Still struggling

Cee123 · ‎10-06-2021

I'm having more and more days where I feel like I can't go on... I don't know how to cope anymore. Mornings are harder than ever. Nights are lonelier than ever. Everything feels pointless and grey. I am socially isolated (except for my family). I have no meaning or purpose. I can't get out of bed, it's a struggle just to do basic things. And now I'm getting harassed by Centrelink who think that I can work even though I clearly can't, I have a damn doctor's certificate and an exemption from looking for work. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I haven't been answering my phone. I haven't been doing much of anything. I am REALLY bad at the moment. If they want, they can cut me off, I'm done. And damn anxiety doesn't help. I'll just live with no money, living off my parents at 35 years of age. I don't have any shame anymore because I'm genuinely struggling (and I know that, and my family knows that) and I can't handle anything. People can call me worthless and a freeloader all they want because they don't understand what I'm going through and will never understand. They can judge me and hate me all they want. I only want to be alone anyway. If I can't do it, then I just can't do it. I'm not going to try and come up with reasons why I can't do it just to please other people. I have genuinely tried to function. But I just can't. And medication isn't helping. Therapy hasn't helped me EVER.

I've tried reaching out to other people with depression but nobody EVER replies. And most of those people are 12 to 16 years of age. I ask other people around my age what helps them, what helps them to get through each day, what helps keep them motivated and they say it's their kids that give their life meaning, it's their kids that give them a purpose. Well that doesn't help me because I don't have any kids. And that also makes me depressed - feeling that I missed out on marriage and having kids and because of my age and what little I have in life - nobody wants to know me or speak to me anymore. I am a broken person. I only have my dog and she is almost on her last legs. When she goes I dont know what I'm going to do with my time.

I just can't do it... I'm feeling like I can't go on. I haven't told anybody this. And I haven't spoken to anybody because I don't want to burden them or bring them down as well. I feel like a failure and a burden and all I want to do is curl up and lay in bed all day. I've been finding things to take my mind off it like gardening. But I've been tired

Sophie_M · ‎10-06-2021

Hi, Cee123,

We're sorry to hear that you are struggling so much and finding it very hard to cope. We understand that you think everything is pointless and believe that you have no purpose. Isolation must be very difficult, particularly as you are trying to connect with others who are of like mind, in your age group. Centrelink can definitely be challenging to deal with, especially when you need to take care of yourself. Anxiety, money issues, getting to the point of no shame, the potential of people thinking that you are worthless, or a freeloader must be taking its toll on you. It sounds like there is so much pressure on you.

We recognise that therapy hasn't helped you, however we have contacted you privately to offer you support. Sometimes, something as simple as a yarn can be the best support that one needs. You can also reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), when things get way too much.

There is also Beyond Blue Support Service who available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone and we are here to support you.

Cee123 · ‎10-06-2021

All I've been doing lately is gardening, and taking care of the lawn. But I've been very tired and lethargic. I've been putting on weight because I haven't been exercising. Except yesterday I went to the gym. The weather has been too bad to do anything. I feel like I'm making excuses all the time. I don't know why I can't function like other people. They have everything together and I just can't do it. God knows how much I've tried over the years. When things went to crap, all my so called "friends" left and I continued to become more isolated and alone in my life. Now everyone is busy with their wives and kids and I feel like a burden to everybody. I go out, but nobody wants to know me. I might get the occasional interaction with someone but I never know what to talk about and it just falls flat. I'm lucky my family accept me. Because without them I don't know where I'd be. Probably dead. And I know that sounds bad, but I don't have any other options. I've been so lonely for so long, and struggling with depression for so long. I've tried everything to make my life better but it's been a failure after failure. And I am at a crossroads, and I just feel like there's no hope. There's no hope anymore. Since my life fell apart a decade ago, I haven't been able to put it back together. I'm so alone, there's no one who understands me. I have people asking me why I'm not working, why I'm not married. But honestly, I don't feel like I should have to explain anything to anyone. I've been struggling for a long time. And I'm just at the point where I'm falling through the cracks. There's nothing that helps. I'm grateful to everyone whose tried to help me over the years. But I dont know what's left or what else to do anymore.

Cee123 · ‎10-06-2021

I'm sorry for my bad mood and negativity this morning. But it helped to get that off my chest.

jtjt_4862 · ‎10-06-2021

Hi Cee123,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way about yourself, and it's okay to be feeling this way as well. Your feelings are valid, and it certainly does help when you let go all the bottled up thoughts and emotions. You're always welcomed here to vent or let out some steam. The forums is a safe space, filled with supportive and loving people. I'm really happy that you are able to share your story here too. It really takes great courage and bravery to be able to do something like that given how much you've suffered for such a long time. I'm here to listen to you Cee123, and you're never alone.

I can understand the frustration as well when you mentioned that you really want to feel better, but cannot find the answers or relate to people that are of different age groups to you. I've been in a similar situation myself, and it drives me nuts whenever I cannot find the answers to the question that I've been seeking an answer for. Everyone has a unique story of their own, and as they share their stories and experiences (much like how you share yours), it is up to ourselves to decide how we want to steer our story. The forum is filled with a lot of unique stories, each carrying their own lessons/experiences that others can learn from. Whether it relates to them, it is up to them to interpret how relevant it is to themselves. Just like a piece of art. How you interpret an art piece is completely up to the viewer.

You mentioned you do gardening and taking care of lawn. Do you enjoy doing gardening? It's okay to be tired and lethargic, gardening does take a fair amount of effort to do. And do you have any hobbies that you'd like to do or try?

Jt

therising · ‎11-06-2021

Hi Cee123

I feel for you so deeply. When no one has the ability to relate, depression can feel like an incredibly lonely and deeply frustrating experience. In a nutshell, depression can become depressing.

While my experience with depression lasted about 15 years, ending some time ago, I can still easily recall many of the frustrations and disappointments that came with it. I can also recall the mind altering levels. How I hated the levels and the impact they had. It was like going from basically depressed to more depressed to even more depressed, before hitting the absolute depths of depression. No one knows what it's like to hit the very depths unless they've been there. Extreme mental torture is an understatement. It's like the people around you simply see you in a depression, they don't feel the levels like you do.

I'm wondering if anyone's ever led you to look at depression from 3 different perspectives

Mentally, words have an enormous impact, whether these words come from external or internal sources. A lack of the right words coupled with an abundance of the wrong words or dialogue can severely distort perception. Hearing 'You are hopeless, you're a waste of space, you're lazy, you're messed up/broken or faulty' is definitely depressing to try and live with. What if someone said 'Do you know who you naturally are? Have you ever truly known?' I've found it pays to trigger a sense of wonder people typically don't lead us to. It's like a quest for the truth, with the right questions leading the way
Physically/biologically/chemically, we're a big bag of complex energy and chemistry. If we're sensitive enough, we'll feel the shifts, especially a lack of energy. With a lack of energy, even the greatest motive can't get you motivated. If the energy's not there, it's not there. Energy input is key
Naturally, the less light/enlightenment we're given, the darker things become. It took me 15 years before I found the kind of light that would take me out of depression. That's definitely a long time to wait for mind altering enlightenment. Enlightenment is not just some sort of magical epiphany, it's also about shedding light on the nature of a lot of the depressing mental programs we've grown up with yet never saw faults in

No longer being a people pleaser is true progress, especially when you consider who you're trying to please. Are these the kind of people raising you or bringing you down? Given the choice, how would you like people to raise you?

🙂

Petal22 · ‎11-06-2021

Hi Cee123,

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way it must be a very difficult condition….

You could be feeling this way now but in time you could be in a totally different head space…… please hold onto HOPE, hope that you CAN recover….

I had severe anxiety OCD and I have now recovered….. 4 years going strong…

I know our conditions are different but one thing I would always tell myself was that I was going to recover, I was going to live a full and amazing life…. My mental health journey was a marathon but it’s a marathon I won! You can too just hang in there……. tell yourself positive things about yourself! Have the belief that good days are coming your way…

you can still meet someone amazing, I’m sure you have an amazing future awaiting for you just keep telling yourself good things…..

here to chat to you

OngoingJourney · ‎12-06-2021

Hi Cee,

Firstly, I want to thank u for your posts. Voicing the depth of ur difficulties to urself n' then others is no easy task, takes a tremendous amount of courage n' energy. This morning I was in the depths of despair n' visualised myself reaching out n' holding hands with others who're going through d' same right now somewhere in d' world. It got me to ur thread.

OngoingJourney · ‎12-06-2021

Secondly, I want to emphasise what a few others have mentioned here - you're not alone. I live with my folks too since my divorce in 2018. Am older than u at 37 years, do rare freelance work since resigning in 2017. No Centrelink to handle as I'm kiwi so no financial assistance (though I sometimes feel I have no place/country since I'm not NZ born n' due to my obvious skin colour I often get reminded about it). During this period, I looked for jobs, tried hard to make some friends here n' develop myself incl my spiritual connection. Always volunteered, still do. I've managed to developed some resiliency skills. My dark periods sometimes aren't as severe. Even if they are, they don't last as long as weeks, months or yrs. Having dealt with depression n' suicidal thoughts since childhood, those patterns still come though n' it still sucks! Sometimes, it sucks so much that, like u, I think I have no hope. But I think both of us deep within ourselves have even a tiny bit of hope, even if we can't or don't want to see it at the time. We both have an inner strength that's beyond words. Otherwise, we wouldn't get out of bed, do gardening or gym even if it's one time, or be on here. You aren't useless. U look after urself the best u can, ur bestie (so great u hv such love from her), ur garden, n' probably do much more than u realise. Sometimes I think that's just not enough too, others 'do' far more. It's actually more than enough when ur whole being is in pain. And we have to get our mind out of comparing because we don't know if truly d' grass is greener. I also feel angry that I feel I have to show my worth by how much I 'do'. We don't have to believe that, despite society unhealthily cultivating that since we're kids. I also deal with d' anger, shame, frustration n' despair of living off folks at my age when it 'should' be d' other way around. It's tough n' I don't have answers on how to deal with it apart from trying to remember they would rather support u than not n' to try to receive d' love they give - u would do d' same if roles were reversed. Be kind n' gentle with urself when ur hurting, slowly one step at a time be and do things that lift you up - e.g. water n' nature helps everyone I think. When u don't, try to give yourself permission to just to 'be'. Then u will with time get to a point where u have more energy n' can 'do' more things that are important to you incl perhaps being financially independent. Sending loving energy ur way.

bluenight · ‎12-06-2021

Hi Cee,

Don't put too much pressure on yourself or be too hard on yourself with your current situation. You have mental illness and you and I know if you felt that you could get over all this you would in a heartbeat God willing.

I was in a very similar position to you, I've read some of your other posts. I'm in a much better place now, thanks to God. Take baby steps , but try to keep moving forward, I'd love to chat more with you if you like , Anyway, hope you are going okay.