Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

[Girl_Anachronism]

I hadn't posted in a month or so but I am not going well so here I am.  I am alive but most definitely not well. Since it has been a while, I'll try put everything that has happened in a short a description as possible.

•  I am off crutches but still in a knee brace from the  post surgical fall i had a month ago.
• I have been suffering fatigue and other symptoms which i am not sure of the cause of but it has been going on for three weeks now. I have had an MRI and am waiting for the results.I am hoping they find something but i am terrified if what that something could be. I have a doctors appointment Sunday.
• My partner has a dislocated shoulder with little sign of recovery. They are investigating surgery. It is severely impacting her mental health and she has had to defer uni.
• I am 4 weeks behind in uni. I have been to five lectures, out of a possible 30. I have not studied at all at home due to all of the factors above, hospital visits to my girlfriend, driving to the ed with her at the wee hours of the morning. I need to do three units to get paid, but I am worried that i won't be able to catch up. Failing could be the trigger for another year long breakdown.
• My relationship with my partner is strong, but she has her own problems and we are working out how to care for each other and ourselves. We recently moved from a share house with far too many boys and a passive aggressive landlady to a homes west unit of our own. I am writing surrounded by furniture and boxes. This accommodation is more stable and long term, plus far more private which is what we both need.
• A close family friend passed on the 13th. Her death has affected my sister most greatly, but I miss her too. I was unable to attend the funeral because I was too sick to go. I will pay my respects another day. Her death was sudden and unexpected and everyone is sill a little shell shocked.
• Some mornings I wake up and instead of not being able to get out of bed because of physical illness, i can't motivate myself to move. I feel depression licking at my heels, slowly sucking me further under. Having been there before I can recognise it, but don't know how to fight it. 

i am in a bad head space. I know that. I have booked respite for a week, starting Sunday. i feel like I am abandoning my partner just after we moved in but i am stressing so much that I need the break. I need help.

GA

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[Pixie15]

Hi GA,

Welcome back to the forums. I have noticed your presence but I am not sure if I have responded to you before. It sounds like both you and your girlfriend have suffered a terrible run of stressful events.

What supports do you generally have apart from here on the forum? Do you have family or friends? If your girlfriend will find it difficult staying by herself is there someone who could move in to keep her company while you are at respite?

Your university situation sounds a bit difficult to address. Have you thought of doing the same as your girlfriend and deferring at least some of your subjects. It would be a good idea to speak to the disability support people at your university to assess your situation. If you continue on and cannot catch up with the work you will still have to pay for the subject one day.

There is a site called "The Desk" which beyondblue cooperated in developing which has some tools and advice which can help you to think through your situation. You will find a link to it in the resources for schools and universities.

It is good that your doctor is available to see you on Easter Sunday.

thanks,

Christine.

[white knight]

Hi GA,  welcome back

Is there any Lions or Rotary clubs in your area. Or Council home help? A couple of workers in your home to get it all sorted would not only stop you looking at boxes but pick you up mentally.

I think you have been doing a great job, and your GF, in managing so well.  Plug away. You have plummeted but that cycle will turn around.

Great to hear from you again. Take care and dont feel bad. You are doing ok

Tony WK

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Christine,

 If i defer a uni I lose my austudy payment and have to go back to looking for work, or in my case giving in medical certificates because i can't work. I would  also have pay back the bulk payment i received two weeks ago as a student. If i withdrawal after the next two weeks, i don't have to pay it back. It is all gone on moving costs, so I don't even have the benefit of money in the bank. 

I  will try contact the equity team at uni on Tuesday. I don't think there are any other options but maybe they know something i don't.

As for other supports i have a psychologist and an OT I see weekly. I see my psychiatrist monthly. I also have a social worker who i see weekly and can text during office hours. It sounds like a lot  but it just doesn't feel like it makes things any better. It feels like i whinge all the time. My family are a hindrance not a help, and i don't have any friends who are stable enough. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hello again WK,

 It is good to see you still around on here. My gf sorted out most of the boxes after i collapsed in bed and slept for eight hours. My gp said he MRI was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. But he didn't give me a plan for the way forward. I was half fainting so i didn't ask, and he gave me an injection to help. So i still don't know what is wrong. i hate the uncertainty, i hate it.

  I am starting to get the shaky feeling of my seizures again, so I really hope that doesn't come to fruition.

 After fighting to keep afloat i feel like i was just drifting and now i am getting sucked under again.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi there GA

Thanx for providing your latest update and it sure does sound like things are starting to really bear down on you.  This upcoming respite that you’ve got booked, sounds like it’s very much needed for you.    Hey, and don’t think of you abandoning your partner at this time – I have no doubt that she will understand totally and it’s not as though the shoe hasn’t been on the other foot, where she’s been in hospital and you’ve been there to visit her as well.

AND she’ll have the kitty cats to look after AND to keep her company anyway.  🙂

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

 It's  been too long. I am in respite now, have been since last Sunday and am staying until Tuesday. I am trying to work on DBT skills in here with the nurses. I have done a little study but not much. I have seen my counterpart at the equity office at uni and she has updated my file with everything that has gone on. She updated my plan and sent an email to my lecturers. I have medical certificates for all of the above. I still have to email them, in order, to explain exactly where i am and what i need further extensions on. i know i have to do it, but i can't face that right now. I don't want to know just how screwed i am in one subject. 

My head space is so up and down. I teal a little bit of cal and then one morning i will just wake up and my head will be in the deepest pit it can find. That is what today has been like. Bad urges are so strong, it was all i could do to not do silly things before one of the nurses came to pick me up. I miss all three of my cats, and my partner but i know i am not safe there right now. I don't know if i can be. but if i am going to be safe anywhere, there would be it. I just need to open he pressure valve a little here in respite and let some grievances have the time on the podium.

 It doesn't help that there was a convention this weekend i would loved to have gone to. I didn't have the money or mental strength, but seeing the pictures of the event reminded me i lost not just my marriage but all of the connections to the community there. All of my friends and students. Maybe that is what is bugging me today.

I don't know. I am just trying desperately to survive this, when part of me really doesn't want to.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Wow, so much going on for you – and it’s bubbling away – it sure seems that way from how you’ve described it all.  And you are very correct, in that you need to be able to find the release button on the pressure cooker that is building up.   I think you WILL find it where you are;  the respite care is the place for you right now and I’m pleased that you’ve been able to be there for a while.

But also you KNOW that your home is there for you – with your partner and your cats as well.  So feel comfortable in knowing that.

You ARE trying to survive this and yes, you WILL survive this.  You’ll get through this dark and low place that you’re currently in.  You’ve got a lot of mechanisms put in place for assisting you and you know by now that you can reach out and use these to help you.  That is brilliant that you’ve got medical certificates to cover yourself.

Keep coming back here as often as you need.

Your friend

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

I am home now

The new kitten is so adorable and so sweet though she can be so cheeky sometimes. I feel mostly stable but it is a fragile state, like there are waves beneath the surface. Maybe it is just hangover from my psych session today. We talked about some things i haven't in a long time. Hard things.

Now i feel exhausted and want to go to bed, have since 7pm. I have my OT tomorrow, and my social worker. I hope to get to a lecture but it will depend on timing and mood. My partner is struggling and i don't know how to help her. I don't know what else i can say. If there is anything I can do or say. You think I'd be an expert but i just don't know what else i can do.

My head is too fragile to hope. I have received positive replies regarding my situation from two of my lecturers, including the one i thought i might have to give up. I am giving myself three weeks to catch up. if haven't by then its withdrawal time. I also have booked myself into respite in three weeks as it will be my study break.

So less emotional combustion, more the slow burn of depression dragging me down this week. I don't even know what i am asking for here. Just sending  a message in a bottle, I guess and seeing what comes back.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi there GA

Great to hear back from you.

I can fully understand you feeling exhausted and to have that disturbing feeling lurking just under the surface – and I have no doubt that was caused by your psych session, where they dig deep to bring out issues – to get them out of their sealed boxes and to confront and discuss them – all with the aim of being able to deal with them, whenever they surface again.  Instead of leaving them ‘untouched’ in the mind only to be totally freaked out by them when they find their way to the surface.

Well, that’s my understanding of my psych sessions and how it all works.  I think it’s a positive way to approach things.

Speaking of positives, you’ve had your psych session, you’ve got an OT session and your social worker – all brilliant things happening there – all for you.

Just gotta face these with as much positiveness as you can muster and walk with your head held high, no slouching of back or shoulders.

Great to read that your lecturers are on board with things for you and giving you positives in that area also.

You’ve got your new little kitten who will be an ongoing source of love, enjoyment, occupation of you and even merriment with some of the antics that she will no doubt get up too.

With regard to your partner – I think just you being there (and there for each other) can be as powerful as any words said.

Keep on posting and unloading if you need;  we’re always here.

Kind regards

Neil