Staying strong for others, not myself.

[Girl_Anachronism]

So dear Jo asked how I was but I felt bad about taking over her thread. I would have posted on ymy old thread except I promised I would start a new one. Even if today is far from good, I wanted to live up to some promise I made.

I'm not good today. I am feeling like breaking down due to pressures from my favourite pressure points that I haven't dealt with this past year and I am torn about what to do about it. I want to practice the techniques my psych taugh tme but the monsters are resisiting hard today. Every moment that I don't do them just gives them more strength. That leads to more indecision and...well.  This leads to a vicous cycle of thoughts I am trapped in at the moment.  Add to that there is housework I should have done but haven't and despite sleeping all day after being sleep deprived, I am still exhausted. If I crawl into bed I will be giving up on getting anything done which is tossing another steak to my monsters. At the same time I don't know if I can do any good not in bed.

I can't breakdown though because I am worried about my friend who is extremely ill right now and my husband is not doing great. So I am going to keep an eye on him tonight and take him to the doctors tomorrow. Other people need me to be strong, to be here and present so I am. It all feels like a layer of ice though, underneath which is a heaving ocean.

I am tossed around by all these emotions and thoughts. They all feel so real. At the same time all I can think is that right now my good friend is fasting for a life threatening operation to remove a tumour. She has all these real problems and I'm sitting here unable to get up and do the dishes because I'm to weak to even do that. I just keep thinking that if there is any power in the universe, to take the sickness from her. She is such a lovely person, she doesn't deserve what she is going through right now. Give it to me, if someone has to get sick, to die. I'll take it. Just leave her be.

None of this I'd feel right about saying out loud. Like I said, I have to be strong for her. I feel it though. Then I feel bad for feeling it, i feel bad for feeling bad...

Vicous circles and all that.

So yeah, I'm not conflicted and not good today.

GA

[Katy100]

Hi GA,

You're a great writer.  

Being a single person, I'm not going to say much about your husband ... but I will say that I find being single has its advantages.  

How much do you love him?  

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

You know sometimes when we see people that have a physical illness people understand and have sympathy.

But with mental illness I believe that it doesn't show like a physical illness so therefore people assume that we can just "get over it".  

We can't just "get over it"; it's not that easy because with the depression comes all the different emotions and abuse (verbal or emotional) and it is damn hard.

From you wrote about your husband I feel that he is not understanding.  Has he come with you to a psych session or to the GP to hear what they say about your mental illness? Sorry I can't remember if you wrote about that before.

GA, I don't want to pry or upset you even more - but just have a think - do you still love him? how much do you love him?  You can't live with him and stay in a marriage and "pretend" to be happy for him.  Because it doesn't work like that. You can't hide emotions from him.

No, no, no your options are NOT death.  Pls GA don't even think of that option.  You are much stronger than that.  Don't let your husband make you think that this is the option for you. 

Pls GA I wish I could be there for you right now and give you a big HUG. No one needs to go through this on their own. 

I understand the stress you must have with finances; especially driving 1 hr up and 1 hr back to see your psych.  That would take a lot of fuel for your car.  I understand the stress you are in.  

GA, don't blame yourself for the breakup.  Your husband has a lot of blame for this.  

I am thinking and sending you my best wishes, pls take care, 

Hope to chat again soon

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Guys,

Thankyou so much for the support and sorry for the silence but after my last post I went for a walk to the park, broke down and cried on the phone to beyondblue. I have been in hospital for the past week with no internet. I am now on day leave, thus why I am able to post again.

I am getting help from the psych team and have the constant watch of the hospital at night so I am out of danger. Also started on new meds which after a bad first day reaction seem to be ok. Moving up the dosage in a few days.

GA

[Katy100]

Hey, GA.  

That sounds pretty good ... new meds going well.  Help from the psych team ... out of danger ... 

Awesome ... 

How are you feeling?  

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Katy,

At the moment I feel abit transient about the whole situation. Not really living one place and sleeping somewhere else. Not sure if I am part of society again yet. People keep telling me to give myself time but when I am in an up mood I feel like I am capable and it is a waste of time me not contributing time towards learning something or....anything at all. In bad or anxious moods, I just feel like I can't do anything and I need to be in hospital if I am to be breathing at all.

So...not sure. Sort of caught between things at the moment.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Hey there, was great to hear from you.  Like so many others, I've been wondering and worried about how you've been.

It's so good to hear back from you and that you are in a 'safe' place.  I hope that you're finding it ok and that you're being provided with all the support you need.

New meds should be a good thing and once they've gotten into your system I sure hope (no doubt, just like you) that they do their thing and make you feel better.

Amazingly, this is not a long one from me, just a quick one to say "Hi" and I know you're probably not going to get this for a little while, until you have computer access, but just letting you know that myself and a whole host of others have you in our thoughts.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neill,

SInce I am on Dayleave I am online every day, just not at night. Given I am three hours behind most of you that would be a fun equation to work out.

The new meds are working out so far, there were some bad effects on hte first day but after sleeping it off, even the headaches have gone so I am now symptom free. They are probably upping the dose in a few days. Last night I still had to take the old sleeping tablets to sleep but I found out a few more family secrets, so I was more than a little stressed.

I am touched that anyone would think of me while I was away, but know that I was also worried about the posts from people I could be helping while I was offline.

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I am so glad that the new meds are working for you.   I am glad that you are safe. Please take care of yourself

I am thinking of you, actually just thought to myself before you posted - i wonder how GA is going? so I'm glad you posted,

I hope you have a good night sleep tonight.

Take care, and I am thinking of you

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Update:

I keep being told by everyone to take out for myself but it's just not an easy thing to do. My harshest critic is myself. I think that I should have gotten over this already. Or some part of me does. Probably scripts from my upbringing.

Two more family secrets came to light recently showing the extent to which one of my sisters has been affected. Depressed and anxious as I may be at least I am not hallucinating night terrors like she is. She literally has to sleep with a baseball bat next to her bed. Worst bit is she won't hear of seeing someone about it. She has seen someone in the past (and not told the family due to shame) and thinks she has dealt with it.

I never thought that I would feel like the sane one in the family while being admitted to a mental hospital. On one level I am not alone (yay?) but at the same time it just reignites the fire of rage I have against my father. The thought of what he has put us all through and is still doing to us from a continent away makes  feel more violent towards him than I have ever felt towards anyone.

I barely raise my voice. I just don't do violence. This just isn't me. I just don't know myself anymore. How can you exist and not know who you are? I don't even have a baseline here.

What scares me most is the thought that I am changing. What if I change into something, somebody I don't like?

I don't even know if this is making any sense.

GA