Some thoughts on my experience of anxiety and depression

[Bruce_Wayne]

I can't speak for everyone here  but my experience of depression and anxiety is that, well, it's pretty awful. One the top 5 least favourite things in my life, somewhere between Justin Bieber and cold showers, both of which make my nipples invert in unpleasantness. 

I'm sorry everyone, I don't mean to undermine the severity and the effect of depression, nor shun those who enjoy Justin Bieber or cold showers, they're just not my thing. A weird (or possibly just stoopid) sense of humour is the one thing I hold close to me  and try to never lose because it keeps me fighting back and allows me to look at things from another, less painful point of view. I just think that we all deserve to be able to laugh at the things that hurt us, that is our right. Sometimes the joke is only for your own sake and no one else's. That's okay. I don't think laughing at something or joking about an issue indicates that you don't take that issue seriously or that you're weak in any way. It's a way of holding some power. 

But for those of you who can't laugh at their issues right now that's okay too. There's no pressure. There are some things in life people often don't take seriously enough and could do with a bit of emotion. If you don't really feel like you care try not to feel guilty either. These things can play on your mind - someone out there has it worse than me and therefore my feelings or lack of feelings are unjustified and a waste of space. That's part of what people never told me about depression. It can make hit you on a small scale but be so persistent that it you doubt it's there and question whether you're making it up to justify your own apathy. That can just be another part. 

Depression really comes in all sorts of ways, it can be a numbness, a prolonged feeling like there's no purpose, direction or reason for your existence, it can be intense sadness experienced in frequent bursts and it can be a consistently average /low mood. But it's really not always so obvious that what you're feeling is depression and/or just a part of your personality. 

I know right; hats off to captain obvious but these are things I often  forget and they can lead me to doubt myself. I say this hoping someone out there might not feel so alone and just for a bit of venting/musing. 

Whoever is out the reading this, I give you my love and wish you the best. I'll be posting  here somewhat regularly, to share my thoughts, learn from others and hopefully help as many as I can on here.

[geoff]

dear Bruce, welcome a board, and I do like your take on what can actually happen or how we feel with this illness.

All of us do however have their own theory about depression as it's not run by the book, so there is no clear cut solution as to why we have to suffer from depression.

There are a lot of people who have unfortunately suffered for a very long time as a result of their childhood, for reasons ranging from child abuse, both physically and mentally, or by having a parent who maybe an alcoholic or they neglect their children, both of these are devastating to the child who is now an adult, so the result of this is that it is still affecting them.

These people would then have their take on the theory of depression, as does someone who has lost a family member and finding it very difficult to accept, and why wouldn't they, and I could mention many names here but that wouldn't be appropriate to single them out, but most of the regulars know who they are just as if it includes themselves.

But what I do know is that all of these people as well as you Bruce want is for emotional support just as people who can understand what they are trying to cope with, because without this support then this leaves the poor person struggling on their own, and when you have depression this is never a good idea.

There are also people who have relapses and can't understand why this would happen as perhaps they have been able to get on top of their depression, as this happened to me last year, but I knew that I would get better, and if others have this feeling as well it's a good way to handle this illness.

I do hope that you continue to support people, because as I said I like your philosophy. Geoff.

[AGrace]

Hi BW,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing.

Im quite curious about your post as you've shared many different tones in your experience of mental illness/health.

I agree that sometimes in life there's little we can do but laugh. It usually comes with the benefit of hindsight but it does also give a sense of power, especially in terms of having acceptance in times of vulnerability. They say laughter is the best medicine and in terms of mental wellbeing it reduces stress hormones (Cortisol and Adrenaline). So perhaps we all need to laugh a little more. It seems you have a top 5 of least favourite things, do you also have a list of most favourite things? ( I'm guessing humor could be one of them)

Sure there are times when we need to see things from a serious perspective and I agree that there are a whole gamut of emotions that we have a right to experience. You'd want to be pretty serious if you were choosing whether or not to have a cold shower, and you'd want to seriously consider whether the benefits outweigh the costs.

I have no doubt that someone out there will benefit from your personal explanation of depression. Thats the great thing about this online community so im glad to hear that you're wanting to contribute regularly. Yours is one more voice in bringing awareness to mental health. Im keen to know what other things do you find helpful in managing depresion/anxiety?

AGrace

[Neil_1]

G'day Bruce

Welcome to Beyond Blue and "Well done" in coming here and providing in insightful and interesting first up post.  I'll be interested in seeing others responses to it.

Um, just first off though - as you've only just arrived and I'm assuming you're a bloke - maybe we can just go a bit easy on the whole, "I give you my love" thing - you know, we hardly know each other and stuff.  🙂    (Um, I'm seeing your first post with humour and raising this last para as my return sense of humour back to you).  🙂

So yes, as you can see, my dog Jack is grinning at your post and so am I.  I find humour to be such a positive thing - obviously in the fits of deep depression it can be hard to find (or simply not appropriate or wise - so in its proper place, humour is a great thing for bring a bit of levity to the situation - in its proper place).   And on here it can fit in nicely at different times - and it's also very pleasing to hear that you're going to stick around.

May I ask do you feel as though you've got your Black Dog beaten to a pulp?  Or is he simply sleeping in his kennel?   Or is he outside his kennel ready to attack?

I'd just be interested to read where you currently sit in the scheme of things?

Cheers and welcome once again.

Neil

[Bruce_Wayne]

It's so amazing to see so many kind and supportive people here and I guess that's what encouraged me to create an account and post here.  

AGrace, thanks for the reply, I like how seriously you consider the ramifications of a cold shower. A decision not to be taken lightly 😉 

If I were to have a top 5 favourite list, hot showers would definitely be up there, next to music, cuddling and peanut M&M's 🙂 what are your favourite things? 

Neil1 (I can't help but hear 'Neil Young' in my head :P) as you put it, I would say my dog is in its kennel for now but it's difficult to know when it will rear it's head again. Yes I am a dude and in a relationship with a lovely woman so let's just keep these loving exchanges on the down low haha 😉 

I'm struggling with anxiety on a day to day basis but depression and thoughts of low self worth, ugliness and a lack of direction with my life are persistent. I'm on SSRI's and have seen a number of psychologists over the past 5 years, currently seeing a psychiatrist. Obsessive and intrusive thoughts are often a big struggle for me and over analysing things plagues me too.

 I realise my afflictions aren't necessarily as severe as other people's on this forum and I am certainly more lucky than many, as both my parents are social workers. I often doubt that my depression and anxiety are a real affliction although I don't doubt others when they say they deal with similar issues. I guess it's because there isn't much tangible evidence, at least that I can see. A person who has crutches or an arm cast will not think twice about the legitimacy of their injury and neither will others, however a person with afflictions of the mind is not so easily spotted, nor are they accepted as readily as some who has a clear physical injury. Both are difficult to deal with, no question of that. I guess I'm trying to say I feel a constant uphill battle to convince myself that I do actually deal with an illness, despite the knowledge that depression runs in my family and my parent's reassurance that what I'm going through is definitely depression. 

At the moment I feel pretty powerless and dependant living at with my folks at 23, I hate feeling like a burden. 

What about the two of you? How do you see depression/your depression in the scope of your life? If you'd rather not say that's alright, we can talk about anything: movies, music, hobbies, dreams, philosophy 🙂 

Thanks again for replying! 

[Bruce_Wayne]

Thanks for the reply Geoff, it's great to have this space available to us to reach out to each other in a comfortable environment and it can be especially difficult for others who haven't experienced something similar to understand what depression is like. 

As you say though, everyone's experience is different so I think it's important that we all share our unique experience so perhaps others won't feel so alone and alienated in their experiences. 

I think the more diversity we get, the more comfortable people will feel expressing their feelings and themselves, however strange and alone they might think they are. 

What's been the most powerful resource for you in dealing with your depression, if you don't mind me asking? You're been on here a while, any advice for answering posts on this forum as I don't want to tread on any toes and I want to be as helpful as I can. 

Thanks again for the reply Geoff, I've seen a few of your posts around and you sound like an interesting and thoughtful person 🙂 

[Jo3]

Hi Bruce

Welcome to BB forum.  This is an amazing forum for everyone dealing with a mental illness to reach out to others who understand and offer support.

I can't say too much at the moment because my head is not in a good space. I am suffering depression, anxiety, pstd,memories of childhood sexual abuse and BPD.

I guess when I am feeling okay about myself I do walk daily with my dog (kelpie) down the beach, I am doing yoga and meditation at home; and also I do some programs at the local hospital where I was admitted in April for a break.  There I do yoga, relaxation mindfulness exercises, emotional responsibility session and CBT all with professional therapists.  It is really good as it keeps me busy, focused and motivated to want to go.

Apart from that I love listening to Abba music, reading and knitting (just finished a scarf for my daughter)

I love your 5 favourite things - they would have to be mine as well!!!

Take care, hope to chat again

Jo

[AGrace]

Ok, so I have 2 questions to answer here...

My top 5 favourite things - my boyfriend, cadbury dairy milk chocolate, my cat, 50 shades of Grey, and reading. Definitely in that order!!

My view on Depression - Well I wrote this about 9 months ago, and I think I still feel the same way...

There is actually a definition for the word depression, "A mood state characterised by a lowered mood and loss of pleasure or interest in activities one would usually enjoy." It seems strange that someone has assigned a word and devised a meaning for a state of mind that presents in so many different ways, for so many different people, at so many different ages. I'd go as far as debating the word and it's definition.

Words are merely labels. The label depression is not that much different to the label Levis, there's not one pair of jeans that is a perfect fit for everybody. They call depression a mental illness.It doesn't present like a broken arm; it creeps up on you, or jumps out at you, or builds within you. Treatment for depression is tailor made like a refined suit; personalised and individual.

If I suffer from depression that means I'm depressed, just like being born in Asia means I'm Asian. The word "depressed" sounds nothing alike the symptoms of depression. I think it's an overload rather than a reduction in pressure. So with absolute certainty I can state that which depression IS NOT, but I may never find the words, that with absolute precision, describe just what depression IS.

Ok so that's my take:)

AGrace

[vip]

Hi Bruce welcome to the forum I love Justin Beiber haha and I love your sense of humor I throw in a bit of humor in my posts too it doesn't have to be all depressing stuff all the time . Im going to enjoy reading your posts anyone who can make me laugh im a fan of. Laughter is the perfect remedy for depression and mental illness in general and so is listening to music they both go together here . Cold showers noooo hate those haha   thanks for making me smile xx