couples Counselling so I will see what I can organise there.

It has been quite a day of thinking and considering and my brain is tired. Ha. Ha.

I did take the time to smell the roses literally today and found the roses outside of the library have a beautiful perfume. The Tour Down Under Bike Race was in town as well so I watched the riders go past a couple of times, that was interesting for a few fleeting moments.

The counsellor has given me a book to read on Lost and Grieving so I have started that.

Thanks for your post. Hope you are doi9ng okay,

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Dear Geoff,

Hi. Thanks for your comments. Sometimes I feel like I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. Some days I really want to leave and start again, other days I hope things will improve.

A few friends have recommended that if I still consider leaving, to look into things first before I just shoot through. To look into where I might go is certainly a good suggestion and then to consider how I will be able to afford to rent a place on my own and if I can receive any Government assistance is also a good starting point.

I have been thinking about a puppy, but have no idea about dogs at all! I have always had cats. When I was at the beach on Sunday, there were hundreds of dogs there, all so very different from each other. Their owners had different ways of dealing with their dogs as well!

I was hoping to have some time to discuss issues with my husband this weekend but he has invited friends to stay for the long weekend and then a second couple from interstate to stay on the Tuesday!

I explained to him that I am trying a new medication and have no idea how I will react to it so a house full of people may not be a good idea. His answer was "So what do you want me to do about it?" Is it just me or does he really not get what is going on here!

As we were leaving the Drs today, my r said that if I need any help at all, to just call the surgery and he will make an appointment for me. If that doesn't work, then for me to go to the hospital again. At least he gets what is going on!

Thanks for your care and help, from Mrs. Dools