Stay or go? Life with a depressed partner

[Guest_598]

Hi All,

this might sound really heartless but I am no longer sure what to do. I have been with my husband for 9 years and he has suffered from periodic depression ever since I have known him and likely before. Every year, a crisis triggered by him would spiral us down a dark hole, ending with him saying hurtful things to me, doubting the relationship and me as the right partner and, in the end, he would bring up separation or divorce. For nine years, I have accepted this behaviour and felt for him because whenever he came out of the hole, he said that this was actually not how he felt and that he could not imagine a life without me. However, it has caused me lasting pains and doubts that our relationship dynamics will ever change. Also, he is often so indifferent about everything and I am coming to a point where I wonder whether my basic needs, such as being able to share joy with a special someone, are actually met. I know this sounds quite selfish because he does nice little things for me and when we have a good time, it is great. But I feel that every year, I am happy for 50% and then, after the crisis, I start rebuilding my emotional strength again for the other 50%. And even then I have moments when I sometimes wonder whether we are just too different - or he maybe always affected by some mild depression that keeps him low, indifferent and not very passionate. He is seeing a psychologist and I have been lately, too, because we had another crisis that was very hard for me to deal with. He knows he needs the therapist's help, which is great and I am sure he is slowly making progress. But since this year, I no longer know whether I can wait that long because I assume improvement will take a long time. I am so tired and exhausted by all this and I am so sad when I look back at nine years of nice and terrible times alike. A relationship should not be THAT hard, or should it? I no longer know what to do. I love him but I feel there has been a lot of damage done and most of all, I am just not sure I can continue living my life with a person that seems never happy or satisfied for long. It is like constantly driving on a bumpy road and occasionally you get some patches of smooth ride. I feel I have given my best but I am worried that I will give my needs up for something that will never get better. Especially as he now feels a need for kids and it gets him down because I never wanted them and will not have them. So there's another reason for him to be down.

[white knight]

Hi AG, welcome

A comment my psych said to my wife was a good one..."be careful not to mix personality with mental illness".

He was referring to my then ups and downs...moods that my siblings have. She thought it ran in the family but it was found to be bipolar. All 3 of us kids

So, as a sufferer of MI I'm wondering why the cycle that he has. I hope his or your psych can answer that because it shouldnt be that hard and yes you deserve some stability. In fact you deserve what your heart tells you what you want and your last sentence makes me question your compatibility.

Im afraid I have nothing further to add because it really is in the area of professional medical advice.

You certainly should not even talk about having children and perhaps a time frame of say 18 months without another major upset would give you hope.

Your situation reminded me of my last girlfriend. We were together 10 years. She would get agressive after getting drunk. At 91/2 years we had a big blew and she was drunk. I gave her a final warning. The deal was no more than 2 glasses of wine after work. The deal lasted one week. Slowly I realised I had to split.

It wasnt all bad. It can be rejuvenating. One certainly knows what one wants by the end of the relationship.

Repost anytime. Take care of yourself.

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Topic: guilt the tormentor- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Just_talk]

Hey, Thanks for reaching out, its brave. You guys need to talk about the future and what you both want. I walk away from a 22yr marriage and 3 small kids under 9. Its hard but it became toxic. Is this the man for you? There are so many factors to process but you have to do what you need to and OWN IT. Yep I said it. Look depression is a bitch but as having previously been diagnosed with severe depression I have learned too deal with it. Has you man seen a GP. I wont sway you either way , but trust me you've got this.

[DonPiano]

This sounds exactly like the situation I'm in. I love my wife, but I'm finding myself getting exhausted more often. I also wonder when to start putting ourselves first - which sounds like such a selfish thing to do, but when your life is driven by difficult moments, is it so selfish? I don't know, and I fear addressing that.

I hope you find peace with your relationship and where you need to go from here.

[Just_talk]

Mate Im here always and yes its tough and as I turn 41 today it sucks and feel your pain, but I think you need to ask if this is going to change. I fought it for a while only to end up in heap of hurt. Cheers Anthony

[Stephyy]

I’m in such a similar situation. About 4 months ago now my husband went into a deep depression and told me he was unhappy in our marriage. It was like a switch went off that day and he became a different person. He stopped touching me, kissing me, became so cold and distant. I held on as long as I could but he wanted out and I couldn’t change his mind. I know it’s the depression and he will come out of this and realise he’s made a huge mistake. This isn’t the first time this has happened but I honestly thought the last time would be the last time. I can’t believe someone can walk out of a marriage after 10 years, how someone could hurt me like this. I keep messaging him, hoping he will see this all as a huge mistake, but then I think, what if we did get back together, again, would this always be my life?? This guy who promised to be my forever and always, constantly switching off on me? Surely I deserve better? The worst is he doesn’t think he has depression, he doesn’t see anyone nor will he go on medication. If he doesn’t sort this out he is always going to loose the people he loves most in the world.