Something needs to change

[Supermum]

It’s been a long time since I posted on the BB forums.  I would like to think it’s because I was cured and no longer had the issues I had before and in my defence I was starting to feel more I control of my life and my head.  Alas life threw me another curve ball that I wasn’t expecting and now I’m 

left with chaos. I’ve hit 50 and I just feel more lost, more isolated, more alone and more confused than I did when I was 18.  I go to work and function as I should, I look after my home and my children as I should but inside it’s not as it should be. I am afraid that if I let just the smallest part of what’s inside out then chaos would be unleashed . The anger, bitterness, emptiness and hurt and pain would be like a black hole enveloping everything around me that I still love and cherish. That I wouldn’t be able to control that emotion, that tsunami of everything I hold inside to mask how I feel would engulf all in its path. What would I be left with ? Someone I truely didn’t like, that I despised , that people didn’t want to know ? But it’s coming , I feel 

it I am just a ticking time bomb going through the motions of a high functioning life. 
I make reckless decisions, I step out into the road without looking, I don’t care if I get caught speeding or doing something wrong. I just don’t care anymore. 

I don’t know what this message will achieve or why I am even writing it … 

[therising]

Hi Supermum

I don't think people can fully relate to what a whole stack of bottled up emotion can feel like unless they've felt it for themself. If emotion is energy in motion, the amount of energy in motion within us can definitely feel explosive. When the emotion is mixed (a combination of feelings and factors), it can be even worse. I feel so deeply for you as you face such overwhelming pressure in so many ways.

While I imagine there are many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are, each has a light or bright side to them and a dark side. While the intolerant part of us can be truly upstanding and inspiring and a real boundary setter, while promoting an incredible sense of drive, on the flip side it can be aggressive, heartless, inflexible and hard for others to live with. While the careless of carefree part of us can lead us to be free of care and stress, while leading us to feel the relief of no responsibility, on the flip side it can lead us to be neglectful of some of the things that really matter in life (perhaps leading to some regret down the track). There can be so many other facets that also have 2 sides or extremes to them.

From my own experience, the intolerant part of me was definitely born out of rage, bitterness, resentment, pain, disappointment and more. The labour pains or hard work it takes to manage all those emotions can be immense. And like with contractions, the combination of emotions can increase with frequency and pain as they grow stronger and stronger until there is just no break in between them. The intolerant part of us is on the verge of coming to life whether we like it or not. The question can be 'How do I manage this part of me that's about to come to life?'. Sometimes it can come to life with a 'take no prisoners' attitude. I smile when I say that when it comes to burning bridges, this part of me can possess a high powered flame thrower, more than eager to use it.

I'd say I think this part of us can come to life so intensely as a result of suppression. There are times where the intolerant part of us can try to gently guide us through suggestion, 'You shouldn't have to tolerate that', 'You shouldn't have to be the one to manage this alone. Get the other person to take some responsibility', 'Speak your mind, don't keep it to yourself' but we just say 'No, I can manage this myself. I'll just keep my mouth shut and get on with things' or 'It's just easier if I be the one to take responsibility'. So, we ignore it and ignore it until it eventually comes into this world screaming 'ENOUGH!!!!!!!'.

I'm wondering whether you have a therapist of sorts in place who can talk you through this. With new facets of our self that can be born out of great challenges, it can be less about suppression and more about 'Welcome to this world. Happy birthday to you. Now that you are here, how are we going to work together in highly constructive ways?'.

[Supermum]

The you for your very intuitive and insightful reply.  I do indeed have a psychologist whom I see 2 weekly if I can. He’s wonderful and honest and he’s doen a lot of work with me .

My career as a nurse is ruled by compromise, patience, tolerance and emotional suppression. The need for perfectionism and competency whilst supporting colleagues and then having to care holistically for the children and their families and give my all emotionally, physically and mentally …. Then I come home and this continues with the absolute drama ridden life that has consumed my family for 6 years. 
I try to set boundaries and expectations but this is often taken as you say passive aggressively and I hear you when you say take no prisoners!!! That’s exactly what it’s like ….. a wrecking ball that just takes everything out ! Disrupting the peace and supportive ethos at work and then being the centre of gossip. 
This then leads exacerbation of my   paranoia which is always there but can be subdued by rational thinking but when my head becomes harder to subdue and rationalise all those skills fly out of the window and all those emotions and thoughts line up to take the limelight. 
Come in and welcome paranoia, perfectionistic over controller and  punishing critic ! 

😞 

[therising]

Hi Supermum

I think it's one thing to have our inner critic chatting away up there in our head or the perfectionist. It's quite another when there's what feels like a group conference going on. Can sound like something along the lines of

'I can't do this job anymore'

The inner financial manager: You have to, you can't afford to leave it. Think of all the bills you've got and this and that and all those things...

'But I can't handle it anymore and everything on top of it'

The inner critic: It's because you're weak. If you were stronger, this wouldn't be a problem. Why can't you do it, when everyone else appears to be able to?!

'What if I just stopped trying to please everyone?'

The inner people pleaser: You can't do that because then people would suffer, plus they'd be displeased with you and might even hate you

The inner perfectionist: Plus you can't do a second rate job if you want to be a first class worker. Second rate makes you second rate, as a person. You have to be first rate. You have to be!

and on it goes. The 'group conference' thing gets pretty exhausting, that's for sure.

I was talking to my 21yo daughter not too long ago about the 'group conference'/inner dialogue factor. Having been recently diagnosed with ADHD, it's something she struggles with herself. I can recall her saying that one of the reasons she struggles with time management is partly because of the perfectionist in her. She can't do a simple job in some cases, it has to be a perfect job and perfection takes time. If the job's not perfect, it triggers her inner critic. While she appears not to care about running late for some things, it's because she's emotionally detached. She has to be, otherwise the stresser in her is triggered. As I said to her 'There are facets of yourself you need to work on channeling and developing, one's you can't manage without'. Yes, easier said than done.

If there's a sage in us, a self loving aspect, a pure analyst (without emotion), a commander, a time management strategist, an adventurer and other aspects, how would they sound? More optimistic, more guiding, more supportive? Can be hard to survive without a problem solving team coming to our rescue on occasion. Btw, I used to be so hard on myself when I'd become emotionally detached and hard on everyone else in the family. I'd eventually question 'Why do I become so tough and mean? Why can't I be nice all the time? What's wrong with me?'. I think there can be an inner commander in us that commands and demands from others at times. While it can have a bit of an army commander vibe to it (yelling out orders), it's the part of us that demands nothing but the best from our troop and that they start to fall in line. I find I tend to channel this part of me when things feel like they're falling apart and order is the call of the day. This part of me can be harsh at times but it gets results. I smile when I say that this part of me doesn't just shout orders at others. It is inclined to dictate to me at times something along the lines of 'Get your sh** together soldier! Things are falling apart here'. It can be a seriously tough but motivating aspect of self.

[ABC01]

Dear Supermum,

 I would like to say after reading your post,how much I can relate even though our lives are very different.

I often feel like a storm is coming after a period of calm. The monster called “Anxiety” that walks beside me suddenly starts to talk louder then before and it’s horns grow bigger and more intimidating. I too feel like I am “surviving the day by going through the motions”, but behind the front is the chaos. I can totally understand and relate,that if I let a little of the chaos out,it will blow apart and all of it would destroy my life. I can also relate to being high functioning, yet have a mental health disorder at the same time.

The things that stand out in your post to me that gives me hope for you,is your Sign-in name. Supermum. That shows your love for your children. Love is hope. Hope is something that you can grasp onto with all you’ve got.

That fact that you can identify all the feelings that you are afraid may release,is not only insightful but identifies the things you may need to work on with a mental health professional. There are reasons you are feeling these specific emotions and unfortunately you can’t hold them back forever. And it is incredibly brave to say what you have on this post. Many people feel this,but are afraid to say it out loud.

The only person who will and can care for yourself,is YOU. If we listen to our anxiety voice enough,we start to believe what the anxiety monster is saying. You sound like a strong independent individual who has been through alot. You will get through this too.

 I hope anything I have said has been even a bit helpful too you.

Wishing you the best,

ABC01

[Supermum]

Thankyou to both of you for your replies and for your valued opinion, support and most of all your honesty which I value dearly. So many people just either agree with you or support what you’re saying for various reasons but I appreciate honesty and a healthy support with different points of view and a different look at the same situation. I am happy to change and evolve, happy to see things from a different point of view to improve myself. 
My family are my drive. Providing for them, supporting them and ensuring they are in a better place than I am basically, its a role of I am a mum . It’s been my saviour but also my achillies heal. My career is also my saviour as it’s a place I feel that I know what I'm doing, I know I'm

a good nurse and a hard worker. It’s systematic and run by rules and policies and I am a nurse a role that I know and a part of me that I know and trust.  However it’s also my Achilles heal …. 
When I have role to play I am ok because I can hide behind it mostly… I’m not focusing on me or having to face me so I can follow the rules and do what I’m supposed to do. 
Until I can’t , until the part of me that hide from seps over into these other roles and there is a risk of exposure of showing vulnerability, imperfections and failure. 

The joys of being self aware  and being insightful is important and helps with moving forward and healing . I have learnt a lot and grown as a person which has helped me as a mum, in my career and also a person for which I am grateful. The skills I have learnt and refined through different kinds of therapy have been invaluable.  However again it’s my Achilles. The battle in my head between the logical and the illogical - the I know I feel this and I should be able to let it pass or regulate this but I can’t right now or I know that I’m just reading too much into that interaction but the paranoia kicks in, am I reading too much into that interaction ? Is that how they really feel and I secretly hated and no good at my job ? Then I have to control the thoughts, the anxiety, the panic and keeping my mouth shut so I don’t say something I shouldn’t and be professional.  This critic is LOUD and so I then beat myself up on what I should or shouldn’t do and what I finish up doing. That I should be able to contain my emotions but yet sometimes it’s just too much but why can’t I do that ??

Im a grown woman who is a professional person with a family and a home… I’ve managed most of my life and now I struggle and it’s pathetic, it’s wrong, it needs to stop, I NEED IT TO STOP! It’s unbearable and I don’t feel like me. I feel like a fake, a fraud , that no one  really knows me anymore never mind I know myself and it’s exhausting and self degrading. 

I take medications to ensure it’s not an organic reason for being irrational. I take time to myself to “fill my cup” I try to set boundaries and distance myself from triggers and people that drain me. I go to therapy, I take my antidepressants and medications to reduce anxiety and to help 

sleep and rest. You say jump and  I say how high just to help me NOT feel this way!

For a time it’s ok and I think I’ve got this the comes the crash, the damn crash. The comes the critic with an army all guns blazing. “See what was the point! You’re a crap person, you can’t even stay positive and content, you don’t deserve it , just give up, give in, just disappear! “ “ hurt yourself ,punish yourself, work harder, do more, ,stop  asking for help, stop asking for support you won’t get it ….”  Etc etc 

BUT don’t let it show. Don’t let anyone see because if they do, if you let them in if they see the real you then you will loose your job or jeopardise your career or people will leave you and you will be alone, totally alone. 
Even writing this makes my heart race and my head spin. Those dizzy spins when I’m trying to control my head and my thoughts. 
💭 

My thoughts automatically think of ways to numb it. So I can get up and get on with my day. Play the part. But I shouldn’t numb it was that’s maladaptive and unhealthy but its what I need to do so I can perform my jobs my roles and not feel these damn emotions! 

[therising]

Hi Supermum

I think inner dialogue can be even more difficult to manage when there's that 'you' factor involved. For example, while we could be trying so hard to manage in life, you'd imagine what comes to mind to perhaps be along the lines of 'What's the point! I'm a crap person, I can't even stay positive and content, I don't deserve it, I should just give up, I should just give in, I should just disappear'. The problem with the 'you' factor in inner dialogue is this factor makes it all that sound so much more convincing. 'See what was the point! You’re a crap person, you can’t even stay positive and content, you don’t deserve it , you should just give up, you should give in, you should just disappear!'. Whatever it is that's talking to us is also convincing us at the same time.

Everyone's got a theory on what those inner 'voices' are, both the positive and negative ones that can sound so convincing at times. There are a whole variety of theories

• Us interacting with different facets of our self (our inner critic, inner sage, inner analyst, inner adventurer etc). With this kinda resembling an old style wagon wheel, there is a core sense of self and from that hub stem spokes or aspects that go toward making up the whole of who we are
• Divine guidance and not so divine guidance (aka 'clairaudience')
• The logical and non logical aspects of our brain interacting with us, in the process of us developing greater states of consciousness or awareness. So, our logical mind vs our intuitive mind, head vs heart, analysis vs feeling and so on. In other words, 'to be in 2 minds about something' (while feeling stuck in the middle on occasion)

and the list of theories goes on.

Just want to make it clear, it's not about actually hearing voices, it's about sensing inner dialogue that has a 'you' factor to it. How to manage this factor like a pro can take a heck of a lot of skill. While I'm far from being a master at it, I remain determined to master it. Identifying triggers can be just a small part of the big picture known as self mastery.

[ABC01]

Dear Supermum,

I read your reply and the one and only thought that kept going through my head is “You are only Human.” Balance is an incredibly tricky task. I suffer from finding the right balance on any given day. But you are only human. Please remember to be kind to yourself too. Life throws us all these balls to juggle and we can’t drop one and then life tells us to hurry up and run,whilst juggling and not dropping one ball. It is overwhelming and it is OKAY to feel it.

Just please look after yourself whilst you do it. List all the things you did achieve today,instead of all the things you didn’t or did “wrong”. You will be amazed at how awesome you have done today and will be again tomorrow.

Hoping you find some balance,

ABC01