Self doubt after seeking help?

patchie · ‎20-09-2016

So I ended up reaching out to friends: telling them how I haven't been coping, feeling sick all the time and generally being destructive towards everything. It felt like I started something. But as soon as that time passed where I was honest I started regretting it? All I could think of was the troubles my friends are going through and how it's now my fault they're worried about me on top of everything else... I started bottling everything again and just telling everyone I was fine but that relief I had for a while was gone.

Regardless I kept it up and sorted myself out to see a GP last week, was sent off for blood tests and given the mental health survey to do before my next app this Friday. I feel better for knowing I'm getting everything sorted. And obviously there is something wrong as my blood test results have come back with issues. But now it's just brought up more self doubt?

I've had this constant weight on my chest since last week, and for two days after my appointment I just felt on edge about everything. On the weekend I was freaking out over a party, even tried to self sabotage and get out of it but my friends insisted and even helped me get ready and made me look amazing and for the first time in a while I had fun going out? I felt ok about things, even though little moments still unnerved me but generally I was ok...
I even had some freelance work enquiries the last couple of days that have continued that moment of being ok.

I suppose what I'm trying to get across is there times when you do feel ok? But there's like a shadow or something in the corner of your mind that is a reminder? I feel so confused about everything. I keep feeling on edge and worried that I'm just weak? That my months of feeling horrible about everything and crying or being self destructive are all just me being weak and stupid and just failing at life and adulthood... Am I lying to myself reaching out? Do I even deserve the help?

I'm even more confused right now as I feel like I'm in this balancing act of saying I'm ok but then I'm worrying about this and getting upset?

I know I need to talk about this with my GP and I know it will be a discussion this Friday but right now all I can keep thinking of is do I deserve this help and if I'm slightly ok for a little while does that mean I'm just being stupid about everything... But if I leave it or turn back now will I just make it all worse...

Kazzl · ‎21-09-2016

Hi Patchie, welcome to the forum.

You know, what you have described - especially the bit about feeling OK but having a shadow in the corner of your mind - is very familiar to me. You have expressed it beautifully.

It is very common for people with depression or anxiety to have times when they feel fine and to wonder whether there's anything actually wrong or if it's 'all in their minds' so to speak. I've experienced it too and wondered whether I truly do have a mental health problem. Then I fall in a heap or get really anxious or hypomanic and think 'yep, I do'.

I can't and won't diagnose you Patchie, but I will encourage you to read the resources on the BB website and learn as much as you can before you see your doc. That way you can have a more informed discussion. Try to be as open as you can with your doctor - take some notes in if you think you might forget, or show them your post from here.

Please, if you feel good and 'back to normal' before the appointment don't cancel it. This isn't something that can be resolved just by hoping it won't come back. The good news is that mental health problems are treatable and many people come through well with good support and self care.

I hope you'll keep posting Patchie, and let us know how you get on at the docs. If you have any questions we will try our best to answer.

As for whether you deserve help, well of course you do! And you are far from being stupid I can see that. And weak? I know you're not. It takes strength and courage to reach out, and to seek help. It's not an easy thing to do and every person on this forum has had to face that same scary challenge. And now you've done it! Another strong, brave person joins the fold. 😃

Best wishes to you Patchie

Kaz

PatT · ‎21-09-2016

Hi Patchie,

welcome to the forums and good job for reaching out for help. It's a difficult step to make those first ones but when you do it's the first of many positive steps as long as you're willing to commit. Committing to a positive mental health program really requires you to completely want change, not just a half-hearted desire to feel better. I think you've answered your own question in your post, you want to get better but you go through periods of time when your mood is stable and hope it to remain but then it changes. The fluctuations are enough to make you question whether you really qualify for psych help, but the fact you're writing on these forums says enough.

I feel like you're feeling limited by your own presumptions around the stigma surrounding mental health but as people get more involved and it becomes a wider acknowledged problem, the stigma reduces. You definitely should follow up with your doctors and really commit to seeing a psych regularly. It's pretty unlikely that shadow is going to go away by itself.

patchie · ‎30-09-2016

Hi guys,

Thanks a lot for your feedback, it definitely gave that extra bit of support to keep at it. Found out I'm suffering from severe depression and social anxiety... Go figure haha.

Sorted out a mental health plan of seeing a psych only for now (no meds). Had my first psych app yesterday and she was indeed really lovely and supportive. I tried really hard to be honest about everything (ended up writing everything down beforehand... 2 pages worth BUT it was much easier having that to work off). I'm still finding it really difficult to process all this and I understand it's not something that's going to be fixed in just one one hour session. It's still really hard though? Coming to terms with it all and obviously I'm still in that destructive mindset right now. I don't know... It's just the moment I'm alone I'm back to thinking about everything going on... Still full of doubt and guilt? Still upset? Still have that constant shadow...
But I do really want to change... I think I'm just really scared about being strong enough for it all... But I suppose like you guys said if I'm on here and I've actively started it all there must be somewhere in me that is fighting for it to get better. Well I hope so~

james1 · ‎30-09-2016

Hey patchie,

I'm glad to hear the session went well and you were very well prepared for it.

I know the feeling of finishing your appointment and then realising that all those great things your psychologist said and made you feel inside the room can just... disappear as soon as you step out. And all of a sudden you're back with your thoughts and that constant shadow you talk about.

Do you remember being back at school learning maths? The teacher would show you the formula and show you an example on the board, and it would make total sense. Then they say, "Do exercise 6.3", and you'll look at the exercise and realise you have no clue. So they'll show you again, you'll do exercise 6.3 and then get stuck on 6.4. And so it goes and repeats, then one day you realise you know how to do probability.

Same thing here. There are cogs turning inside you which you may not even realise. The only way you know is that you're here talking to us and you went to your appointment yesterday, and that is all anyone can expect because this is a very tough process and you're doing really well already.

I hope today is treating you well.

James

patchie · ‎30-09-2016

That's actually a really comforting way of putting it~ Thank you James ^^
I'll try and remember that while I'm battling with myself to keep at it.

My next app is in two weeks and in the meantime she said to read over some modules, research, and look up some meditating and breathing apps. My friends keep telling me to just focus on one day at a time and forget stressing about the future for now. Which is hard when you have a growing list of responsibilities that don't want to quit...

I really appreciate everyone being kind and supportive on here though~ I mean you guys don't even know me really but so eager to leave a message. Thank you everyone.

james1 · ‎03-10-2016

Yes, it's so difficult to focus on one thing when everything is demanding attention! But I guess it's just about being honest with ourselves because it's better to complete the one, than try and do everything but get overwhelmed!

Anyway, you did an amazing job just by going to the appointment and setting up the next one. It's good that your psych gave you some homework to do and keep you busy in the meantime.

You've always got a safe place to post here. I hope you're doing okay.

Muddlee · ‎03-10-2016

Hi Patchie,

Welcome to the forums! :))

A huge well done for seeking help and sticking to your appointments. That can be the biggest challenge for some people, including myself. Reaching out to people and getting support can only produce positive outcomes.

You deserve change and you will get better - I'm 100% sure. I've doubted myself many times through my treatment and recovery and have continually asked myself - Is it all worth it? Am I improving? Should I go back to my worrying ways and forget that I ever tried tochange my situation? Time and time again I've realised that these thoughts don't matter and that I DO deserve change. Glad to hear that you've continued with therapy. For me, that was the best decision I've ever made. I'm sure it'll do wonders for you!

And even if individual therapy doesn't work out that's totally fine because there so many other treatment options available to you. One of my friends just recently completed a group DBT program and said it did miracles for them. What worked for me was therapy, exercise, friends, meditation and reflection. Your sure to find out what works best for you.

Sincerely wishing you all the best xx

Muddlee.

geoff · ‎04-10-2016

hi Patchie, well a great response from all these wonderful caring people that have replied back to you, so I don't need to say much because they have hit the point, but what I want to say is even though anybody is struggling through depression of any type there are times when you can laugh have fun and enjoy yourself, no matter what situation you are in, and that's why this illness has so many questions as to 'why'can a person suffering change their dementor from being sad to being happy at the drop of a hat, well I can't answer that, but what I can say is that when you are happy it seems to be geniune so you should not try and hold this feeling back.
I have been in this situation many times but as soon as it changes then straight back you go to being depressed, however the family or friends you are with can't work out why this has happened as they think that because you're happy then you're not depressed any more. Geoff.