Self Blame anxiety and nowhere to go

[RosieQ]

 First off context: I come from a family with a history of mental illness - anxiety and depression. My dad died recently and I had severe anxiety attacks after this - probably as a result. So bad that my therapist said she almost wanted to hospitalise me!  I went on meds and they made a small difference. I took a month or so off work and got myself together again through exercise and mindfulness.  Am off them now and no panic attacks. But I do have  physiological symptoms of anxiety all day...no spiralling,crippling worries and negativity just the underlying physical / mental symptoms - heart palpitations numbness mild dissociation mind racing ahead. Nothing triggers it - no reason behind it.  I can't focus and I wake very often at 3am with this insane feeling...it goes on and on. I get no sleep and I  am lost in a racing mind unable even to read, listen to music plan, the day properly or relax.

My husband can't understand me and is angry at me for not showing affection and not connecting with him.  He often says he can't cope anymore because I don't smile and show him any love and is on the verge of leaving. Fair enough.  I tend to get angry but then I blame myself. ( I come from a family where there was a lot of anger between my parents - they were cruel to each other and little love was shown and displayed between them Or to us. As a result  I'm not good at affection and openly expressing my love) I hold everything back from him around how I am feeling because I fear the conflict and what it will do to me emotionally. 

I really hate myself at the moment. I blame myself for relationship problems, I feel like a failure because of my anxiety, think im stupid and worthless with no talent at all, I hate that I can't get my act together and blame myself for all the problems we have with our children - their learning and development (youngest son is bombing in school we are not sure what's wrong with him) . Of course I blame myself for this - it's all my fault as I took some medication for a health condition when I was pregnant And it probably affected his capacity for learning.  I think I'm erratic and disorganised and volatile and selfish ...and not a good person who has nothing to offer anyone. I can't think of any good qualities I have that make me proud of who I am. 

 I hate myself even more for being so selfish when there are others on this forum who are struggling terribly with distressing experiences far worse than my stupid selfish ones

[Neil_1]

Dear Rosie

Firstly, I’d like to extend a warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.

The key thing that jumps out at me with your post is that I think you need to get back to your gp to have a review and a check-up for how you’re travelling at the moment.  It sure doesn’t sound like you’re in a good place – and I believe with that with some professional help and guidance and possibly referral for a counsellor, these things put in place, may just help you a bit to get you out of the rut that you’re in. 

Before I go on, I’d also like to say that I’m really glad you’ve come here and posted and please please, don’t be comparing your issues with others who are on here – we all have our own troubles, issues, problems, concerns, etc, but they are ours.  You have yours and to you, YOURS should be the No. 1 item on your list – it’s lovely that you’ve expressed that concern about others who are on this site, but we need to focus on your problems so we can do our best to help you out.   And in absolutely no way are your troubles stupid or selfish concerns – they are genuine, real and happening – and happening to you.  And as you’ve found, as a result of this, you can see that they then impact on others who you love dearly.

I’m also sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad – I know very well the impact that this can have on a person, so I do hope you can get back to your gp to not only discuss this, but also for all the issues that you’ve related in your post.

Anxiety, depression will make a person come up with all of the low-self talk that you’ve outlined in the second half of your post.  This is not you talking – it’s the illness that is causing you to doubt yourself and as a result your self-esteem takes a massive hit.

If I can just say, that you’ve built yourself a family – a loving husband and you’ve got children, who you nurture, care for and love and do all you can to provide the best for them.  I say this and those words are easy to write, but being a wife, a mum is a HUGE thing and you are having to deal with this on the top of so many issues.  I would also like to say that you write extremely well and express yourself very clearly – to me, that dispels your theory of you being worthless, stupid and no talent straight away.  Again, that’s the illness making you say such negative things.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[ronO]

Dear Rosie

Ive been where you are and it passes.  I tried to fight it and in retrospect , it dragged it out....The 3am insane feeling passes . Trust me .   Im now 53 and have been experiencing depression since my late 30s when I was diagnosed with multiple primary cancer. It is a bit of a road , but you WILL recover and will recover with wisdom and a different kind of strength.

Reading you post helped me.  So , you are far from the way you feel..Your honesty actually struck a chord with me and things that have happened in my life. YOU HELPED this bloke a lot.

I look forward to hearing more from you

Kind regards

Ron O

[RosieQ]

Thank you so much to both of you. It's getting pretty bad and I am seeing my GP in a week - woke up last night in tears for no reason (panicking about something) and then today want to hide away from everyone - seems I am so disabled by this I want to completely retreat...which is unlike me, I am a sociable person. I feel my mind has completely hijacked me. Did some mindfulness this morning - made a difference for about 5 mins (better than nothing!) 

I was surprised at how much your responses helped me. I'm sure I will be back on the forum because of this support. Thank you so much. And Ron I hope you are OK and I am glad to know that sharing helped you in a small way as well.