Stairway to Heaven

[NDR]

Hey everyone, I am an early 30's male who has had Anxiety, OCD and Depression for 14 years. I thought i'd post on here, because its amazing how you feel so alone, but yet there are so many who are in similar circumstances to myself. I remember finishing VCE and very soon after that the house of cards came falling down ever so slowly. I remember this horrible, awful feeling of anxiety coming over me and it just never went away. Still hasnt today.

I never told anyone about this. Not for 9 months. I just thought it was normal, but I knew I couldnt go on anymore. I tried a psychiatrist who put me on medication, but I was too erractic to bother taking it or see him, so my condition stayed like this for 3 more years. I just faked being happy and tried my best to please everyone, because pleasing myself was not an option as I didnt know what made me happy or where all this inner demons came from. 

I then found alcohol and drugs!! For the next 5 years I drank to oblivion, took drugs, partied for days on end because I hated reality so much back then. My family and friends were worried sick but I behaved for a few weeks to ge then the cycle started again. The penny dropped after writing off two cars and narrowly avoiding jail time that I should get help. Haha, well not so funny but I did have some fun going out over the years. yeah, great times!! 
Since 2010, I have been seeing a doctor and am taking medication, kicked drugs, drinking and smoking and have made small inroads on my mental state. I still get horrid panic attacks, uncertainty and the OCD is over-whelming, but over the last 5 years I feel im somewhat better if that makes sense. Things were going well up until February this year. I'd held down a job for 5 years, but I quit earlier this year because I thought I was ready for a change. Bad move!! I miss that place so much and I can't go back. I had great hours, good friends and although the pay wasnt so good, it was the job I always longed for! 5 years then one day your gone. Been unemployed since. 8 months. That's what anxiety and OCD will do. Runs you into the ground. Affects everything, including decision making. Think about suicide all the time, no good huh?
On the outside, im actually a fit, good looking guy with a great personality. I actually love laughing!! When my body allows me too. I know alot of people would be shocked if they knew what i've been through/still go through. Should pat myself on the back hey?
Be cool.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[HA1]

Hi NDR! 

I too have been diagnosed severe depression, anxiety and OCD.  Yes, I guess our illness is like that - it makes us feel isolated and alone, yet we are not – so welcome to the BB forum!  As you have seen already, there are many of us who feel the same as you.  So thank you for reaching out to share your story with us.

It is really good to hear that your health is improving; i.e. escaped the addictions to drugs, tobacco and alcohol.  Well done !  Can’t say the same for myself – still on the smokes (cigarettes, that is!).  Not so good to hear that you have dark thoughts still; are you addressing these thoughts – e.g. have you spoken to your health professionals about this?  If not, then I really think you must do so.  It also helps to ‘let it all out’ here on this forum.  As you know, most of us have been there and, unfortunately, sometimes the black dog starts to bark louder again.  But you can get over it, and you will.   

I sense that you are fit and well otherwise, do you have an exercise regime or do you play sports?  I still go to the gym most days and find that it does me a lot of good – feel tired afterwards, but helps the wellness of the mind.    Have you explored meditation in practice, or do you read spiritual texts?  I am currently reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”  - highly recommend it.   

Sad to hear that you are struggling to find employment that you enjoy, but I am sure you will soon find something.  How are you coping with looking for work?  Consider learning new skills and furthering your education. Might be a prime opportunity to try your hand at something else.  If you are up to it, these tend to be useful distractions. So many young people have difficulty finding employment, so you are not alone there either. 

I think I am getting close to my character limit, so will stop rambling on!

Again, welcome to the forum and please stay in touch and join the discussions.  Look forward to hearing from you.

Take care

K

[geoff]

dear NDR, I want to reply to your post, but will have to do it a bit later, so I really wanted to put your comment back on page 1. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi there NDR

Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and providing your post.

You’ve sure been doing it tough over the years – and from what I can read, mostly on your own as well.  And oh boy, the comment about anxiety and ocd wearing you down – yes yes, it does that.

I just really wanted to say “good on you” for all that you’ve been able to achieve in kicking the booze, the drugs and the partying – and also for the role of taking on seeing a doctor and you’re now on your meds and taking them.  That’s all heaps positives signs.  And so you should damn well pat yourself on the back – you’re really going about this in a great manner.

Just to know that we’re here all the time, so if you feel you’d like to write more – then please go ahead – and what I also saw was that you posted to another person here – and that’s so awesome.  If you’re able to keep on doing that, that’s such a great thing – helping others, but also it can be kind of a self-therapy in its own right as well.

Cheers

Neil

[geoff]

dear NDR, you don't have to explain how you feel to those of us who have anxiety and OCD, although anxiety is rampant through most of us, and really is soul destroying but when you have OCD attached to this it makes us feel pretty well controlled in how we do things and also achieve them.

So to add to this is yes I do have OCD and had it for 54 years, as well as over indulging in the use of alcohol when I was in depression.

You do deserve a pat on your back, as what you have been coping with isn't easy to do, because your fighting against OCD and anxiety, which both go hand in hand always.

I would really love to talk you further on this, as would other people, but I want to know how bad your OCD is, and whether it did cause you to resign.

What you have said to us is only a smidgeon of what has happened to you, so I understand that you are just 'testing the waters here', but please have some trust with us, and you, me and AOK also have to try and cope with OCD. Geoff.