Silence isn't golden

[Mathilde]

Hi.

This is really unusual for me to open up.
It's a first on a forum but I'm trying everything I can to help myself getting better in hard times and potentially helping someone who would have the same struggles than me.

I have been struggling with my mental health since my early teenage years, more than 15 years now.
Originally from France, I have been seeking help multiple times and never received any help from either peers or professionals.
Talking about mental health is still quite a taboo there.
I don't have much of a family left due to severe family dramas and my mother's passing when I was 13.
There was only my father and I remaining.

My father has always been really rough on me and in denial mostly all my life.
When experiencing what was my first depression, he used to drag me out of bed because I couldn't get up to go to school, exhausted that I was.
I don't blame him, it was his way to "help" me, to "shake" this out of me (a lot of people act like this and been acting like this in my life).
Also had the luck at 18 to fall for a psychopath narcissist who sucked the life out of me for 3 years and almost killed me in the end.
Unfortunately, the police never really did anything against him.

After long years of battle with fear and my mental health getting worse, I decided to leave the country and settled down in Australia.
Two years ago, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II which was as much of a punch in the face than a relief.
Medication helps me manage my low moods and my sleep but I am still struggling periodically with strong and deep depressive episodes (I am going through one as I am typing).

In the last year and a half, I have been hospitalised twice.
The first time for suicide attempt (I then was placed in a psychiatric ward for a few days),
The second time because going through a severe hypomanic episode, I lost control of myself after 4 days without sleeping.

I am extremely grateful to be in Australia and receive so much support and also been informed enough for me to read efficiently through my different mood.

I am here because I needed to get it out. It is helpful to put it there.
If anyone needs to talk or needs help, helping others helps me more than anything.

Remember than speaking is already helping and silence isn't always golden.

Much love and thank you for reading me.
 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A nice positive and encouraging post- thankyou

Im bipolar 2 also along with other issues like dysthymia.

What I’ve found over many years is that medication, as good as mood stabilisers are, isn’t good enough in their own to tackle the symptoms of hypomania and depression. Imo, purely from experience, there is other self help activities and actions we need to consider for ways to reduce these extremes.

Bipolar depression- we can indeed possess all the positivity we can muster but the depressive cycle will still come along. Better to accept that cycle than fight it.

place in search bar at top of this page-

The timing of motivation

positive attitudes work best when coming out of such a cycle.

Hypomania- I’m lucky that my wife tells me when I’m hypo. It happens less now I’m older (64). Tells tales is rapid speech, clumsiness and impatience. Relaxation works well for me. Use search-

Anxiety, how I eliminated it

meditation, he helped me for 25 years

Some of us are emotional immature for our age. This immaturity does catch up to us in older age though. We are often devoid of filters with people- often trusting others too early. Search-

Fortress of survival

And as tolerance for work colleagues is low, two part time jobs can be better than one full time.

A move to the country is a good concept with less hustle and bussell.

Anyway I hope you enjoy the forum

TonyWK

[Mathilde]

Thank you for your answer 🙂

This is great to hear about your experience, this is still new for me dealing with Bipolar.
I am definitely agree with you on the acceptation of the state of Bipolar depression and not to fight it since it is clearly unstoppable.
The only thing I can manage is the effects on me, not the fact that it comes or not.

Regarding the need of coupling the use of medication with other things to help is absolutely true.
I am working out a lot, try to eat healthy, finding a routine for me was important.
Expressing myself a lot by writing, drawing and creating also.
I have decided to also seek the help of a psychologist because I do think I need to process some of my old traumas as well, soothe it all in order to not have a constant "travel back in time" effect when I'm going through Bipolar depression.

Hypomania is such an odd thing. I find it extremely helpful while I'm going through it: hyper creativity, I am attracting people for how energetic I am and feel like I'm the best I can be but this is also causing me to lose memory and drop things around, not sleeping, starting my sentence and ending up on a different topic...
Like you, I don't necessarily realise I'm going through it but my best frienddoes (he lives with me).

It's a sort of roller coaster. My brain is built that way I guess.

I would have a question for you (if I may of course).
I seem to have a major depressive episode every six months.
Is it the case for you as well? A sort of set time? Do you observe a pattern in the timing of these?

Thank you for taking the time to share.

[white knight]

I don’t have a cycle like that- more my sensitivity is like a wave and when it’s bad I’m very fragile.

I’m on mood stabilisers and I did expect more from that meditation that what it’s designed to do. It resulted in altering dosages over a long period- that was a waste of time.

So Ive also accepted my sensitivity is unground and part of me. I remind people that get in the wrong end of my sensitive reactions that sensitive people are also loving, considerate, empathetic, devoted and honest.

Although I don’t have set timing for really low meltdowns , I do have them mainly triggered by stress.

Google

beyondblue triggers the down you, triggers that lift you

Meltdowns send me to poetry (you can read mine in “poetry corner “ on this site) . Also my favourite spiritual guru

google

youtube Prem Rawat Maharaji sunset

youtube Prem Rawat Maharaji appreciate

and many more of his

So essentially I withdraw. In my 20’s (I was diagnosed in my 50’s) several times I set off to the mountains never to return to society. It never lasted long, I return to the city. It didn’t take long for me to realise country town living suited my stress levels better.

Psychologist visits or similar is good value. We also have a thread on this site called “my bipolar life” try search.

TonyWK

[Mathilde]

Thank you so much for all these precious info, white knight.

I will definitely go check all the above as I think it will help.

Funny thing is, I have an incredible feeling of peace in the mountains. Always felt like going there and hide.
Really coincidental that you have had such experience.

It has been a rough ride today, reaching unexpected lows.
Thankfully I reached for help and I'm incredibly thankful to be here and how much BB helped me going through today.

Such a great reminder for me: small things have great power.

Thank you again for sharing.
I will go check your poetry for sure 🙂

Ma.

[jax_in_my_heart]

Hi Mathilde

I am also Bipolar II, and diagnosed about four years ago. I am struggling, and feel I really have been for some time now.

I go up and down fairly regularly, but notice i go manic in march, and highly depressive in October. I have found seasonal affective disorder does have associations with bipolar mood swings. Mine to the point where I plan my annual holidays in October so I can go to a different climate for a few weeks, which has been immensely helpful in previous years in minimising depression. I live in QLD, so hoping to go to Cairns for a different climate, but of course Covid may stop that in its tracks.

I love animals, and they help, along with medication and trying to lead a healthy lifestyle, but sometimes it all goes off the rails and takes ages to get back on track.

I am 37 and incredibly lonely. I don't think I will ever find anyone - I'm not bad-looking, I participate in a lot of social activities, online dating etc, it's just hard to meet single men my age that I'm attracted to. Additionally, BP2 makes me very full-on at times, most people probably find me overwhelming. I find myself retreating more and more from large group activities with friends though, because husbands and kids are always there, and it reminds me of what I don't have. I am trying to adjust to the idea that chances are that I'll always be alone, and trying to plan accordingly.

I don't talk about how i'm feeling to friends because I can't place a burden on them that they can't help with; they can't find me a partner or end my loneliness, so it seems pointless to share my pain with them, and only causing them to hurt because they can't help me. several have mentioned they are worried about the possibility of suicide, and I can't tell them they are spot on, because they would not be able to live their lives happily if they worry about me. So the silence continues, but I genuinely feel that is what is best for everyone in my life. Ironically, i encourage other people to talk and share about their own pain and say their friends would want to know!!!!

Maybe I should try the mountains - the outback and the desert have always been good for me, but I might try the mountains next.

I hope hearing another voice who understands what you're going through helps, even just a little bit.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jax_in_my_heart,

Thanks for reaching out to Mathilde here to relate. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling so lonely. We understand that this can be overwhelming, especially if you don't feel comfortable reaching out to loved ones about these feelings. Please know that you are a valued member of our community and we are here to support you.

It's good to hear that you've recognised patterns in your mental health and wellbeing and have been able to be proactive about that. You mentioned that you were diagnosed four years ago - can we ask if you are still seeking professional help regularly? It's worth bringing up these thoughts of suicide with your health professional if you haven't already.

In addition to this, we would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You might also be interested in taking a look at some of our Beyond Blue resources:

• “Loneliness” -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/in-focus/loneliness-the-public-health-issue-we-sh...
• “Talk about it"” -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it
• "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

Please feel free to start a thread of your own if you would like to seek some support from the community about how you've been feeling.

[Lena_J]

There is such a thing as seasonal depression ... maybe you also have that?

[jax_in_my_heart]

Hi Sophie

Thank you for your comment - I don't really have a health professional as such. I go in to get my prescription when I need a refill, but I've never really thought to discuss anything with my GP. My GP is awesome, but he's always got a waiting room full of people, so I don't want to take up his time. I've given therapists a go, but they don't really seem to be able to make much progress with the BP2 side of things; to be fair, I don't really see what they could do? I just sort of view BP2 as a condition that I live with, and there isn't really anything I can do about it, except just cope with it and manage it as best as possible - I accept that some days will be good (even great), some will be bad, and some days you don't want there to be a next day, but just try to keep going because tomorrow might be the day it improves a bit.

Apologies, I was not trying to hijack Mathilde's post, just wanted to let her know there are people out there who can certainly understand what she is going to and relate to it, and she isn't alone, especially with cyclic mood swings.

[jax_in_my_heart]

Hi Lena, yes, very likely!! I certainly dread October. Hopefully I'll be able to get away a bit this October if QLD can keep Covid-19 under control. I can't imagine how difficult people in Victoria would be finding it right now, it's hard to see.