Something happened yesterday that made me realise what a horrible person I am

[new2blue]

hI everyone, I'm not sure if this is where i start but here goes. I think i have depression or a mental health issue as I have been having rollercoaster ride emotions and I'm just not the person i want to be anymore. Im 49 and something happened yesterday that made me realise what a horrible person i am and for the first time, i knew what it felt like to be hated and it was not in a good situation. Ive been trying to work out whats wrong with me without bothering anyone about it but clearly I need help because i am so tired some days and on others i don't want to be here anymore. Im full of anger and rage and chronic pain from back and neck injuries and i feel overwhelmed with life and everyday living and i say things in anger and resentment and i don't know whats wrong with me. I told someone (a relative) yesterday that i am barely hanging onto life somedays. I don't want to spoil certain occasions so ive been fighting it and my husband has no idea and would just think I'm an idiot anyway. I just want someone to understand what I'm feeling and to tell me its ok to be like i am or is it? I don't know anymore.



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[Jacko777]

Hi new2blue,

I am glad you are talking about this, a lot of us have had realisations like you had yesterday, a lot of people know how you feel right now.

For me, I couldn't have worked out what was wrong me without professional help, like counselors and psychiatrists. Depression for me was an outcome of something that had happened decades before, I had next to no awareness of the subconscious mind patterns I was forming. So when I got help we could work on the root cause, often with rapid positive results. I think if you get some help, here on the phone service or see your GP, you can make a fresh plan and make some changes. By the way, it's not your fault that you are not the 'person you want to be anymore'. 

Chronic pain never helps ones ability to be calm, i hope you are doing what you can to relieve your pain.

It's not okay to feel the way you do, being depressed is not your true nature. With small steps you can change this, by doing the different things as required you can expect a different result. Have you tried meditation? It helps me to train my brain to keep focused on the positive things in life. And it makes me more aware of my breathing which gives me something to focus on. 

The words we choose are so important, try to switch negative to the positive. For example, instead of saying 'I don't want to be here anymore', you could try 'I'm going to fix this...get better...find out what is going on.'

You say 'clearly I need help'. I agree, seek help, today, and I reckon you can really make some positive changes that will make you feel a lot better. Keep us posted, chat anytime...Love to you.

Jacko

[CrashCoyote]

Hi new2blue,

Welcome to the forums. I am a 51yo male with depression and anxiety.

Can I suggest you start by visiting your GP? Just blurt it out. S/he will know what questions to ask and what is available to you. It is the best starting point.

I would like to hear how that goes if you wish to post again.

Kind regards, John.

[Doolhof]

Hi New2blue,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. John and Jacko have given you some great support and advice already.

I too feel like your first step is to see a Dr. If you have trouble talking about how you are feeling, then you could write it down and hand the Dr the piece of paper.

Are you receiving treatment for your pain? Can you ask the Dr about that as well?

I know that when I am feeling depressed, my pain levels feel like they are going through the roof. I too have back and neck problems and suffer from depression, stress and have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

My husband doesn't always understand my depression even though he suffers himself. I will let him know when I am having a particularly bad day so he is pre-warned! Ha. Ha.

I have found ways to help myself through the difficult times. If possible I will go and do some gardening, read a book, do a Sudoku puzzle, phone a sympathetic friend and have a chat, go for a walk, do some craft or find some other way to make myself feel better about life.

When you feel your anger building up, can you try to be aware of that and remove yourself from that situation before you really go bang. I'm learning to walk away, to take deep breaths and to tell myself the situation is really not as bad as I think it is.

I hope some of this helps and wish you well on your journey of recovery. I too would like to hear how you are getting on.

This is a great place to share how you are coping or not, we all support each other and realise that life can sometimes be tough. It is also wonderful when we can share what has helped us, as our ideas may benefit someone else.

Cheers for now from Lauren.

[Chris_B]

Hi new2blue, great to have you on the forums. Hope you'll keep posting with us.

In addition to the great advice from our members above, below are some links to threads from other members who are also struggling with depression and chronic neck or back injuries. Please feel free to reach out to them as well:

Life changes and challenges with a spinal injury

I want my old life back!

Chronic neck pain + depression