recovering from a covert narcissist parent

[killetti]

i broke down at the end of last year, my mental health, and the pressures of the end of the year overwhelmed me. i basically cired for 4 days straight. Now its the new year and i'm lucky to be working from home but i dont feel fully ready. I have no leave.... so i'd have to take unpaid leave, and i can't see my dr or psych yet, they are on leave.

i'm on struggle street. my emotions are welling up i feel insecure and vulnerable, and unable to concentrate. i can "try harder" but at the moment work is quiet, and i need to be self directed to get things done and i'd rather 'look after me' and be a puddle on the couch.

its a fine line, whats unreasonable? what's selfish? what do you just push on through?

I'm an adult dealing with the discovery that my mother was a covert narcissist, and every holidays i have to process this because im supposed to see her. i've made breakthroughs over this holiday realising she has gaslit and abused me for my whole life, i dont owe her any more. but its hard, i am much closer to believing that. but its hard. even thinking about it is hurting. and processing what this means for my (dead) father who was passive through all this), my relationship and memories of him while i'm still grieving for him (6 years gone).

there's so myuch betrayal and hurt to process. we were told we were a perfect family, and when i complained it was my fault... and i like me now, but with covid and everything else going on i'm scared, i'm tired, i'm finding it difficult to maintain equilibrium. my feelings are harder to just put in a box or breathe and rerlax away, because there's so much to "deal with" and process. and i want to get better, not repress and depress and get worse?I have friends at work and in my personal life but i'm otherwise completely alone, no family. and its a lot for my friends to support me through. and my work are asking how my mum is and its like... well.... google "covert narcissist parents"

[Guest_1643]

Hi Kiletti,

Covert or not,,,my dad is a narcissist and recovery is har.d I've lost my identity. I do understand, it takes time. How are u doing now?

[killetti]

thank you.

im struggling. i had to stop work, i ordered take out to lift my spirits, NO ONe in my building is wearing masks but me. i get sick easy. even in lifts! there’s no ventilation!

so now i feel trapped and scared as well.

i can de escalate my feelings but they’re right there under the surface, the second something happens i’m going to burst into tears… i’m taking my meds… i’m just confused and worried.. can i work? what do i do?

people asked at work about my mum so i had to explain i’m cutting ties and it took me right back there, i don’t want to have this conversation over and over again, like ever again…. it is just tooo raw. i don’t know how to make it less raw.

when i felt this way in december, i knew i had a couple of weeks to take off and feel better, but that safety net is gone. also if i admit i can’t do my job, even if i take a leave of absence it’s still going to be hard coming back.

this feeling isn’t going away. just like before christmas. i wish i could pinpoint the problem. attack it rationally, make it go away… but it feels like everything is a problem.

[Croix]

Dear Killetti~

You have a great deal on your shoulders now, a mother who has been a constant problem and not cooperating in her treatment. The same person who has gaslighted and abused you, and now looks to you for support even so. Plus a medical profession whose main attribute appears to be absence or lack of interest.

You have your own mental health issues too, and the whole thing had brought you to the end of your tether. At least before Christmas you could lok forward to a couple of weeks away from work which you though might help - now that's over of course.

Actually you do not strike me as the sort of person that wants to avoid work, quite the reverse. It is simply you have limitations - which is not in the least surprising with all you have to cope with.

May I offer a suggestion? It is what I do when down. Rather than have a couple of weeks break to look forward to I have something to look forward to each evening. It helps. Now the things I like will be completely different from yours I expect. I like particular books, particular comedians on YouTube, music and some movies that made me feel good before.

I can't just go being being anxious and upset, pick up a book and expect it to work its magic. There has to be a break, to get my mind away from all the troubles and feelings of the day - only then will I be receptive to the book, movie or whatever.

I use the free smartphone app Smiling mind.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

It is full of exerciese made for all sorts of peole to take the mind away and concentrate on something else. Not that easy, takes practice. Fortunately there is even an exercise that nags me just often enough when my mind start to wander - I'm afraid I have the attention span of a gnat when distressed:)

After that the book, movie etc. will take over

The hard part may be for you to come up with a list of things you've enjoyed or given you a lift in the past. Might take some time, but worth persevering.

What do you think?

Croix

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[Guest_1643]

Hi killetti,

That's a lot of stress and I feel the stress of work and employment over Ur head... please stay safe and remember to take care of urself

My father is narcissistic, and I didn't understand that until I'm was 33.

I'm fairly lost in how to grieve and also reindividuate. I feel like there are some things in y personality which have formed in response to my upbringing and its certainly hard.

I guess it's a journey. It's really hard and I'm sorry you are struggling recovering from your narcissistic mother.