Should I end therapy?

[Bushpyg]

Hi there, I

About 4 months ago after the bushfires my GP drew up a mental health plan to help me address some of my issues relating to my feelings of powerlessness. I have been on SSRIs for about 30 years and have always had some underlying depression but have found myself to be pretty high functioning and I have always been able to keep my depression to myself and have only ever discussed it with my doctor (in a very limited way), having been to see a couple of therapists over this time but never able to discuss my issues so inflicting a lot of silence on the poor listener. I am generally seen as a very strong, independent person who just gets on with things

I decided to give therapy another try with clearly defined goals and have a therapist I feel comfortable with and have been able to open up and genuinely describe many issues and started feeling positive and motivated to work towards change. I am finding things increasingly difficult, as I think and write about many of the issues that are emerging. Things are spiraling out of control as I realise how much I do and think is driven by my low self esteem and poor sense of worth. I am finding most of the CBT exercises impossible, unable to find a positive or kind thought and feel that all the therapy is doing is making things worse and extremely unpleasant. I raised this with my therapist a few weeks ago, and she suggested taking a break for a month to let things settle down. I have found the last weeks to be almost unbearable and found suicidal thinking becoming increasingly dominant. I went to see my GP and while I didn't explain how I was thinking I found just seeing him brought some relief and I am horrified that I could seriously contemplate ending my life in this way.

My question is should I stop therapy? I went looking for a quick fix and while some of the issues I went in with are now resolved I feel like I have opened up Pandora's Box. The issues I am now identifying are so long standing and ingrained that I really can't see myself being able to change things. While my emotional and personal life has been very moderated for a long time, it has also largely felt safe. Therapy is making me feel unsafe and exposed and as the next appointment approaches I am wondering whether it would be best to walk away and find some relief. I'm better existing with limited feelings rather than having these negative extremes dominating my thoughts.

Thanks for reading this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bushpyg,

We are so sorry to hear that you've been struggling, we are so glad that you have reached out today to our friendly online community. Our community can't offer medical advice, but hopefully a few of our members will pop by to relate and share their own experiences.

It sounds like you have positive relationships with both your GP and your therapist, which is great. It might be worth talking through this thought process with one or both of them. It can take some time to find what is best for you, but they might have some ideas on paths forward.

We're sorry to hear that you were having thoughts of suicide. We understand that this would have been distressing. Please remember that there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include:

•  Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
•  Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467

 
Many of our members have also been through therapy and will be able to talk through these thoughts with you.  If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you. Welcome again!
 

[james1]

Hello Bushpyg,

It is nice to meet you here, but I am sad to hear about your struggles with therapy. I understand you'd been making progress on some issues, but recently there have been certain issues that seem to be getting worse and you are not sure if therapy is helping anymore.

In many ways, I think this is quite normal especially if the issues are very deep seeded and ingrained as you have suggested could be the case. In my own personal experience, therapy often brings a mix of relief at being understood and much more raw pain at needing to experience the things we've tried to ignore. But I think this pain is actually part of the healing process, as we learn to confront the issues we have ignored, and develop mental habits to be able to deal with them in the future.

That all being said, I know it can be really overwhelming and certainly therapy is something that can be put on hold while you try to regroup. I've been going to my psychologist for 4 years now and I can guarantee you that at least 10% of those sessions have been just me sitting in complete silence for 50 minutes, unable to discuss the issues I wanted to discuss.

So I guess what I am saying is I don't think it is wrong to want to put therapy on hold for a while if you feel that is what you need at the moment. I would certainly suggest speaking to your therapist and GP about it, as you have done so already. But I also hope this pain does not put you off therapy in general, because I think it is part of the overall healing process.

I hope that helps

James

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I probably will not be answering your question directly. Some elements of your story were similar(ish) to mine. I am nearly 50 and have been seeing a psychologist for 2 and a bit years. In that time I have found out some of my issues have been around since childhood. So well ingrained like yours. Of course how long is takes to get better is like asking how long is a piece of string. My psych told me a story of a sheep in a paddock...

A windy track is what the sheep uses to get to the other side of the paddock and out the gate. One day the sheep tried a faster route -more direct. Problem was the sheep had to create this route which was overgrown, long grass, rocky, fallen branches. It didn't work. Feeling beaten, the sheep went back to the old path. The next day tried the new route again.The same problem occurred. Again went back to the old path.This pattern repeated but over time the new path became more defined and the old path was getting overgrown and started using newer path more often. Until one day... the new path became the normal was of getting to the gate and not the old path.

changing the way we think or behave takes time. That we might slip back to the old and comfortable path is also OK. As long as we are trying to move forward... however that looks for you.

The other thing I want to quickly mention is that when I started CBT exercises and other homework, I really sucked at it. I would have to use google to find examples of what i was supposed to do. Even for a gratitude journal. Talk more about that next time?

Peace to you,

Tim

[Bushpyg]

Thanks everyone for your replies. James and Tim your comments very much resonate with me. Despite being flooded in, I am feeling in a better space which may well be the SSRI kicking back in. Given I can't go anywhere for the next couple of days, I think I will see if I can bring forward my next appointment for next week and put together a list of questions to see if I should continue therapy or withdraw. I may have to Google these!

[mocha delight]

Hi bushpyg I don’t think you should stop therapy due to your feelings but on the other hand I believe in doing what you think is right for you and have you considered seeing a new psychologist/psychiatrist?

[Tangney]

Hi Bushpyg. I understand what you are saying. Over the past 30 years, I've seen many psychs and psychologists for depression. Not one of them has ever been helpful, except to convince me that repeatedly rehashing all of the issues that lead me to this dark place only makes me feel worse and provides me with no solutions. This is not to say that it can't work for you. But for me, I have always found the CBT to be of no assistance at all. Great for those who it works for, but it's not for everyone. I, too, feel as though sometimes I need meds to get past the bad times when they come. I find that talking about previous bad experiences and triggers only makes me feel more triggered, if that makes sense. Sometimes it's best for me to bunker down and wait for the meds to kick in so I can become well enough to try to re-emerge without too much drama or naval gazing. At the moment, I can't face going outside at all, so am trying to find things that soothe without having to speak directly to anyone. I listened to a good podcast today from ABC radio's Nightlife program, which was broadcast live on Monday night of this week. I found some of what was said on that podcast to be helpful in terms of what works and what doesn't when individuals are trying to select the best kind of professional help for their circumstances. Best wishes to you.

[Bushpyg]

Thanks Mocha Delight and Tangney for taking the time to post.

I listen to lots of podcasts and audio books as I find them generally to be calming and allow my focus to shift away from myself. Thanks for the info about the Nightlife program, it was useful and I have arranged to see my therapist next week. I very much relate to how talking and thinking about my past is triggering more anxiety and depression and blocking my ability to either consider or accept the potential for change. I am writing up something to hand over that hopefully is a little more active than I am likely to present if I just speak where I can be overly passive. I'll see how it goes.

Thanks again

[mocha delight]

Hi tangney good luck and I hope all goes well during your next session 🤗