Staying strong for others, not myself.

Girl_Anachronism · ‎16-01-2014

So dear Jo asked how I was but I felt bad about taking over her thread. I would have posted on ymy old thread except I promised I would start a new one. Even if today is far from good, I wanted to live up to some promise I made.

I'm not good today. I am feeling like breaking down due to pressures from my favourite pressure points that I haven't dealt with this past year and I am torn about what to do about it. I want to practice the techniques my psych taugh tme but the monsters are resisiting hard today. Every moment that I don't do them just gives them more strength. That leads to more indecision and...well. This leads to a vicous cycle of thoughts I am trapped in at the moment. Add to that there is housework I should have done but haven't and despite sleeping all day after being sleep deprived, I am still exhausted. If I crawl into bed I will be giving up on getting anything done which is tossing another steak to my monsters. At the same time I don't know if I can do any good not in bed.

I can't breakdown though because I am worried about my friend who is extremely ill right now and my husband is not doing great. So I am going to keep an eye on him tonight and take him to the doctors tomorrow. Other people need me to be strong, to be here and present so I am. It all feels like a layer of ice though, underneath which is a heaving ocean.

I am tossed around by all these emotions and thoughts. They all feel so real. At the same time all I can think is that right now my good friend is fasting for a life threatening operation to remove a tumour. She has all these real problems and I'm sitting here unable to get up and do the dishes because I'm to weak to even do that. I just keep thinking that if there is any power in the universe, to take the sickness from her. She is such a lovely person, she doesn't deserve what she is going through right now. Give it to me, if someone has to get sick, to die. I'll take it. Just leave her be.

None of this I'd feel right about saying out loud. Like I said, I have to be strong for her. I feel it though. Then I feel bad for feeling it, i feel bad for feeling bad...

Vicous circles and all that.

So yeah, I'm not conflicted and not good today.

GA

Katy100 · ‎18-01-2014

GA, are you still around?

Neil_1 · ‎18-01-2014

GA,

I'm with Katy on this one ... are you close by?

GA ... this is so so important. You can't be doing this ... you have got to make several pacts. Not just one ... firstly with your husband; then with your GP, and I don't care who they are, but also with your BFF, yes, your Best Friend Forever (I think that's how it goes) ... 3 pacts that you must contact EACH of these people if you feel like doing what you've described so much in your last post.

Please please ... can you do this?

Please don't go near the river again. This is how I lost my brother ... they're worse than dangerous ... please tell me in your next post to me, that you won't go near that river again. There is no right spot and there is no good time.

GA, at the top of this page is the Beyond Blue crisis number. PLEASE use it ... that's what it's there for. If you don't feel like talking, then use the web chat line ... these unbelievable people are there till 10pm each night.

Can I ask whether you know how the operation went? It might be too early, but I hope it was a success.

Hoping that you can reply to us soon GA.

My thoughts are with you and I'm sending you a HUGE electronic hug {GA} (ok, they look like shakey arms, so I'll try this ... [GA] there that looks a more sturdy and stronger hug.

Neil

Jo3 · ‎18-01-2014

Hi GA,

I agree with Neil & Katy, can you pls pls contact the number for BB and chat with someone. They will help you get through this period.

GA, you have helped me so so much and i want to help you now. Pls don't go to the river again, pls contact us and let us know that you are okay.

I know it is difficult but we are all worried about you and care for you. We are your friends here and we care so much.

I agree with Neil - is there any chance of seeing your GP earlier?

I hope you can come on here soon to say you're okay.

Thinking of you

Jo xx

Girl_Anachronism · ‎18-01-2014

The operation was a success. They managed to get all the tumour out of her brain. Still not sure if there were any consequences or damage from the operation, but signs look good.

I asked for some alone time out of a fit of stupidity and now my husband won't talk to me or be in the same room for extended amounts of time. It's what I asked for but now he won't stop. I am afraid I am have made him so angry and upset.

Jo3 · ‎18-01-2014

Dear GA

I am so happy to read that the operation of your friend was a success. That's great news.

Isn't it crazy when we ask for space how our husbands react.

Pls take care and I hope you can get some peaceful sleep

Chat again, soon

Jo xxx

Girl_Anachronism · ‎18-01-2014

He is slamming things and refused to eat the dinner I cooked, cooking his own. I'm not hugnry myself so I may aswell have thrown that food out.

Now the spare bed has been made up. My marriage is over. The last thing I had and I screwed that up too.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

GA

Katy100 · ‎19-01-2014

Well, GA, that sounds like great news on the operation ... when will you know the results for sure?

How did the photo editing go?

And, most importantly, how are you going NOW?

Have you tried talking to your husband? Is he talking to you? Does he know about your friend's operation?

Neil_1 · ‎19-01-2014

Hi GA

I'm with Katy and Jo with my thoughts towards your friend and the operation; that is GREAT news that it was a success. Obviously they'll be monitoring her and the like to make sure the recovery is ok, but wow, you must be so relieved to know this. Is she far away from where you live? In that, is it an easy enough process to go visit her if you feel the need?

GA, about my earlier post and others who have responded too ... we are ALL concerned so much for you. You know that you can come here and unload as much as you want too. We're here for you and if you'd like us to respond, we will do so.

You're in a really low and dark place GA, but we've got flashlights and we're with you now. If it's a cold dark place, we've got blankets to wrap around you to keep you warm. We've got torches to light up things ... we're here for you ... I hope you believe this, but we've chased the demons away for the moment. GA, they're gone ... we're with you and we're holding you tight ... all your friends from this site are with you. Close your eyes and deep long breathes ... and think of as many of us as you can - I'll try but I so don't want to leave anyone out: Katy, Geoff, Jo, Mares, Lillybell, Chris, HMP, Christopher, Stressless, Scott, Matty and I'm so sorry to others if I've missed you off ... not my intention at all. This is all to GA to show her that we're all with you ... we've beaten off those demons, we're with you and there's so many more from this site as well.

GA, keep your eyes closed, keep your breathing nice and relaxed ... long breaths in, hold and exhale nice and long and slow. Keep thinking of us. Picture something like all of us are together sitting around on comfy chairs outside ... there's a beautiful lawn and gardens; there's birds in the trees whistling their musical songs to each other and we're just there together; shooting the breeze, chatting away, enjoying a coffee, tea, cold water, oj ... you name it ... and we're just together for each other ... for you GA.

My thoughts are with you GA ... please please know this.

Kind regards

Neil

ps: here's an electronic strong hug for you: [[GA]] actually that was a double!

Girl_Anachronism · ‎19-01-2014

Hello All,

I can visit her in hospital but not until after monday. No damage but the looks of it, but still waiting on biopsy.

I ask again, is there a point to seeing my GP? He can't sped up the psych date as far as I know and is not going to put me on any extra meds until I see the psych and determine if i need them. In my financial state the petrol to drive 1 hour each way to him is a substantial imposition I'd rather not have to repeat later in the week.

We had a discussion last night, alot of which was D (my soon to be ex husband) beign very angry and saying rather harsh things. He is stillangry and won't even be in the same room with me except for a cursory good morning this morning. He said I can choose to live or die but he doesn't care which at this point. THat If I wanted to live, he was willing to try the marraige work but he was not going to put up with any more INSERTBADWORDHERE. He said my suicidal ideations and self harm was INSERT SAME BAD WORD HERE. He said I was self indulgent and full of BAD WORD.

So if I decide to live, then I'd have to smile and pretend to be no more than the normal range of mood swings that normal people get? And yet he said he still wants to support me if we go down that path. Calling emotions that I can't control BADWORD is not supporting me! I couldn't hide the emotions from him because that would be lying even by omission and that also is rule that break relationship.

Basically unless I subsctribe to his world view and what he thinks my illness is, I can't continue to be married to him.

So my options are death, a Stepford marraige where I am happy all the time or living but divorcing him and living alone.

Girl_Anachronism · ‎19-01-2014

Hi Katy,

It takes a few days for biopsy and if there is any long term damage it will become apparent in the next few weeks as far as I know.

Yes he did know about her operation- it is a mutual friend. He was as worried as I was about her. Part of the reason he is so angry at me- there are people with real problems and I'm here crying over nothing. Does he not realise that I had the same self hatred for that same reason while still feeling the emotions I hated myself for?

The photos came out OK. Nothing too spectacular.

GA