Starting the year depressed.

[Aliza221]

Hi everyone. For the past several years - i would say 2017 - till now i have been on a roller coaster of family troubles and depression. Throughout it all, i tried my best to make everyone smile but today i realized: who ever made the effort to make me smile. My social anxiety has sky rocketed, my self confidence drained and my career has hit a brick wall. I am stuck and running in circles, i tried my best to brush it away but everything hit me when i tried something new for once - in a long time -. I decided to take a day for myself and hit the M7 bicycle track. It was wonderful and i haven't felt genuine peace like that in years. But with peace came the reality of my life.

I warned myself i would change this year and i plan to do so. Hoping to volunteer for the RFS and possibly go back to TAFE to finish off my HSC and find a good career yet, my stomach churns and i feel this terrible anxiety when i think about these things due to the amount of communication i would be required to do. I am 24 and feel hopeless and lost. I know what i want, i know many people cannot say that, and yet here i am so depressed and scared of the simplest things that i feel trapped.

Currently don't have a job, no income, was hoping to see a therapist to help me but when you're broke it just gets worse. I feel like a loser having to finish my hsc at the age of 24, I've been talking about it for five years and I've beaten myself over the head with excuses.

I don't know what to expect here, i just hope it brings some relief...

[Aliza221]

That is what i am afraid off, going to a psych and then a medical evaluation to discover i have certain symptoms and require medication. But why should i complain, it seems like you have more than me and are pushing through and conquering every day life. What you mentioned that you have (haemochromatosis) i don't even know and it seems serious if unchecked regarding your brief explanation.The fact you're battling through all these issues, suicidal/depression etc.. and are still on-top regarding everyday life excluding the minor struggles. In the grand picture, i salute you.

I think i really need to get a therapist/Pysch, the homework/challenges and even slowly learning to re-frame your thoughts like you said, are exactly what i need, to be able to slowly build my self back from the ground.

Yeah i don't really play those games myself but they're still good for millions of others. And no, not yet, i am hard at work finishing up the first book in my trilogy and due to my depression there were a lot of set backs. But now i am full steam ahead on the project.

Vice versa with me and maths haha.

I might need an extensive conversation with a doctor and pysch to discover if i truly need medication. I need myself studied almost, as much as i hate it, i need to know what to do. Because i don't want to keep being this version of me anymore.