Really wanting a boyfriend

[Alannah57]

I’ve been in love a few times, but all the men I’ve dated have used me and not valued me. I’m always the one wanting a lasting relationship and being broken up with. My last ex was with me because he missed his ex who he has a baby with, and he left me for her once he started getting over his drug addiction.

How do I handle caring about and loving people who end up hurting me?

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Alannah57,

Sorry to hear that you feel that way about yourself. You've done really well in seeking out for a stable and lasting relationship, and even though lots of men have hurt you in the past, you persist in searching for the one person who shares the same goal as you; a lasting relationship.

I feel, throughout our lives, people come and go. It can be a friend, or a colleague, or a person with potential to be the one to form a lasting relationship. They all come and go for a reason/purpose, and we can use those to learn from the experience to grow ourselves, and further identify how we value ourselves. As we grow and understand more about ourselves, we'll be able to better prepare ourselves for the next relationship that life presents to us.

Although only having being in one relationship myself; I feel if a relationship is too good to be true (everything is just too perfect), then there's something wrong with the relationship, and it is possible that it won't be a long lasting one as well. That is because, relationships should have both happy and joyful times, as well as hardships and tough times. A relationship without the bads leaves both people no room to grow from if all they're getting is the goods. They work together to resolve the bads, so that they can learn and grow together for the entirety of their relationship, while enjoying the good times together too.

With the experience you've had, you'll be able to learn from it and identify red flags in a partner, and voice out concerns to see if they are capable in working through the problem with you. If they can't work through the problem with you, or is dismissing your concerns, your values will help support you in making tough decisions, because you know how much you value yourself, and that you deserve better.

I hope that helps Alannah, happy to chat with you more, or listen to anything that you'd like to share as well.

Jt

[Miz]

Hey Alannah57,

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going this. When you are in a relationship with someone and they don't value you it can be really hurtful and feel like a bit of a slap in the face. I know when I've been treated poorly by ex-partners my confidence really took a hit. I think it's important to remember that your partner's actions are not a reflection on you or your value. In this situation, it seems like your ex made some decisions that were out of your control. Often there's more going on behind the scenes when a person makes you feel bad. For example, he might have been struggling with something and took it out on your relationship. At the end of the day, we can't help who we fall in love with and you should never feel guilty for having feelings for someone. If anything, the fact that you care about people so much shows that you are a really kind caring person who wants to support the people around you. You don't need to see this as a negative thing - when you find someone who respects you this caring will create a really strong relationship!

I also think JT makes a really good point about learning from experience - you seem to have dealt with a lot and that means you have more experience and can use that in future relationships.

Happy to chat more if you feel like talking, remember that you deserve to be valued and looked after - even if your ex didn't make you feel like that.

A x

[Guest9337]

Hi Alannah57, my wife has a best friend named similarly.

There are some ways we can minimize risk of hurting in relationships. The most important one, I believe is understanding our own needs/wants/desires and being able to change those fairly over time.

So I suggest you find our what ideals/beliefs/facts/positions/ stuff that really matters to you, and whittle it all down to the super important stuff, and present it to potential attractive partners.

So aim to be utterly honest because if you find someone who can meet those important needs/wants/desires then together you'll negotiate a way forward.

Life happens = You will get hurt, and you will hurt others, but always aim to minimise those outcomes and their consequences, seek restoration and balance.

And, have really good armour and carry a big stick with lots of real friends!

love dng.

[geoff]

Hello Alannah, love is what we all desire in one way or another, but when someone hooks up with you just to have their way, doesn't mean they love you or in any way like you, except to have their way on the first date, normally these people get their way and then move on, leaving the person upset as well as devastated with the feeling of not being loved or attracted to.

I'm really sorry you have been caught out as it seems all he was doing is using you, plus he had an addiction which would confuse his demeanour and it's not easy to know whether someone wants to love you or alternatively use you because of their attitude appears to be the same.

Someone who wants to go out with you will appreciate how you feel and take what love provides in a slow way and understand that what is to follow can wait until the time is right and this may be a few days after or a week or so without any pressure and that's what you will realise that constant annoyance, especially on your first outing, try and resist, the time will come when you both agree, rather than just one person trying to force themselves on to you.

Hope this helps you.

Geoff.

[Alannah57]

Hi, thanks so much for all your compassion and support xx It hurts so much when you’ve loved someone and it doesn’t work out, especially when they’ve used you, and these stages are just painful stages that you have to go through to process it all.

[Alannah57]

It still hurts but it’ll get easier with time.

I find it strangely poignant and sad that people can hurt us and we can hurt them without any selfish intent, it just happens. It’s a truth that’s hard to sit with, but love, respect and empathy is all that matters - any heartbreak is just nothingness and next time I’ll know to just try to not be so hurt by it

[Alannah57]

I feel like my ex is too selfish of a person to be sad about anyway, he really doesn’t think of others really.