Something needs to change

[underscore]

Something needs to change I can't keep living this way but I don't know what needs to change or how I can change it . I'm paralyzed by all my responsibilities and everyday task I need to do to keep going. I feel alone and isolated but I also want to be left alone partly because I don't want to burden anyone with the mess that I am , no ones doing well at the moment and it's not fair on them that I need help because I'm not either. I'm on anti depressants but they don't seems to work anymore , much like my will to get out of bed. Every time it try to dig myself out of this hole I seem to slide back down to a deeper pit . I guess I'm just writing this because I'm hoping that putting my feelings anywhere will help remove the weight of them , I'm so tempted to let them burry me quit my job quit doing anything and just sit in my room in the dark and distract myself with inane videos and shows . But I don't want to do that, I don't want to get to that point , and I know I can't let myself either something needs to change and hopefully this is my first step towards that .

[Sophie_M]

Hi underscore,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for taking such a big step in sharing what you’re feeling. It takes courage to reach out, especially when you’re so low. This is a really good space for you to share, our community members are kind and understanding, and many will be able to relate to what you’re going through.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling isolated, this is a horrible thing to experience, and we want you to know that you can reach out to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 at any moment you want to talk things through. You are not alone and we are here to work things through with you. You can also reach out via webchat, here.

Have you spoken to your doctor or a psychologist about the way you’re feeling? It’s incredibly tough when treatment isn’t going to plan, so we’d encourage you to keep talking to your health professional about this, they should be able to help.

We can hear you’re feeling uncomfortable about needing support when everyone’s struggling, and that’s a really difficult feeling. It’s an extremely hard time, and you are deserving of all the support and understanding that will get you through it.

Thank you again for being so brave and proactive in sharing here. The forums are a really great place to talk through the feelings you’re having, try and make sense of them, and come up with more ideas for coping by reading the experiences of others who have felt like this too. We’re happy you see this as a step towards feeling better – many have found it is We hope the support of other community members who will likely join us on this thread soon brings you some comfort.

Kind regards,

Sophie M
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You've written your post well and with clarity, well done there. I can relate to every word and congrats for this important step to Beyondblue.

You mentioned tasks. Well I can really understand being overwhelmed. A typical day can include up to 200 tasks e.g. rise, shower, dressed, make bed, feed dog, boil kettle, breakfast, pack away, wash clothes...That's before lunch and not including taking calls, emails etc. Once we fall behind, the snowball grows and that snowball never melts.

I'd suggest a check up with your GP. For the last 12 months my wife has slept every afternoon, turns out she has diabetes! So you can eliminate things like that and teview your meds at the same time.

A good idea in the morning is to make a list of tasks you'd like to complete in order of priority. Depending on your situation you might be entitled to home help, another question for your GP, or employ a local person to attend once a week to help out. What do you think?

Due to my experiences with depression (also bipolar) I've found that one full time job binds me 38 hours+ to the same people and environment, I found its more beneficial to find work where you work alone (not common) or 2-3 part time jobs. Something to consider.

I hope you get some balance in your life without too many expectations. Recovery includes being kind to yourself with self compliments.

I wrote a post on that very topic of self praise once, so feel free to Google the following and read the first post.

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Underscore~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. I'm glad you have met her as she is very sensible and understands a lot.

When I look at the times depression has been bad I too have found a great desire to just give up, stay in bed, not work, and all the rest. It all seems too much, a feeling I guess you are very familiar with..

I suppose the way I look at it is that depression is not only as an illness, but a handicap and a lens though which you look. That lens magnifies all the seemingly insuperable problems you face, and masks out anything good, enjoyable or that gives you hope. That outside world is still there, but at the time has simply disappeared.

It saps energy, and you can easily think you are failing, not realizing that everything you are doing is a victory in very adverse circumstances.

You have tremendous wins! Getting up (no I'm not joking) , doing your daily tasks, working and all the rest. You cannot judge yourself by the standards of being fit and healthy -that simply leads to feelings of defeat, but in your current circumstances you are having win after win.

Depression feeds on itself and fills the mind, yours as it did mine. I too wanted to be alone, and told myself it was for other's sake, however it really was I had no room left in my mind to deal with peple as well as everything else. Mt temper became bad and I was resentful and uncooperative.

So what to do?

May I suggest first off you have a long talk with the prescriber of your medication, it is not working properly and your treatment needs a review. This is normal, as one's life changes so does the demands on treatment, see where that leads.

You may also see if you can find some support in your private life, someone to listen, no need to make suggestions or try to fix. Just leaving you feeling someone cares.

Do you think htat might be possible. Remember it can be a two way process if they need someone to listen too.

Lastly I found if there was something I could look forward to each day, in my case a few chapters in my latest book in the evening, that helped. Both though the day and in the evening.

There's more of course, but I think I may have said enough for now.

I hope to talk with you again

Croix

.

[underscore]

Thank you for your responses just knowing I'm not as alone has eased some pressure.

I'm in the process of trying to set up some form of action plan to get back on track, I think I've delayed longer than I should have due to financil worries, and a bit of doctor/medical phobia due to alot of things that happend when I was younger relating to my Autisim and ADHD diagnoses and previous bouts of depression and anxiety .

Unforunately I had a bad breakdown at work today, it was worse than normal maybe just because it felt so public. I'm starting to think I need a complete change in my current surroundings and routines to try and help brake the downward spiral, I've started reaserching mental helath leave and potential short term voulantry inpatient support but hopeing it wont get to that point.

I plan to keep posting here if only to keep myslef accoutnable with takeing steps forwards because I've publicaly stated I'll take them.

Like commiting to maintaing, and attending the phone appointment I have with a therapist this friday.

Underscore

[Croix]

Dear Underscore~

A pity about the breakdown at work in one way, but if that motivates you to take more action it may not all be bad.

I think it is probably quite a good idea to announce what you are going to do (I'll make a point of asking you how your Friday appointment went:) I still do the same thing telling my partner what I intend and am certainly asked about it afterwards.

You are not alone in putting things off, I did so for years and ended up in a very bad way, I was told if I'd sought professional help a earlier I'd be easier to treat and could look forward to positive results more quickly.

I was not on sickness leave, I was invalided out (told you I left it too long) and have been hospitalized (unpleasant but overall has had a very beneficial effect in my case)

So you can see from the above your reluctance to take action is not just you, basically I suspect it is a symptom of the illness.

Please let us know how you go about leave, and what you decide

Croix