Rollercoaster of Depression/Anxiety

[Indoor_jungle_builder]

Hey Everyone,

I have read many of your posts and am impressed with the level of bravery, compassion and honesty being shared. I feel like i have found the right place.

During Covid-19 life, things obviously exacerbate, but I have had a history of depression and anxiety however have not had the best luck with councelors / psychologists and have never been formally diagnosed. I am a stubborn person I guess and feel I have the emotional maturity to "handle" it all and try not to burden my loved ones with my pain and struggle... sometimes this can't be helped.

I'm wondering if most women here would agree that hormonal fluctuations can also impact/heighten certain moments of low mental health, and I feel myself in the midst of this. I avoid medications of all types when necessary, and try to turn to health, wellbeing, diet and self care the most.

This post is asking for guidance. My personal life has many ups and downs, complications, children (newly step son and daughter) and my new role as a step parent( which I love while super intimidating and stressful at times), my partner who is very supportive is going through an ugly divorce ( been stung out for years), loss of my job recently, financial pressures etc. We all have things in our lives and I get that. But when the ugly dark head rears, I feel all of the things I try to manage with these things become bigger, uglier, and harder to handle. When I speak about them to my partner they are scenarios I have made bigger in my head based on genuine fears I have. It feel like they can get out of control. I usually have a huge emotional outbursts of crying and overwhelming fear/anxiety and need to express them, then I shut down and need time for myself to recover. Otherwise it's general apathy and faking happy, with a few good times in between.

This puts pressure on my partner. I try so hard to control it. I try to spread these issues out and speak up when they bother me rather than bury them. But I almost feel out of control when it gets bad. I feel misunderstood, very alone and overly sensitive. It impacts and overwhelms my sense of self worth, thinking patterns, daily routine ( I lye in bed all day sometimes), and generally feel "off the band wagon".

Please, it would be good to hear from people who actually understand what this feels like. The daily struggle of keeping yourself on track and trying not to be too hard on yourself. Thank you for listening. x

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Ive read your post twice and yes, I understand you as I was only medicated for bipolar, depression and dysthymia at age 54 and anxiety at 32yo. So most of my life I had that roller coaster of zero medication for a long time.

So what changes have come about in my last 10 years with meds? An enormous change. To swallow my pride wasn’t easy- my first step was to engage my wife as my “behaviour judge” to let me know if I was acting/reacting in a depressive manner, if I was tired, moody, hypomania. Then get a proper diagnosis and only then the correct meds can be taken. From there on it’s a matter of fine tuning those meds to best effect but not end up in a state of non function. Once that fine line it reached you begin really enjoying life and so do your friends and family.

Im aware this all means dropping the stubbornness. We know here that we can’t make members seek such traditional avenues of treatment.

Listed below is some threads pertaining to my journey. All you need to read is the first post if each- use google

beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

beyondblue topic depression- a ship on the high seas

beyondblue topic does stubbornness have a place?

Take care, Repost anytime

TonyWK

[mocha delight]

Hi indoor jungle builder I understand some of what your going through and I have not been diagnosed with anything yet but my gp strongly believes I have depression. I also started on antidepressants the week before covid 19 was first mentioned.

[Indoor_jungle_builder]

Hey White Knight,

Thanks for your insights. It's been a rough night and i couldn't face handling it this way anymore. Need to try something different and so spoke to a GP over the phone earlier. I have meds to pick up already... which is scary. But going to take the Gp's advice (he's also a psychologist) trying not to let the fear overtake. if i succumb to meds, it's all real. and i get how that sounds, but i didnt expect to feel so scared or isolated by it.

I'm amazed to hear your wife could help you identify moments for you. I think my partner could do the same, yet when i express my pain it always becomes about how he feels.... so i don't get that acknowledgment. That soft space to fall when i need it. He is pragmatic and practical. And while i get hat is how he cope with it, and it's common, it makes everything harder. We have identified it and see the effect yet nothing changes. I hope one day that might. and the guilt.... of putting pressure on him.

and how to you get to a point where you begin to trust yourself again? trust your emotions as valid? be able to feel like you actually trust your reality. BE trusted to make sound judgments... It makes me feel so f*** stupid. Someone telling me that i'm not aware of my own emotional state.

Sorry... I'm just really lost.

[Indoor_jungle_builder]

Hey Mocha Delight,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling low. How are you finding the anti depressants?

[white knight]

HI IJB

please google

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

beyondblue topic is acceptance our biggest challenge?

TonyWK

[mocha delight]

Hi indoor jungle builder thanks and in that same week a few days beforehand I lost my grandma to so not a great week. Yeah good considering it was my first time ever being on antidepressants plus only side effects I got was a slightly dry mouth and that first night when I went to bed before falling asleep I had a feeling like I’d had to much coffee/sugar so very minor side effects. I’m happy that I found the right type of antidepressants for me on the first go (so is my gp) but I’m on the lowest dosage of the one I’m on and my gp she mentioned at some stage upping the dosage possibly. Really hope your going ok today but if you ever need to chat I’m here for you ok as during the first 6 weeks of starting antidepressants I was up & down (covid 19 so did not help) as it takes that long for them to start working & if you do start them but if not I’ll still be here for you plus I’m a good listener.